I guess I haven't written in a while (or that's what it seems like, anyways). Probably because I haven't been feeling down lately! I've been feeling really good and really hopeful. So much has happened, but it's been mostly really great. I guess I'll start with the most resent and work my way back.
"Today is never too late to be bran new"
The weather was beautiful this weekend! After what seemed like months of nothing but rain, we finally had some sun. KJ and I were able to get a lot done in the yard. There's still more to do, but at least we've made progress. I really hope it's nice next weekend, too, (memorial day) so we can get some of the big things done. We have a "cabaña" (a patio with a roof over it) that has outdoor carpet on it currently and it's gotten really gross. We want to pull that up, power wash the concrete under it, and re-paint it a tan-ish color. We also have to power wash the deck and re-stain it, same with the pool deck. So much to do...
Sunday we went to church and had a much better experience than last time. In the bulletin there was a flyer for the next town over's Memorial Day events. They are having a fun run 5k. When KJ saw it he got really excited and was like, "You should totally do this!!" It's only a week away and he wants me to run a 5k! Yikes! I've been running on and off for months, but not steadily and not long distance. I told him I would give it my best shot, though. I went to the park where I could map out 3.2 miles. I tried, but I could make it the whole way running. I felt like such a fail. I'm going to try again tonight and hopefully I'll make it further. We'll see...
Friday, May 20 was Tucker's 2nd birthday. I can't believe he's two already! He is such a good dog and I love him to death.
My work has a program where it will cover a cretin percentage of medical bills on top of what insurance covers. I got two big checks on Monday and Friday of last week. They were for all of the B/W, the U/S, the chest x-ray, and a few of the tests I had done last month. It's such a relief to have the money now to pay these bills. They were really starting to pile up there for a while. God has really taken care of us!
Monday started out really good. I got my first AF since September!! I was so excited! FINALLY time to TTC! Then, I had my F/U appointment, and we all know how well that went. As I said before, we will not be waiting yet another cycle. I'm not going to let that douchebag get me down any more. I need to be hopeful. I need to be able to try again. We're planning on starting FWP on Thursday. Can't wait!
"It's simple, but some how letting go is the hardest part."
Last Sunday, May 15 we picked up our new furbaby, Colby-Jack. He's such a cutie! We've had him for a little over a week now, and I'm completely in love. He's not quite there with the potty training, but he starting to pick somethings up. He can sit and is starting to recognize his name. He's so different than Tucker was at that age. Tucker was a huge chewer and chased the cats a lot, but he caught on to the potty training really quickly and was super focused. Colby has really only been chewing on the toys and hasn't had much interest in the cats, but he's had a number of accidents and gets distracted pretty easily.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, May 23, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Carry You There
"I'll be waiting to carry you there..."
Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."
"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."
He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.
Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.
By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.
"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."
After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...
"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."
I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.
"I'll be waiting to carry you there"
I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.
"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."
"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."
He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.
Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.
By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.
"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."
After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...
"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."
I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.
"I'll be waiting to carry you there"
I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.
"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Positive Things Happen to Positive People
I need to start making a conscious effort to be happier. Yesterday DH and I got into a pretty big fight. We went to church in the morning. It was the first time we've gone since Christmas eve. I haven't wanted to go and DH hasn't pushed to go, so we just haven't. There's a church softball team that he played on last year, though, and he wanted to play again this year. You have to be a "regular attender" to be eligible so we went mainly for that.
There was going to be a baby detection at the service and, honestly I thought I would be fine. I've seen them lots of times before, and there usually nothing to them. I defiantly wasn't expecting for them to show a slide show of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen with Phil Collins "You'll be in My Heart" playing under it. I tried to not look at the pictures. I put my head down and tried to focus on my program. I tried to go into my own little world and block the song out, but I couldn't. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They streamed down my face. I told DH I couldn't stay, and I got up and left. He followed me out and we went home. I told him I was sorry for leaving like that and he got mad. He said he was embarrassed running out like that and that he doesn't want me to fall apart every time I see a baby.
We don't fight very often, and I really hate it when we do. We made up that night, so everything is ok now, but he really wants me to talk to someone about my sad feelings, and I really don't. DH is a very open person. He's very chatty and very much an open book. I am not. I like to keep things to myself and I don't like a lot of other people knowing my business. To him, talking about it is the thing to do, but to me it's the last thing I want to do. I mean, I have talked about my losses to him and the the bump ladies and I've blogged about it, but to him that apparently doesn't count. It's like he thinks, if I spill my guts to someone I'll all of a sudden get over everything and be happy-go-lucky Holly again. I feel like he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think I'll ever be "over it". The truth is I don't want to be over it.
"I'm not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end."
Anyways so, I thought if I start making a conscious effort to act happier DH would drop the whole "you need to talk to someone or else" thing. I know he's just trying to help, but as I said, we are two different people.
"Here comes sun, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. The smiles returning the the faces, It seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
There was going to be a baby detection at the service and, honestly I thought I would be fine. I've seen them lots of times before, and there usually nothing to them. I defiantly wasn't expecting for them to show a slide show of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen with Phil Collins "You'll be in My Heart" playing under it. I tried to not look at the pictures. I put my head down and tried to focus on my program. I tried to go into my own little world and block the song out, but I couldn't. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They streamed down my face. I told DH I couldn't stay, and I got up and left. He followed me out and we went home. I told him I was sorry for leaving like that and he got mad. He said he was embarrassed running out like that and that he doesn't want me to fall apart every time I see a baby.
We don't fight very often, and I really hate it when we do. We made up that night, so everything is ok now, but he really wants me to talk to someone about my sad feelings, and I really don't. DH is a very open person. He's very chatty and very much an open book. I am not. I like to keep things to myself and I don't like a lot of other people knowing my business. To him, talking about it is the thing to do, but to me it's the last thing I want to do. I mean, I have talked about my losses to him and the the bump ladies and I've blogged about it, but to him that apparently doesn't count. It's like he thinks, if I spill my guts to someone I'll all of a sudden get over everything and be happy-go-lucky Holly again. I feel like he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think I'll ever be "over it". The truth is I don't want to be over it.
"I'm not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end."
Anyways so, I thought if I start making a conscious effort to act happier DH would drop the whole "you need to talk to someone or else" thing. I know he's just trying to help, but as I said, we are two different people.
"Here comes sun, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. The smiles returning the the faces, It seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
My Follow-up Appointment
"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"
Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.
I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.
I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.
"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"
So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over
"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.
I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.
I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.
"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"
So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over
"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Last 99 Days
Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.
The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.
"I don't want to be here any more"
I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!
"I just want to feel ok again"
So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.
I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.
"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"
While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...
"Black bird fly"
"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.
"I don't want to be here any more"
I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!
"I just want to feel ok again"
So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.
I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.
"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"
While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...
"Black bird fly"
"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, April 4, 2011
April, Please be Kind
"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"
I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.
"There will be an answer, let it be"
I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.
"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"
I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?
"I just want feel ok again"
So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.
"Black bird fly..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.
"There will be an answer, let it be"
I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.
"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"
I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?
"I just want feel ok again"
So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.
"Black bird fly..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I Have a Plan
I finally got up the courage to ask my doc about my short LP. I talked to the NP and told her how I had been charting and that my LP was 9-10 days and that I O'd on cd20. She really didn't seem concerned at first and said that length of the different phases really didn't matter. I was a little shocked at that because that's the opposite of everything I've ever read or heard. Normally I would have left it at that, but I said to myself, I have to be my own advocate, I can't just walk away, I need an answer, don't be a push over, Holly. So, I told her how I had had two MCs and asked if it might have had anything to do with causing them. She said that its possible and explained about progesterone (which I already knew, of course). Then she gave me the plan: as soon as I get a BFP I need to call in and have them run a blood test and a progesterone check.
I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!
“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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