So, on Thursday my doctor told me I have a blighted ovem.
My heart is broken. I feel as if my world has ripped in two... again.
I found out I was pregnant on Nov 3. I wasn't expecting to get a positive. The month before I had stressed myself out so badly about not getting pregnant again that I made my period a week and a half late. I thought I was pregnant because I had never been late before, but I kept getting negative tests. Doctor said stress was the culprit, so I vowed to be stress free the next moth. I was late again and I thought it was stress again... and there is was, a faint pink line! I thought I was seeing things (it was after all 6 in the morning), but a line's a line, right? I took a digital test the next morning, just to make sure. "Pregnant" I couldn't believe it. It felt like it had been so long since I had got my first positive 5 months earlier.
I scheduled my appointment right away for Nov 29, I would be 8 1/2 weeks. Every new week felt like a major achievement. When I made it to my appointment and hadn't MCed, I was ecstatic. The doctor did an ultrasound, and was able to find the embryo, but it only measured 6 weeks. I was disappointed, but still relieved it was there. We saw what the doctor said was the heart beat, another good sign, but he told us to come back in two weeks when I would be 8 weeks again to make sure everything was on track.
I was really disappointed to have to repeat two whole weeks. It felt like forever waiting for the next appointment. I tried to stay positive, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Trying to stay positive.
Thursday was my new 8 week appointment. The doctor did the ultrasound right away and my worst fears were confirmed. We saw a sac, but the baby was gone.
Heartbroken, I just couldn't think of anything else. The doctor kept talking, but I couldn't really hear anything he was saying. Blighted ovem, what does that even mean? He said at least this was better than seeing the baby still in there without a heartbeat. Yeah, better...
And you know what the worst part of all this is? I haven't even actually MCed yet. It's still in there. At least with my first one it was over with in two days. This one, I read, can take anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks for it to even start. Torture. I feel like this is a cruel joke.
Why is this even happening to me?? I'm 25! I'm young and healthy. I'm a good person. I've never broken the law. I have a nice house, a great husband, and I would be a wonderful mom. But God doesn't want to give me a baby. He gives babies to crack whores, and drug addicts, and stupid teenagers, and other people who don't even want them. But not me.
After the first MC I felt sad and jaded, like something was taken from me. This one, right now, all I feel is anger. I'm so incredibly mad.
"Always look at what you have left, never what you have lost"
I'm really trying to keep this in mind. I have a wonderful husband, a nice house, a great dog, and two cuddly cats. That's what I have left.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
