My Dearest Baby,
Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.
You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.
I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.
Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.
You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,
Mommy
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Good Days and Bad Days
I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can think about. Other days it's easier not to think about so much.
Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...
Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.
Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.
For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.
I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...
Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.
Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.
For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.
I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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