"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"
Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.
I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.
I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.
"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"
So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over
"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Last 99 Days
Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.
The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.
"I don't want to be here any more"
I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!
"I just want to feel ok again"
So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.
I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.
"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"
While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...
"Black bird fly"
"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.
"I don't want to be here any more"
I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!
"I just want to feel ok again"
So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.
I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.
"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"
While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...
"Black bird fly"
"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, April 4, 2011
April, Please be Kind
"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"
I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.
"There will be an answer, let it be"
I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.
"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"
I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?
"I just want feel ok again"
So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.
"Black bird fly..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.
"There will be an answer, let it be"
I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.
"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"
I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?
"I just want feel ok again"
So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.
"Black bird fly..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I Have a Plan
I finally got up the courage to ask my doc about my short LP. I talked to the NP and told her how I had been charting and that my LP was 9-10 days and that I O'd on cd20. She really didn't seem concerned at first and said that length of the different phases really didn't matter. I was a little shocked at that because that's the opposite of everything I've ever read or heard. Normally I would have left it at that, but I said to myself, I have to be my own advocate, I can't just walk away, I need an answer, don't be a push over, Holly. So, I told her how I had had two MCs and asked if it might have had anything to do with causing them. She said that its possible and explained about progesterone (which I already knew, of course). Then she gave me the plan: as soon as I get a BFP I need to call in and have them run a blood test and a progesterone check.
I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Three Months
It's been three months since we found out we lost the baby. I can't believe it's been that long. Some days it still feels so fresh and other days it seems like it happened years ago. Three months, three days, three years... It all feels the same.
It's been three months and I am still no closer to trying again then I was that day. My levels are still not at 0 and I still have not gotten AF. I am on cd 69, how ridiculous! How much longer am I going to have to wait? I'm hoping only another month. From the look of things, I can count out 2011 for a birth year. To have my EDD on December 31, 2011, I would have to O on April 9, which means I would have to get AF on March 21. I don't see that happening.
This isn't how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to have already had a baby in 2010. Then I was going to have my second in 2012. That was the plan.
Oh... it still feels fresh.
DH and I have finally set our "babymoon" plans in stone. I was worried about the money for a while, but he talked me into it in the end. We both need a brake from life. We've pretty much been broke since we got married, which was 3 1/2 years ago. For the first time since then we finally have some money in bank, but I'm scared to spend it. I'm afraid something else is going to come up, we'll get behind on the bills again, and we'll have collectors breathing down our necks, again.
We are planning to go to Virginia Beach for our birthdays in May. DH is very optimistic about our trip, and I know he's being up beat for me. I've been so down the past three months. He says that this will be our new start to TTC. He's confident that we'll be able to try by then. I used to be confident that we'd be able to try by now... I hope he's right. I could really use a new start.
We're planning on driving down and spending three days and nights at a beach front hotel. Our room will have an ocean view. On the fourth day we are going to Busch Gardens and we'll spend the night in random city, VA. Day five will be driving home. I am looking froward to it.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
It's been three months and I am still no closer to trying again then I was that day. My levels are still not at 0 and I still have not gotten AF. I am on cd 69, how ridiculous! How much longer am I going to have to wait? I'm hoping only another month. From the look of things, I can count out 2011 for a birth year. To have my EDD on December 31, 2011, I would have to O on April 9, which means I would have to get AF on March 21. I don't see that happening.
This isn't how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to have already had a baby in 2010. Then I was going to have my second in 2012. That was the plan.
Oh... it still feels fresh.
DH and I have finally set our "babymoon" plans in stone. I was worried about the money for a while, but he talked me into it in the end. We both need a brake from life. We've pretty much been broke since we got married, which was 3 1/2 years ago. For the first time since then we finally have some money in bank, but I'm scared to spend it. I'm afraid something else is going to come up, we'll get behind on the bills again, and we'll have collectors breathing down our necks, again.
We are planning to go to Virginia Beach for our birthdays in May. DH is very optimistic about our trip, and I know he's being up beat for me. I've been so down the past three months. He says that this will be our new start to TTC. He's confident that we'll be able to try by then. I used to be confident that we'd be able to try by now... I hope he's right. I could really use a new start.
We're planning on driving down and spending three days and nights at a beach front hotel. Our room will have an ocean view. On the fourth day we are going to Busch Gardens and we'll spend the night in random city, VA. Day five will be driving home. I am looking froward to it.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Looking Back...
Preface: I have written a lot about my second loss and It's been very helpful to me to get all of my thoughts out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to wright a bit about my first loss in May, also.
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, March 7, 2011
Rattleing Ice and Blood Work
Sometimes I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel like I'm rattling ice in the wind. My brain feels scattered. I can't seem to organized my thoughts lately.
"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."
"I go back to December all the time."
I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.
I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.
"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"
"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"
Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.
"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"
"And she says, please watch over me"
So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.
I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."
"I go back to December all the time."
I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.
I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.
"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"
"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"
Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.
"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"
"And she says, please watch over me"
So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.
I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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