The Man I Can't Forgive

Sometimes I run though it all in my head again. My whole journey. I start out with the basics and then in this conversation I have in my head I go into greater and greater detail. My emotions start to swell up and I live through everything all over again in fast forward. I always seem to get stuck on my 4 month limbo-falling-beta time and how awful of a doctor I had then. I get angry and feel hateful towards him all over again. I remember conversations we had and all the things I should have said to him but didn't. And then I get to the part after my D&C and I'm trying to ask about IF testing, and he flat out says to me, "I'm not going to recommend testing or give you a RE referral until you've had a third MC." And then it hits me all over again... Had I stayed with him, my third baby... My sweet Lexi Grace, wouldn't be here. I would have lost her just like my first two babies. He would have let her die.

And then I cry.

That doctor no longer practices in the area, so there's no chance of randomly running into him and telling him what I think of him (not that I would have the words in the moment anyways). I imagine it, though. I would point to Lexi and say to him, "Look at her. Look at this perfect, sweet, kind little girl. She is the baby you refused to help. She is the baby you would have let die. Take a good look at her." And then in that moment, looking at my beautiful daughter, he would realize how awful of a doctor he's been, mend his ways, and treat his loss patients with a new found compassion. It sounds nice, and very vindicating, but I know it will never happen.

I'm usually a pretty forgiving person. I can look past a lot and forget many mistakes, unkind words, and hurtful things. Even my HS boyfriend who ripped my heart out and then rubbed my face in it, I managed to forgive him in time. But this... There are just somethings that are unforgivable. I don't blame him for my loss, but I do blame him for the terrible decisions he made regarding it. He was my doctor and I trusted him to guide me in the right direction. How wrong, how wrong.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Happy Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving last year I was 8w pg with Lexi and in the midst of morning sickness. I remember that week being particularly bad and praying for just a few hours of not wanting to puke to get through dinner with the family. White cheddar popcorn and mashed potatoes were all that sounded even remotely good. I was also very nervous for our next u/s the following Monday. All I could think about was the previous Thanksgiving when I was also 8w pg with what would turn out to be our second loss. Even after one MC I was still so trusting that things would turn out ok and the next year (last year) we would have a LO to bring to Thanksgiving dinner. How wrong that turned out to be. I was so scared that that year would turn out like the last and that this year would be just the same. Another year past and no baby in sight. I am so thankful things turned out differently!

This year KJ and I got to take our 4 and a half month old daughter to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandma's. I've been going to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandma's house for longer than I can remember. I love sharing all of our family traditions with Lexi. I'm really looking forward to Christmas! My two Aunts were at dinner this year and they were fawning all over her. It gave me the warm and fuzzies!

I'm so incredibly thankful for my sweet little girl and loving husband!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today my world came crashing down around me. It was our second pg and I should have been 10w6d. KJ and I went in for an u/s and found our LO was gone. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was so angry and upset that this had happened to us again. What did we do to deserve this? At that point I didn't know if I would ever heal from the pain I felt. I remember sitting on the couch that night doing shots of vodka so I would just stop feeling...

Today, though, surprisingly has been a good day. I woke up this morning and decided to give the doppler another go. I had got it in the mail on Monday and wasn't able to hear LO's HB that night and got pretty discouraged. The PgAL ladies told me to put it away for a couple days and try again later. So, that's what I did. With in five minuets of trying this morning I had found it! "Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish" Best sound ever!! It was a very different sound than my own HB (I had gotten pretty good at finding that!) which was a slow "squish, squish... squish, squish... squish, squish".

Hearing LO's HB has made all the difference. I was prepared to have a really down day. Just knowing, though, that today of all days, my baby has a HB, it's the most wonderful and comforting thing I could ask for. I'm tearing up as I wright this! Geez these pg hormones! This LO might have a shot after all...

I will always love and miss my lost LO's, but today, I'm ok. Finally!

Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Saw Her Today

I saw my friend today who I have been successfully avoiding since Christmas. We were due the same day, but as I'm sure you can guess, unlike mine, her pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby girl. KJ and I were out yard saleing, a weekend hobby of ours, and there was a sale at the house across from hers. She was there, of course, and immediately started gushing about how wonderful the end of her pregnancy was, her labor, and having a new born was. Well, just in case you were wondering, it was amazing, apparently. She also couldn't help but tell me, in full detail, what a beautiful moment it was when she held her daughter for the first time. Oh wait, you really didn't want to know that? Funny, neither did I!

AaaaaHhhhh!!!!!!!

I had been doing so well! Why the eff did this day have to happen??

Then, this evening, KJ and I went to a cook out at his cousin's house. We had gone to their Christmas party this past December, also, and at the time I was blissfully 9w PG. There was another couple at that party with a 6m old. All I could think the whole time was that at Christmas time the next year, that would be us with a 6m old baby. Well, the same couple was at the cookout tonight and she is now 3m PG. She wasn't flaunting it or anything, thank god, but she did mention that she couldn't have any of the alcoholic Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I made. I felt overwhelming jealous of her situation, 2u2 on the way. If I could have kept my first baby, I would have a 6m old by now and maybe even been PG again. That should have been me...

I hate feeling this way...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Ridiculous Mind Fetus and Other Confessions

I've been having some crazy mind fetus this month, and I haven't even O'd yet! I've felt queasy every morning around 11:00am this cycle. So, of course, if I feel sick in the morning, it must be morning sickness, and I must be on my way to being KTFU! Right?! I wish!

Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!

I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??

"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."

On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."

Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.

"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Bitches need to be staying away from my Blog...

Preface: the comments mentioned in this rant were made on another site that I had my blog posted on. I have since moved!

****Warning: vent approaching!!****

Ok, so I realize this is a public blog on a public site... I get that. However, if I don't know you, have never talked to you, have no clue who you are... Why the hell are you commenting on my blog posts??? Your comments are NOT helpful!! They make me angry!!

So, for some crazy reason I had three comments on my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I have never talked to these women, have no clue who they are, and have no idea how all of a sudden the three of them found my blog at the same time. I can only imagine I was on one of those silly "connect with this Bumpie" lists.

I deleted the comments because I couldn't stand to look at them. I am trying my hardest to keep in mind that these women meant well, they just were severely miss guided. They all basically said "Just relax, it will happen for you! Ps I just found out I'm KTFU with my first (squeak!)" I would just like to say, eff all of you... Had these silly women read any of my other posts, perhaps they would have realized that... It already did happen for me. I already got PG, not once, but twice! But, MY BABIES DIED. So, don't give me this puppies and rainbows sh!t about "just relax" and "everything happens in it's own time". I sincerely hope you ladies never feel the pain of having your unborn baby's life ripped from you. We'll see how relaxed you are if, God forbid, that ever happens...

So, let me clarify my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I am not upset that my co-worker's wife is PG. I am not upset at how easy it was for them to get PG. It dose upset me, though, that he is announcing it at 6w. 6w is nothing! I made it to 6w, and past it; my baby still died.

Let me also put a PSA out there. Saying things like "Just relax, it will happen for you" or "It just takes time" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "It's all in God's plan" are NOT helpful. They are hurtful. Please never say these things to me, any women who is struggling to get PG, or to a woman who has had a loss. In fact, let's just stay on the safe side, and never say these things to anyone... ever.

So, if you made it through all of that and merely think that I'm bitter and jaded (two things I fully admit to being), I do welcome your comments. If you have something that is helpful, not hurtful, to say, please say it. If you have advice that is , again, helpful, not hurtful, then please share it. But if all you want to do is spread your naive FH-ishness around, please keep your puppies and rainbows to yourself. There is no room for those things in the land of the "have lost".

Vent over. I'm going to Let it Be...


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Somebody Just Shoot Me In The Face...

Yet another co-worker announced to the world today that his wife is 6w PG with their honeymoon baby. Then, of course Loudmouth McKnowitall, who sits beside me, talks for a half hour straight about dippers, formula, doc apps, insurance, and everything else remotely related. I effing hate people!!!

I was doing really well lately, too. Staying calm, staying happy and mostly up-beat, staying hopeful. Then, I heard that and I wanted to scream. Now I'm sad. Now I feel like it will never happen; the unattainable dream...


"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."


"Take these sunken eyes and learn to see... Black bird fly"

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

I need to start making a conscious effort to be happier. Yesterday DH and I got into a pretty big fight. We went to church in the morning. It was the first time we've gone since Christmas eve. I haven't wanted to go and DH hasn't pushed to go, so we just haven't. There's a church softball team that he played on last year, though, and he wanted to play again this year. You have to be a "regular attender" to be eligible so we went mainly for that.

There was going to be a baby detection at the service and, honestly I thought I would be fine. I've seen them lots of times before, and there usually nothing to them. I defiantly wasn't expecting for them to show a slide show of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen with Phil Collins "You'll be in My Heart" playing under it. I tried to not look at the pictures. I put my head down and tried to focus on my program. I tried to go into my own little world and block the song out, but I couldn't. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They streamed down my face. I told DH I couldn't stay, and I got up and left. He followed me out and we went home. I told him I was sorry for leaving like that and he got mad. He said he was embarrassed running out like that and that he doesn't want me to fall apart every time I see a baby.

We don't fight very often, and I really hate it when we do. We made up that night, so everything is ok now, but he really wants me to talk to someone about my sad feelings, and I really don't. DH is a very open person. He's very chatty and very much an open book. I am not. I like to keep things to myself and I don't like a lot of other people knowing my business. To him, talking about it is the thing to do, but to me it's the last thing I want to do. I mean, I have talked about my losses to him and the the bump ladies and I've blogged about it, but to him that apparently doesn't count. It's like he thinks, if I spill my guts to someone I'll all of a sudden get over everything and be happy-go-lucky Holly again. I feel like he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think I'll ever be "over it". The truth is I don't want to be over it.

"I'm not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end."

Anyways so, I thought if I start making a conscious effort to act happier DH would drop the whole "you need to talk to someone or else" thing. I know he's just trying to help, but as I said, we are two different people.


"Here comes sun, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. The smiles returning the the faces, It seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

My Follow-up Appointment

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.

I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.

I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.

"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"

So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over

"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

The Last 99 Days

Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.

The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.

"I don't want to be here any more"

I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!

"I just want to feel ok again"

So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.

I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.

"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"

While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...

"Black bird fly"

"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

April, Please be Kind

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.

"There will be an answer, let it be"

I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.

"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"

I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?

"I just want feel ok again"

So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.

"Black bird fly..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Have a Plan

I finally got up the courage to ask my doc about my short LP. I talked to the NP and told her how I had been charting and that my LP was 9-10 days and that I O'd on cd20. She really didn't seem concerned at first and said that length of the different phases really didn't matter. I was a little shocked at that because that's the opposite of everything I've ever read or heard. Normally I would have left it at that, but I said to myself, I have to be my own advocate, I can't just walk away, I need an answer, don't be a push over, Holly. So, I told her how I had had two MCs and asked if it might have had anything to do with causing them. She said that its possible and explained about progesterone (which I already knew, of course). Then she gave me the plan: as soon as I get a BFP I need to call in and have them run a blood test and a progesterone check.

I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Three Months

It's been three months since we found out we lost the baby. I can't believe it's been that long. Some days it still feels so fresh and other days it seems like it happened years ago. Three months, three days, three years... It all feels the same.

It's been three months and I am still no closer to trying again then I was that day. My levels are still not at 0 and I still have not gotten AF. I am on cd 69, how ridiculous! How much longer am I going to have to wait? I'm hoping only another month. From the look of things, I can count out 2011 for a birth year. To have my EDD on December 31, 2011, I would have to O on April 9, which means I would have to get AF on March 21. I don't see that happening.

This isn't how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to have already had a baby in 2010. Then I was going to have my second in 2012. That was the plan.

Oh... it still feels fresh.

DH and I have finally set our "babymoon" plans in stone. I was worried about the money for a while, but he talked me into it in the end. We both need a brake from life. We've pretty much been broke since we got married, which was 3 1/2 years ago. For the first time since then we finally have some money in bank, but I'm scared to spend it. I'm afraid something else is going to come up, we'll get behind on the bills again, and we'll have collectors breathing down our necks, again.

We are planning to go to Virginia Beach for our birthdays in May. DH is very optimistic about our trip, and I know he's being up beat for me. I've been so down the past three months. He says that this will be our new start to TTC. He's confident that we'll be able to try by then. I used to be confident that we'd be able to try by now... I hope he's right. I could really use a new start.

We're planning on driving down and spending three days and nights at a beach front hotel. Our room will have an ocean view. On the fourth day we are going to Busch Gardens and we'll spend the night in random city, VA. Day five will be driving home. I am looking froward to it.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Looking Back...

Preface: I have written a lot about my second loss and It's been very helpful to me to get all of my thoughts out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to wright a bit about my first loss in May, also.


DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.

On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.

The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.

May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.

I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.

I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.

I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.

"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"

I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Rattleing Ice and Blood Work

Sometimes I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel like I'm rattling ice in the wind. My brain feels scattered. I can't seem to organized my thoughts lately.

"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."

"I go back to December all the time."

I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we  invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.

I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.

"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"

"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"

Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.

"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"

"And she says, please watch over me"

So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.

I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

March Already

I can't believe it's march already. I also can't believe I still do not have my cycle back yet. When this all first started I thought for sure we would be able to try again by now. Things really do not go the way you plan them.

This past weekend I learned that DH's cousin is facing some fertility issues. My heart just breaks for her. Having trouble having a baby has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone. I've been thinking about writing her a little note to let her know we're here for them. We have told exactly four people about the MC's, so they are among the many people who don't know anything about it. Even though we're not in the same exact situation, maybe my sharing will help her. I hope so.

I think I need to stop drinking coffee. I think it magnifies my anxiety. I feel like I need to keep taking deep breaths, like I've forgotten to breath, all morning until it wears off. Sometimes I just feel nervous for no reason. My heart starts to pound and I can feel the panic building up. It goes up my arms and into my chest. Sometime I just want to scratch my hand off!

Que music from Snow White and the 7 dwarfs "Some Day My Prince Will Come"

Some day AF will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to the bathroom we'll go
I'll be cramping forever I know!

Some day when spring is here (march 21)
My cycle will start anew
And DH will sing
For we'll resume TTCing
Some day when my dreams come true!

Haha! Sorry, it was a pretty boring day at work!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Deep Breaths

Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.

"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."

I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.

I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.

Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.

"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Weather, Good Mood

For the first time in literally months I feel like I'm in a good mood. The weather is beautiful out, it's Friday, we're going to Ikea tomorrow, we got our tax refund, we got the beetle back, we have money for home repairs, my temps have been low for 4 days in a row... Things are going ok. I hope I get a good number today from my blood work I had on Monday. FX

It's the weather that's really made the difference. It got up to 60 yesterday! Heaven! I know it won't last, it's supposed to be back in the 20's next week, but the brake is just what I needed. It was nice to go out side and not cringe from the coldness. Even though I consider spring to be by far the ugliest season, nothing beats a breath full of fresh, warm spring air.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

A Little Discouraged

I'm starting to get discouraged. My temps are high and all over the place, which means my levels are still not 0, which means my period is still no where in sight, which means still no TTC for me. I'm getting really pissed. This should not be taking this long. I feel like it's never going to end! The snow will be gone before I get my period again! Ugh!

Standing still....

"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."

I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.

Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.

"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."

"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.

I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.

"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can think about. Other days it's easier not to think about so much.

Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...

Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.

Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.

For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.

I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.

Lots of Love,

KJsbabe