I Think of You

I think of you Little One. I think of you every day. You are in my heart always. You are not forgotten. Three years now since we said goodbye and I still miss you. I still remember how hard it was to let you go and say goodbye. I still have a special place in my heart where I tuck you away and keep you. You are with me everywhere and always. I miss you Little One. Today and every day, I miss you.

Until we meet again,
I love you,

Mommy

A Song for my Angels

Today is one year since my first EDD. I'm so incredibly grateful for the LO growing inside of me, but I will anyways love and miss my angels. This is for you, sweet little ones. Mommy loves you.


Never Let Go 
Hanson

Just lay down, and let your worry sleep
Don't think now, of waters dark and deep

Cuz you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go

Just cry out, yeah I've cried those tears before
Well I can feel it now, as your tear drops hit the floor

'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go
Yes I love you and never let go

You don't have to ask me do I love you
As I hold you it says how much I do
I'm yours until forever is though
Every time I stand before you
I know I'd lay my life down for you
I'll never let, I'd never let go

Just lay down, put your worry thoughts to bed
As slumber pulls you down, let my shoulder rest your head

'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
Yeah you know that I love you forever
Love you and never go
Yes I love you and never let go

Never let go...
I'll never let go...


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

A Letter to My December Baby

My Sweet, Sweet Baby,

Today is our due date and I can't believe it's here already. I still miss you so much. Today I should be meeting you. Today I should be falling in love more and more with you. Today you should have come into my life and and I in to yours. Even though I can't hold you today, I am comforted by the fact that our heavenly Father is holding you now and forever.

When your daddy and I found out about you, I was nervous but excited. I thought, "This will be our baby. This is it!" I was so looking forward to meeting you, and loving you, and sharing everything in life with you. My mind filled with images of what a beautiful little girl I know you would have been. I imagined your sweet smile and beautiful curly hair bouncing as you left for you first day of school. I imagined you gliding down our stairs, dressed up like a princess to go off to your prom. I imagined you as a glowing bride walking down the aisle on your wedding day. I had so many dreams for you.

I was devastated when your Daddy and I found out that you were gone. My world crumbled around me. Every dream that I had for the future vanished with you. Even after the doctor said you had left, you held on to Mommy so tight, and I did everything I could to save you. I didn't want to let you go, even though I knew I had to. "All I could do was love you hard, and let you go."

I think of you and your brother everyday. I miss you terribly, especially today. I am grateful, though, for the time we did have. I am so blessed to have been your Mommy. You will always be in my heart. I miss you.

I love you.
Mommy

Carry You There

"I'll be waiting to carry you there..."

Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."

"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."

He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.

Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.

By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.

"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."

After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...

"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."

I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.

"I'll be waiting to carry you there"

I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.

"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

My Follow-up Appointment

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.

I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.

I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.

"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"

So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over

"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

The Last 99 Days

Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.

The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.

"I don't want to be here any more"

I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!

"I just want to feel ok again"

So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.

I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.

"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"

While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...

"Black bird fly"

"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

April, Please be Kind

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.

"There will be an answer, let it be"

I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.

"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"

I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?

"I just want feel ok again"

So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.

"Black bird fly..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Three Months

It's been three months since we found out we lost the baby. I can't believe it's been that long. Some days it still feels so fresh and other days it seems like it happened years ago. Three months, three days, three years... It all feels the same.

It's been three months and I am still no closer to trying again then I was that day. My levels are still not at 0 and I still have not gotten AF. I am on cd 69, how ridiculous! How much longer am I going to have to wait? I'm hoping only another month. From the look of things, I can count out 2011 for a birth year. To have my EDD on December 31, 2011, I would have to O on April 9, which means I would have to get AF on March 21. I don't see that happening.

This isn't how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to have already had a baby in 2010. Then I was going to have my second in 2012. That was the plan.

Oh... it still feels fresh.

DH and I have finally set our "babymoon" plans in stone. I was worried about the money for a while, but he talked me into it in the end. We both need a brake from life. We've pretty much been broke since we got married, which was 3 1/2 years ago. For the first time since then we finally have some money in bank, but I'm scared to spend it. I'm afraid something else is going to come up, we'll get behind on the bills again, and we'll have collectors breathing down our necks, again.

We are planning to go to Virginia Beach for our birthdays in May. DH is very optimistic about our trip, and I know he's being up beat for me. I've been so down the past three months. He says that this will be our new start to TTC. He's confident that we'll be able to try by then. I used to be confident that we'd be able to try by now... I hope he's right. I could really use a new start.

We're planning on driving down and spending three days and nights at a beach front hotel. Our room will have an ocean view. On the fourth day we are going to Busch Gardens and we'll spend the night in random city, VA. Day five will be driving home. I am looking froward to it.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Rattleing Ice and Blood Work

Sometimes I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel like I'm rattling ice in the wind. My brain feels scattered. I can't seem to organized my thoughts lately.

"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."

"I go back to December all the time."

I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we  invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.

I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.

"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"

"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"

Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.

"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"

"And she says, please watch over me"

So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.

I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

March Already

I can't believe it's march already. I also can't believe I still do not have my cycle back yet. When this all first started I thought for sure we would be able to try again by now. Things really do not go the way you plan them.

This past weekend I learned that DH's cousin is facing some fertility issues. My heart just breaks for her. Having trouble having a baby has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone. I've been thinking about writing her a little note to let her know we're here for them. We have told exactly four people about the MC's, so they are among the many people who don't know anything about it. Even though we're not in the same exact situation, maybe my sharing will help her. I hope so.

I think I need to stop drinking coffee. I think it magnifies my anxiety. I feel like I need to keep taking deep breaths, like I've forgotten to breath, all morning until it wears off. Sometimes I just feel nervous for no reason. My heart starts to pound and I can feel the panic building up. It goes up my arms and into my chest. Sometime I just want to scratch my hand off!

Que music from Snow White and the 7 dwarfs "Some Day My Prince Will Come"

Some day AF will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to the bathroom we'll go
I'll be cramping forever I know!

Some day when spring is here (march 21)
My cycle will start anew
And DH will sing
For we'll resume TTCing
Some day when my dreams come true!

Haha! Sorry, it was a pretty boring day at work!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Deep Breaths

Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.

"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."

I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.

I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.

Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.

"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Weather, Good Mood

For the first time in literally months I feel like I'm in a good mood. The weather is beautiful out, it's Friday, we're going to Ikea tomorrow, we got our tax refund, we got the beetle back, we have money for home repairs, my temps have been low for 4 days in a row... Things are going ok. I hope I get a good number today from my blood work I had on Monday. FX

It's the weather that's really made the difference. It got up to 60 yesterday! Heaven! I know it won't last, it's supposed to be back in the 20's next week, but the brake is just what I needed. It was nice to go out side and not cringe from the coldness. Even though I consider spring to be by far the ugliest season, nothing beats a breath full of fresh, warm spring air.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

A Little Discouraged

I'm starting to get discouraged. My temps are high and all over the place, which means my levels are still not 0, which means my period is still no where in sight, which means still no TTC for me. I'm getting really pissed. This should not be taking this long. I feel like it's never going to end! The snow will be gone before I get my period again! Ugh!

Standing still....

"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."

I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.

Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.

"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."

"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.

I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.

"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can think about. Other days it's easier not to think about so much.

Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...

Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.

Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.

For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.

I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.

Lots of Love,

KJsbabe

Miscarage #2

So, on Thursday my doctor told me I have a blighted ovem.

My heart is broken. I feel as if my world has ripped in two... again.

I found out I was pregnant on Nov 3. I wasn't expecting to get a positive. The month before I had stressed myself out so badly about not getting pregnant again that I made my period a week and a half late. I thought I was pregnant because I had never been late before, but I kept getting negative tests. Doctor said stress was the culprit, so I vowed to be stress free the next moth. I was late again and I thought it was stress again... and there is was, a faint pink line! I thought I was seeing things (it was after all 6 in the morning), but a line's a line, right? I took a digital test the next morning, just to make sure. "Pregnant" I couldn't believe it. It felt like it had been so long since I had got my first positive 5 months earlier.

I scheduled my appointment right away for Nov 29, I would be 8 1/2 weeks. Every new week felt like a major achievement. When I made it to my appointment and hadn't MCed, I was ecstatic. The doctor did an ultrasound, and was able to find the embryo, but it only measured 6 weeks. I was disappointed, but still relieved it was there. We saw what the doctor said was the heart beat, another good sign, but he told us to come back in two weeks when I would be 8 weeks again to make sure everything was on track.
I was really disappointed to have to repeat two whole weeks. It felt like forever waiting for the next appointment. I tried to stay positive, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Trying to stay positive.

Thursday was my new 8 week appointment. The doctor did the ultrasound right away and my worst fears were confirmed. We saw a sac, but the baby was gone.
 Heartbroken, I just couldn't think of anything else. The doctor kept talking, but I couldn't really hear anything he was saying. Blighted ovem, what does that even mean? He said at least this was better than seeing the baby still in there without a heartbeat. Yeah, better...

And you know what the worst part of all this is? I haven't even actually MCed yet. It's still in there. At least with my first one it was over with in two days. This one, I read, can take anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks for it to even start. Torture. I feel like this is a cruel joke.

Why is this even happening to me?? I'm 25! I'm young and healthy. I'm a good person. I've never broken the law. I have a nice house, a great husband, and I would be a wonderful mom. But God doesn't want to give me a baby. He gives babies to crack whores, and drug addicts, and stupid teenagers, and other people who don't even want them. But not me.

After the first MC I felt sad and jaded, like something was taken from me. This one, right now, all I feel is anger. I'm so incredibly mad.

"Always look at what you have left, never what you have lost"

I'm really trying to keep this in mind. I have a wonderful husband, a nice house, a great dog, and two cuddly cats. That's what I have left.

Lots of Love,

KJsbabe