Struggling

I recently read a blog post I saw on Pintrest entitled "Being a Working Mom When You Really Want to Stay Home". At first I thought, "Great! This describes me to a tee. I'll get some inspiration from this post that will help me keep going as a wannabe SAHM. Wrong. This post only made me feel worse. A lot worse.

"Even though we knew it would be short-term when I went back to work, it still wasn’t easy. I will never get those first few months of my little girl’s life back."

Gee, thanks for rubbing it in! I've been trying not to think of my work situation that way, but thanks for making it black and white for me. Every second that I'm hating my life at work, I will never get those moments with my daughter back.

"When I was a working mom, God enriched my life with co-worker friendships."

Well, how nice for you that you had awesome and supportive co-workers! My co-irkers suck. Plan and simple. I have never met a more miserable group of women. They're all divorced, so I get to hear them, on a daily basis, bitch and moan about their ex's, their kids, going to court, and how they never have any money because the lawyers take it all. The atmosphere at my office is toxic. They are mean and bitter and about as far from "enriching" as you can get.

"When I was a working mom, God provided an amazing babysitter–who became a dear friend."

Now this is the only thing I can agree with. We have been very lucky that my MIL is able to watch Lexi while we're at work. It's nice to know that someone we trust is giving her one on one attention and genuine love everyday. However, sometimes it's a struggle to get MIL to do certain things. Sometimes Lexi doesn't get all of her bottles during the day because she's sleeping and MIL doesn't want to wake her up. Or she'll heat up a bottle and then not give her the whole thing. That's probably the most agitating thing, because once you start a bottle you have to finish it. You can't save it for later. You can't heat and chill, heat and chill. You'll get bacteria and it'll make baby sick. It kills me when this happens and I have to dump half a bottle because it's been sitting out. I'm working around the clock to get enough BM to give her during the day. It's not like I can just mix up more formula... MIL doesn't seem to get it!!

"When I was a working mom, God allowed my husband to have some daddy-daughter bonding time."

Again, how nice for you!! My husband gets less time with Lexi because, I'll admit it, I'm a baby hog. I miss her so much during the day, all I want to do when I get home is hold her and spend time with her. If KJ doesn't say, "Hey. I'll hold her" or something, I forget to offer her to him and end up holding her the whole evening.

"When I was a working mom and exclusively breastfeeding, God sharpened my will and determination."

Yeah... Determination is not what I feel when I have to stay up until 12am every night pumping because I wasn't able to pump enough at work for the next day. Determination is not what I feel when I only get 2 messily ounces and pray I can get at least 2 more in the morning. A sharp will is not what I feel like I have when I'm taking enough fenungreek to smell like maple syrup, chugging more water then I did while pg, and stuffing my face with lactation cookies in hopes of actually keeping up for once. Annoyance, frustration, exhaustion, failure. That's what I feel.

"If you have a plan in place to come home, remind yourself that this season of being a working mom won’t last forever.
I reminded myself of that fact daily–and before I even knew it, I was a stay-at-home mom."

The original plan was to quit my job in January... That's not happening any more. We need money to fix up our house in order to move to be closer to KJ's job. I don't know when I'll be able to quit now. It might not be until we move, and who knows when that will actually be. In all reality that might be a year from now. Thinking about another year at my job makes me want to cry.

So, thanks so much, Thehumbledhomemaker. I feel so inspired...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe


http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2012/11/being-a-working-mom-when-you-really-want-to-stay-at-home.html