I need to start making a conscious effort to be happier. Yesterday DH and I got into a pretty big fight. We went to church in the morning. It was the first time we've gone since Christmas eve. I haven't wanted to go and DH hasn't pushed to go, so we just haven't. There's a church softball team that he played on last year, though, and he wanted to play again this year. You have to be a "regular attender" to be eligible so we went mainly for that.
There was going to be a baby detection at the service and, honestly I thought I would be fine. I've seen them lots of times before, and there usually nothing to them. I defiantly wasn't expecting for them to show a slide show of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen with Phil Collins "You'll be in My Heart" playing under it. I tried to not look at the pictures. I put my head down and tried to focus on my program. I tried to go into my own little world and block the song out, but I couldn't. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They streamed down my face. I told DH I couldn't stay, and I got up and left. He followed me out and we went home. I told him I was sorry for leaving like that and he got mad. He said he was embarrassed running out like that and that he doesn't want me to fall apart every time I see a baby.
We don't fight very often, and I really hate it when we do. We made up that night, so everything is ok now, but he really wants me to talk to someone about my sad feelings, and I really don't. DH is a very open person. He's very chatty and very much an open book. I am not. I like to keep things to myself and I don't like a lot of other people knowing my business. To him, talking about it is the thing to do, but to me it's the last thing I want to do. I mean, I have talked about my losses to him and the the bump ladies and I've blogged about it, but to him that apparently doesn't count. It's like he thinks, if I spill my guts to someone I'll all of a sudden get over everything and be happy-go-lucky Holly again. I feel like he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think I'll ever be "over it". The truth is I don't want to be over it.
"I'm not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end."
Anyways so, I thought if I start making a conscious effort to act happier DH would drop the whole "you need to talk to someone or else" thing. I know he's just trying to help, but as I said, we are two different people.
"Here comes sun, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. The smiles returning the the faces, It seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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