PgAL Brain is Starting to Set in

I don't feel pregnant. My only symptom to speak of is being really tired all the time. Other than that 95% of the time I feel completely normal. I've had very little cramping or ute discomfort, which makes me think that my ute is not growing. My breasts are not tender. I am bloated a bit, but it also might be the pound and a half of chocolate chips I've eaten the past week. I know symptoms =/= healthy baby but.... I had very little symptoms with my first two pregnancies and they didn't end well. I had a ton of symptoms from early on with Lexi's pregnancy.

The first week I was just blissfully pregnant! Just happy to have that BFP! I've been so excited to think about the future, about what the summer and fall will bring, moving Lexi to a big girl bed, get new LO's room ready, pinning a ton of ideas on Pintrest. I kept telling myself, no matter how long or short of time I have with this LO, I want to enjoy this pregnancy. My betas came back well. 26 at 12dpo and 454 at 19dpo, 40 hour doubling time. Not as good as Lexi's, but still well with in the normal range. All of my FRER were getting progressively darker. So far so good.

But now a week later, the doubt has started to set in. I don't feel pregnant. My first u/s is a week from today, and while I'm hoping for good news, I'm mentally preparing for bad. I want to meet this baby in January and I've been making so many plans in my head. I have a feeling they are all going to be crushed. I'm not this lucky. 

I past my first loss milestone of 5w4d, which feels good. But with my second, had I not had an u/s I would have made it all the way to 14w before I started to MC. My body just didn't recognize the loss. A friend of mine IRL just went through her first MC. They were TTC for 17 months before she got her BFP, then a week later it was over. Two days later I got my BFP... She is the kindest, sweetest, most Godly, just best all around person I know. I know it doesn't work like that, but how on Earth would I deserve a baby over her? I feel guilty. I haven't even told her I'm pregnant yet because it happen so soon after her loss. We had been keeping up on each other TTC wise. If I am lucky enough to keep this baby, I don't know how I'm going to tell her. My EDD is a week after hers. With my second loss a friend of mine got pregnant at the same time, same EDDs even. It was so hard to watch her go though her pregnancy and get to experience all the things I should have been experiencing. I had to stop talking to her for a while because it was too painful. I never want to be the cause of that pain for someone else.

But for better or worse, I am on this journey. Only God knows what the outcome will be. I've been praying every night for our new LO. Praying that they grow healthy and strong, and that we get to meet them in January.

Lots of Love, 

KJsbabe