I've been having some crazy mind fetus this month, and I haven't even O'd yet! I've felt queasy every morning around 11:00am this cycle. So, of course, if I feel sick in the morning, it must be morning sickness, and I must be on my way to being KTFU! Right?! I wish!
Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!
I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??
"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."
On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."
Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.
"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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