On Wednesday this week (10/19) KJ and I went to my follow up app with my new OB. He had some questions about the SA that I wasn't answering very well, so it was good he went with me and got some answers. We got some good news and some, I guess, interesting news. The interesting news is that my doctor has dx me with the "thin person's" version of PCOS. All of my additional b/w came back normal (testosterone, TSH, insulin, glucose, ect), but the two main things pointing to it are my unbalanced FSH & LH and a cyst on my right ovary. I guess this isn't the worst thing in the world. My doctor said it's very treatable, especially in my "thin person" state. Since everything else was clean, I don't have to be on any meds or anything. I feel like this is really just a "label" for my fertility issues. He said next time I get pg I'll be monitored very closely and be put on progesterone right away. I was very glad to hear that!
On to the good news: we got the exact numbers back from KJ's SA (before the nurse just told me they were "good"). His count was 90mil with 70% motility! My doctor thinks that the reason we haven't gotten pg again yet has something to do with the mysterious white blood cells they found in his sample. He said it's probably a minor infection and the urologist will give him some antibiotics to help clear it up. He was very confident that after that's taken care of, I'll be pg in no time.
With only two MC's my doctor doesn't consider me to have reoccurring pg loss, but offered to do an RPL panel anyways. I did that b/w on today (all 10 viles!). I also have a SIS on November 1 to check for polyps and fibroids. I figured we might as well continue with the testing while we're waiting for DH's urologist app next month. In the mean time, he wants us to continue trying on our own and if I'm not pg by January he'll start me on a couple cycles of clomid. He didn't want to start me on it now if DH's sperm aren't in top shape. I had thought that we might start on the clomid right away, but I get why he wants to wait. It made me feel really good that's he's so sure I'll be pg in the next next few months. I hope he's right!
Yesterday my IF nurse called to tell me that the recheck for chickenpox that I did on Monday, came back positive again. *le sigh* She set me up with a referral app with an infectious diseases doctor. It's possible that this is just a false positive, meaning there's no active infection, but she wants me to get this checked out now rather than later. If I were to get pg with a live infection, it can be all kinds of bad and cause some serious birth defects. My mom swears that I had them as a baby, so I have no idea why this is coming up. My app with the ID doctor is on November 10.
We got the bill for KJ's SA in the mail today. It's the first bill we've gotten from the testing so far. It was only $16.05!! Phew! A lot of insurances don't cover IF related things and I'm so glad our's does.
I have to say, I am so, so grateful I finally found a good doctor with an amazing staff. I feel like when I bring up a concern or a question they actually listen and take it seriously. They don't brush me off as just another silly patient with a dumb question. All of the testing they've offered has been exactly what I was looking and hoping for. I feel like we're finally on the right track!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Where to Start?
Where to start? So much has been going on! Busy busy. You had better grab your popcorn now, because this is going to be a long one!
On Sept 20 I had an appointment with an infertility nurse at my new OB's for a consultation. She was really nice. I explained to her everything about trying, MC #1, the whole MC #2 debacle, and my short LP's. She was really wonderful about everything. She knew exactly what I was talking about and jumped right in to talking about testing and Clomid. She said that because we've been trying for a year and a half and have had two MC's, I qualify for testing with them. When she said I should start charting my BBT, I got really excited and said, "I love charting!". She was very open to looking at my charts (my old OB pretty much rolled his eyes at my charts) and even complimented how neat and organized FF was. The plan we came up with was on my next cycle to do CD3 blood work, a HSG on CD7, and a SA for KJ. The app really could not have gone better.
Mine and KJ's 4th wedding anniversary was on Sept 22. I was really sick all that week, so we had a low key celebration of take out, a movie, and FWP. I, of coarse, was O'ing while I was sick, but I wasn't about to give up on a perfectly good month just because I wasn't feeling well. We ended up going out to a nice dinner that weekend to celebrate properly.
I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to test until Monday, Oct 3, because I was planning on running two races that weekend. If I did happen to get a BFP, I didn't want to be thinking, "OMG, I'm PG, I'm so scarred to run!" I wanted to be able to run well and not have any emotional distraction. Well. I didn't even make it to my test date. AF came Friday (Sept 30) night and gave me another 7 day LP. Joy. Another reason I didn't want AF to come on that day was because last year my last AF before my BFP started on Sept 30. Now I'm lined up to O and possibly get a BFP exactly when I did last year. This is the one and only month I hope I don't get pg. It would be really hard go through the same time line again. I think I would be twice as worried as any other month. *Le sigh*
Saturday, Oct 1 KJ and I drove over to Clarion for the start of ALF week 5k. It was rainy and cold and all around gross outside. I ran anyway, but I didn't have a great time. I got 24:00 and came in 59th. I just wasn't pushing myself and was kind of disappointed because of it. Also, that day we went back to that yard sale from a few weeks ago and bought the rest of the ALF glasses that sweet old lady had. I have them all set up in my cabinet now and they look great. The search is back on for more!
On Sunday Oct 2, KJ and I went to the next town over and we both ran in the Clark Vol FD 5k. It was still cold and rainy (high of 49 degrees!), so there was hardly anyone there (42 runners!), but we ran anyways. It was KJ's first race and I was very proud of him. I also redeemed myself from the day before. KJ came in 22nd over all with 25:47 and I can in 12th over all and 1st female with 22:19, and new personal best. I was pretty proud of my time and that I won! I've never come in first before. I won a fruit basket and everything!
Monday, Oct 3 I did my CD3 blood work (even though it was cd4).
Wednesday, Oct 5 I took a half day of work and drove with my sister to Cleveland. We saw Hanson at the House of Blues!! I had such an awesome time. They are such great live performers. You know, sometimes you go see acts live and they don't sound anything like what they're supposed to. Hanson is nothing like that. They sound exactly like they do on their CDs and they're so energetic and fun to watch! The concert was by far the best I've ever been to! Life changing!
On Thursday, Oct 6 I had my HSG. It went pretty well. When they put the catheter in and blew up the balloon, I had a pretty bad cramp, but other than that it was fine. Everything looked good. My ute had a good shape and my tubes were clear, so that was good news. Also, I got my b/w back that day. Everything looked good except for my FSH and LH levels. They were out of balance which can be an indication of PCOS. I was pretty surprised by that. I've read over the symptoms a few times before and it's never sounded like something I had. My IF nurse sent me for more b/w and I also had an u/s done that day to check for cysts. It showed I have a small cyst on my right ovary. I'm not sure what that means. I thought I've read before that a cyst now and then is normal. I honestly haven't had time to look anything up about it.
Friday, October 7 I went in for my extra b/w and KJ had his SA drop off. He was kind of nervous about it, but got through it. After that, we headed over to Clarion for ALF. Every year on the Friday of ALF there's a huge craft fair down main street. it stretches for 12 blocks all the way from campus to the stadium. On years where the weather is nice (like this year) there's been up to a quarter of a million people all over this little college town. I officially started my Christmas shopping! I found some nice gifts for my sister and MIL. I got a cute little sign to hang in my kitchen, also.
KJ and I had a really good time catching up with all of our old college friends at ALF. A lot of KJ's friends are starting to have kids now. Last year at this time I was so sure I would have a baby to show off this weekend, or at least a nice bump. It was hard seeing everyone ooo and aww over all of these adorable babies. I tried to stay positive, though. It helped to know we're at least moving forward with the testing. Maybe someday I'll have a LO to take to ALF.
"Someday. Say it's coming soon"
Yesterday, my IF nurse called with KJ's SA results. She said he has good motility, a good amount of normal sperm, and good morphology. She did say, though, that they found white blood cells in his sample. She said it probably means that he was sick or is getting sick, and that's probably nothing. They do want him to see an urologist, though, just in case to check things out. KJ wasn't too happy about seeing a specialist, but is going to go for me. I really hope the nurse is right and it's nothing.
Today I got a new iPhone! I'm excited! This is a really big step for me. I've had the same LG flip phone since before we were married. It's still in pretty good shape, so I really didn't feel the need to upgrade. I have an iTouch, and between the two, it did pretty much everything I needed. Lately, though, I've been seeing the need more and more to get a smart phone. I wanted the GPS, camera, Internet anywhere, touch and phone all in one pretty package. I really like it so far. I'm just trying to transfer everything over now. What a pain!
Phew! That was long! If you made it all the way through, that deserves some cheese cake!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
On Sept 20 I had an appointment with an infertility nurse at my new OB's for a consultation. She was really nice. I explained to her everything about trying, MC #1, the whole MC #2 debacle, and my short LP's. She was really wonderful about everything. She knew exactly what I was talking about and jumped right in to talking about testing and Clomid. She said that because we've been trying for a year and a half and have had two MC's, I qualify for testing with them. When she said I should start charting my BBT, I got really excited and said, "I love charting!". She was very open to looking at my charts (my old OB pretty much rolled his eyes at my charts) and even complimented how neat and organized FF was. The plan we came up with was on my next cycle to do CD3 blood work, a HSG on CD7, and a SA for KJ. The app really could not have gone better.
Mine and KJ's 4th wedding anniversary was on Sept 22. I was really sick all that week, so we had a low key celebration of take out, a movie, and FWP. I, of coarse, was O'ing while I was sick, but I wasn't about to give up on a perfectly good month just because I wasn't feeling well. We ended up going out to a nice dinner that weekend to celebrate properly.
I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to test until Monday, Oct 3, because I was planning on running two races that weekend. If I did happen to get a BFP, I didn't want to be thinking, "OMG, I'm PG, I'm so scarred to run!" I wanted to be able to run well and not have any emotional distraction. Well. I didn't even make it to my test date. AF came Friday (Sept 30) night and gave me another 7 day LP. Joy. Another reason I didn't want AF to come on that day was because last year my last AF before my BFP started on Sept 30. Now I'm lined up to O and possibly get a BFP exactly when I did last year. This is the one and only month I hope I don't get pg. It would be really hard go through the same time line again. I think I would be twice as worried as any other month. *Le sigh*
Saturday, Oct 1 KJ and I drove over to Clarion for the start of ALF week 5k. It was rainy and cold and all around gross outside. I ran anyway, but I didn't have a great time. I got 24:00 and came in 59th. I just wasn't pushing myself and was kind of disappointed because of it. Also, that day we went back to that yard sale from a few weeks ago and bought the rest of the ALF glasses that sweet old lady had. I have them all set up in my cabinet now and they look great. The search is back on for more!
On Sunday Oct 2, KJ and I went to the next town over and we both ran in the Clark Vol FD 5k. It was still cold and rainy (high of 49 degrees!), so there was hardly anyone there (42 runners!), but we ran anyways. It was KJ's first race and I was very proud of him. I also redeemed myself from the day before. KJ came in 22nd over all with 25:47 and I can in 12th over all and 1st female with 22:19, and new personal best. I was pretty proud of my time and that I won! I've never come in first before. I won a fruit basket and everything!
Monday, Oct 3 I did my CD3 blood work (even though it was cd4).
Wednesday, Oct 5 I took a half day of work and drove with my sister to Cleveland. We saw Hanson at the House of Blues!! I had such an awesome time. They are such great live performers. You know, sometimes you go see acts live and they don't sound anything like what they're supposed to. Hanson is nothing like that. They sound exactly like they do on their CDs and they're so energetic and fun to watch! The concert was by far the best I've ever been to! Life changing!
On Thursday, Oct 6 I had my HSG. It went pretty well. When they put the catheter in and blew up the balloon, I had a pretty bad cramp, but other than that it was fine. Everything looked good. My ute had a good shape and my tubes were clear, so that was good news. Also, I got my b/w back that day. Everything looked good except for my FSH and LH levels. They were out of balance which can be an indication of PCOS. I was pretty surprised by that. I've read over the symptoms a few times before and it's never sounded like something I had. My IF nurse sent me for more b/w and I also had an u/s done that day to check for cysts. It showed I have a small cyst on my right ovary. I'm not sure what that means. I thought I've read before that a cyst now and then is normal. I honestly haven't had time to look anything up about it.
Friday, October 7 I went in for my extra b/w and KJ had his SA drop off. He was kind of nervous about it, but got through it. After that, we headed over to Clarion for ALF. Every year on the Friday of ALF there's a huge craft fair down main street. it stretches for 12 blocks all the way from campus to the stadium. On years where the weather is nice (like this year) there's been up to a quarter of a million people all over this little college town. I officially started my Christmas shopping! I found some nice gifts for my sister and MIL. I got a cute little sign to hang in my kitchen, also.
KJ and I had a really good time catching up with all of our old college friends at ALF. A lot of KJ's friends are starting to have kids now. Last year at this time I was so sure I would have a baby to show off this weekend, or at least a nice bump. It was hard seeing everyone ooo and aww over all of these adorable babies. I tried to stay positive, though. It helped to know we're at least moving forward with the testing. Maybe someday I'll have a LO to take to ALF.
"Someday. Say it's coming soon"
Yesterday, my IF nurse called with KJ's SA results. She said he has good motility, a good amount of normal sperm, and good morphology. She did say, though, that they found white blood cells in his sample. She said it probably means that he was sick or is getting sick, and that's probably nothing. They do want him to see an urologist, though, just in case to check things out. KJ wasn't too happy about seeing a specialist, but is going to go for me. I really hope the nurse is right and it's nothing.
Today I got a new iPhone! I'm excited! This is a really big step for me. I've had the same LG flip phone since before we were married. It's still in pretty good shape, so I really didn't feel the need to upgrade. I have an iTouch, and between the two, it did pretty much everything I needed. Lately, though, I've been seeing the need more and more to get a smart phone. I wanted the GPS, camera, Internet anywhere, touch and phone all in one pretty package. I really like it so far. I'm just trying to transfer everything over now. What a pain!
Phew! That was long! If you made it all the way through, that deserves some cheese cake!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Saturday, September 24, 2011
In a Little While, Surely You'll be Mine
I really need to stop lurking on PgAL. If I can't handle it after all this time, I don't know why I keep doing it. I recognize so many ladies there who have moved on from TTCAL. I'm so happy that they have all been blessed with another LO, but at the same time I feel very left behind. I usually venture over when I'm having a good day, normally in the 2ww (like today). I click on a post from a SN I recognize and read about their good news. I start looking at every one's tickers and see how far along they are now. I think back to when I congratulated them on their BFP's and it doesn't seem like it's been 16, or 20, or 32 weeks now, but it has. It's been that long, and longer. The first lady who I remember from the MC/PL board getting a BFP is about ready to pop. She has spent all of this time PG, and I have spent all of this time not even close.
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."
I trust God to give me a healthy baby when He is ready. There's really nothing else to do. Every life is a gift from Him. It might sound silly, but since my second loss I have prayed that He will not let me become pg again until I am able to have a healthy baby. Maybe it's the wrong thing to pray for, but that's what it is. Even with trust, though, it's hard not to feel left behind.
I think it's time for some wine...
Now that's my kind of glass!
"Slow down my beating heart. Slowly, slowly love."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."
I trust God to give me a healthy baby when He is ready. There's really nothing else to do. Every life is a gift from Him. It might sound silly, but since my second loss I have prayed that He will not let me become pg again until I am able to have a healthy baby. Maybe it's the wrong thing to pray for, but that's what it is. Even with trust, though, it's hard not to feel left behind.
I think it's time for some wine...
Now that's my kind of glass!
"Slow down my beating heart. Slowly, slowly love."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
6 Day LP and Other Downers
Every month I feel more and more like I'm being left behind. Every few weeks there's a BFP wave on TTCAL, and as usual I get stuck in the undertow. I'm happy for each and every lady who gets to graduate, I just wish I could move on with them. The ladies who came onto the board about the same time I did (back in Feb) have dwindled to only about a handful. I'm a few months shy of becoming an official TTCAL oldie, something I never wanted to be. If I don't get PG this cycle, next month will be one year since my BFP cycle. I never thought it would take this long to get PG again.
AF came way early for me this weekend giving me a 6 day LP. That was my shortest yet. As I said before, I decided to call and get an appointment with a new doctor (my old doc was awful). First, I called a doc that my GP recommended and her office couldn't get me in until Oct 27. The girl I talked to kind of gave me attitude and didn't seem like she had a clue as to what I was talking about when I briefly explained about my LP's. I wasn't happy, but I made the app anyways, so at least I had something. My SIL is a PA and when she was doing her rotations, she did her OB/GYN one with another area doctor. She spoke pretty highly of him and my boss actually recommended him, too. So, I called his office, also. It was like night and day compared to the first doc's. The office lady I talked to was really nice and very helpful. She was thorough in getting all of my information and offered to help me transfer over my records from my old doc. She was able to get me in on September 20. I'm going to be seeing an infertility nurse (that sounds scary!) for a consultation and then we'll go from there. I feel good about this and I hope it's a step in the right direction.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up. We're 19 months into trying. This is our 12th cycle of actively TTC (5th since the last MC). It was never supposed to have taken this long. I'm starting to think, what's even the point anymore? Even if I do get PG, it's not like I'll be able to keep it. Maybe the app in a few weeks will renew my want to try, but right now, I'm pretty, "meh" about the whole situation.
The one good thing about this weekend was Labor Day. It was a three day weekend, and on Monday I ran my first 5k since my Sr year of XC (9 years ago this fall!). I was nervous leading up to it, but it went really well. My time was 24:56 and I came in 5th in my age division. Admittedly, it was probably the easiest course I've ever ran (all pavement and 80% down hill), but I'll take it! I've gotten so excited about running again that I have plans to run six more races in the coming weekends. They probably won't be all as easy, but now at least I have a time to beat. My personal best back when I ran XC was 23:23. I'd love to be able to run that again!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
AF came way early for me this weekend giving me a 6 day LP. That was my shortest yet. As I said before, I decided to call and get an appointment with a new doctor (my old doc was awful). First, I called a doc that my GP recommended and her office couldn't get me in until Oct 27. The girl I talked to kind of gave me attitude and didn't seem like she had a clue as to what I was talking about when I briefly explained about my LP's. I wasn't happy, but I made the app anyways, so at least I had something. My SIL is a PA and when she was doing her rotations, she did her OB/GYN one with another area doctor. She spoke pretty highly of him and my boss actually recommended him, too. So, I called his office, also. It was like night and day compared to the first doc's. The office lady I talked to was really nice and very helpful. She was thorough in getting all of my information and offered to help me transfer over my records from my old doc. She was able to get me in on September 20. I'm going to be seeing an infertility nurse (that sounds scary!) for a consultation and then we'll go from there. I feel good about this and I hope it's a step in the right direction.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up. We're 19 months into trying. This is our 12th cycle of actively TTC (5th since the last MC). It was never supposed to have taken this long. I'm starting to think, what's even the point anymore? Even if I do get PG, it's not like I'll be able to keep it. Maybe the app in a few weeks will renew my want to try, but right now, I'm pretty, "meh" about the whole situation.
The one good thing about this weekend was Labor Day. It was a three day weekend, and on Monday I ran my first 5k since my Sr year of XC (9 years ago this fall!). I was nervous leading up to it, but it went really well. My time was 24:56 and I came in 5th in my age division. Admittedly, it was probably the easiest course I've ever ran (all pavement and 80% down hill), but I'll take it! I've gotten so excited about running again that I have plans to run six more races in the coming weekends. They probably won't be all as easy, but now at least I have a time to beat. My personal best back when I ran XC was 23:23. I'd love to be able to run that again!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, August 29, 2011
2 DPO
Ah the 2 ww... So full of hope and promise! Happy thoughts run around in my head, "maybe I'll find out I'm PG in a week or so!", "maybe my little eggie is making it's way down to implant!", "maybe this will be an awesome winter!". I'm trying to not let myself get hyped up... It's so hard!
Let it be.
I decided today that whether I get a BFP or AF at the end of the month, I'm going to call that new doctor and get the ball rolling. I'm just going to plan on getting AF... I'm going to ask about my short LP and possibly cd3 and 7dpo testing. From the looks of it, my LP has gone from 10 days down to 8ish. My last four have been 10, 9, 7, and 10 or 8 (I had conflicting O days last month. I'd like to think 10, but I know it's probably 8). I'm still taking the Vitex, and I know it can take three months to work, but I'm a month and a half in and am not seeing any difference at all yet. I'll stick it out, and continue to take it, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to take up the fight again. It's time to be proactive again and make my concerns heard. I hope with this new doctor that won't be an issue like it was with my old OB. I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it yet, though. I'm just going to ride out this cycle, hope for a BFP, and if not, we'll go from there.
Let it be, let it be...
In other news, KJ and I have been adopting a new active lifestyle, which I'm loving. He's not naturally motivated to exercise like I can be, so I've been trying to get him moving more. We started doing the C25K program together and it's been a lot of fun. We did w2d3 tonight. I've continued to run on my own, too. I signed up to run a 5K on Labor day. This will be my first race since HS (9 years ago, whole crap!) and I'm nervous! It's been my summer goal to get back into 5k's and I feel ready, just nervous.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Let it be.
I decided today that whether I get a BFP or AF at the end of the month, I'm going to call that new doctor and get the ball rolling. I'm just going to plan on getting AF... I'm going to ask about my short LP and possibly cd3 and 7dpo testing. From the looks of it, my LP has gone from 10 days down to 8ish. My last four have been 10, 9, 7, and 10 or 8 (I had conflicting O days last month. I'd like to think 10, but I know it's probably 8). I'm still taking the Vitex, and I know it can take three months to work, but I'm a month and a half in and am not seeing any difference at all yet. I'll stick it out, and continue to take it, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to take up the fight again. It's time to be proactive again and make my concerns heard. I hope with this new doctor that won't be an issue like it was with my old OB. I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it yet, though. I'm just going to ride out this cycle, hope for a BFP, and if not, we'll go from there.
Let it be, let it be...
In other news, KJ and I have been adopting a new active lifestyle, which I'm loving. He's not naturally motivated to exercise like I can be, so I've been trying to get him moving more. We started doing the C25K program together and it's been a lot of fun. We did w2d3 tonight. I've continued to run on my own, too. I signed up to run a 5K on Labor day. This will be my first race since HS (9 years ago, whole crap!) and I'm nervous! It's been my summer goal to get back into 5k's and I feel ready, just nervous.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Love Keeps Us Kind
So, I'm not a huge Linkin Park fan, but KJ likes them and he got their newest CD the other day. I was listening to it with him and I really, really liked the last song on the CD called "The Messenger". It's the perfect song for the moment I'm in right now. It reminded me of the lovely TTCAL ladies, and so, I wanted to share it with you. Remember to always love...
The Messenger
Linkin Park
When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run
Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind
When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight
Remember your loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
The Messenger
Linkin Park
When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run
Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind
When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight
Remember your loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Sunday, August 14, 2011
As Usual, God Knows Best
KJ's Grandpa died this morning. He had been in hospice care for a little over a month now. He had been sick for a while even before that, so it was expected, but it's still hard. At least he isn't in pain anymore. He was a kind man who loved to dance and take care of his cats. He asked to be buried in the suit he bought for mine and KJ's wedding. He saved his boutonniere and everything.
My MIL is a retired nurse and she was the one taking care of him. I think it's been a physical relief to her that he's passed, but now she has to deal with all of the after math. Grandpa was KJ's step dad's (MIL's husband) step dad. Step dad is pretty worthless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve mowing grass, so the burnt of all this is falling on her. His whole family is a little screwy, so I'm sure there will be drama over who gets what and how things are to be divided up. But I digress...
Just like last month when my Grandpa died, God really does know best. As disappointed as I was not to get PG this past month, I'm glad I didn't now. I know the stress of being newly PG would have been too much for KJ to deal with right now. I'm glad that we've only had to deal with one loss at a time, rather than being hit with them all at once. Boy, God might have a plan after all!
"If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me. Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
My MIL is a retired nurse and she was the one taking care of him. I think it's been a physical relief to her that he's passed, but now she has to deal with all of the after math. Grandpa was KJ's step dad's (MIL's husband) step dad. Step dad is pretty worthless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve mowing grass, so the burnt of all this is falling on her. His whole family is a little screwy, so I'm sure there will be drama over who gets what and how things are to be divided up. But I digress...
Just like last month when my Grandpa died, God really does know best. As disappointed as I was not to get PG this past month, I'm glad I didn't now. I know the stress of being newly PG would have been too much for KJ to deal with right now. I'm glad that we've only had to deal with one loss at a time, rather than being hit with them all at once. Boy, God might have a plan after all!
"If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me. Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, August 8, 2011
Cook Outs & Waiting
KJ and I hosted our annual summer cook out this Saturday. It went really well. The food was good. I made fruit kabobs that went over well. We bought a new, bigger grill for this year and it worked out a lot better for KJ to get all the meat cooked up quickly. The food I had other people bring was delish, also. We had a good turn out. Both of our families came and a few neighbors. There were lots of new people this year who hadn't come in previous years. A few of KJ's college buddies made it out and it was really nice to see everyone.
There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!
Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.
But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.
I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!
Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!
"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."
We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!
"God, I loved you so..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!
Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.
But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.
I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!
Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!
"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."
We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!
"God, I loved you so..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunny days ahead...
I went to a picnic this weekend. There were two PG ladies, three guy bragging about their PG wives, and at least five toddlers running around. And you know what? I was ok. In fact I was really fine. I even congratulated one of the guys when he told me they were going to find out the sex of their baby next week. It's like I've healed or something! When on Earth did that happen??
"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."
It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.
"You got time, baby take it!"
I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."
It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.
"You got time, baby take it!"
I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry
A lot has been going on lately. AF came early last Saturday (7/9), so it's on to cycle #3. Honestly, though, with everything that's happened between now and then, I'm glad it wasn't our cycle. The stress of getting PG again would have been too much with everything else. God really does know best.
"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."
That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.
"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."
Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.
"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.
"I don't want you to cry and weep."
Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.
"I want you to go on living your life."
My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.
"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."
Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...
"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."
The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!
"I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."
That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.
"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."
Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.
"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.
"I don't want you to cry and weep."
Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.
"I want you to go on living your life."
My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.
"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."
Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...
"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."
The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!
"I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm setting myself up for disappointment
All I can think about is testing tomorrow and getting a BFP this weekend. I'm so excited that I might find out I'm PG. **might** I'm reading way too much in to all of my "symptoms". I keep pinching my nipple to see if it's still sore. Well yeah, it'll still be sore if I keep pinching it!! Agh! I'm going crazy!
Let me tell you exactly how crazy I am... I've been running every evening and after I get home, I stretch in my back yard. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part, is that after I'm done stretching, I sit in the grass for a good 15 mins looking for four leaf clovers! I think that maybe if I find one, it'll mean that I'm going to get lucky and get PG this cycle and have a St Patty's day baby! Insane!!
I know I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. I know that most likely I will get nothing but BFN's this weekend and start AF right on time on Monday. I keep telling myself that this is only cycle #2. It's going to take a while to get there. There's this concert I'm planning on going to in October and I keep thinking "I'll be 17w at the concert!". I have to keep reminding myself that most likely I will 0w. It's like I have multiple personalities or something! Half the time I'm like, "omg I'm so KTFU!". The other half of the time, I've stop making plans for myself because I don't want to be disappointed when I'm not _w at _event
I hate this roller coaster. When is it going to be my turn to get off this ride? When will I get to have what so many have?
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Let me tell you exactly how crazy I am... I've been running every evening and after I get home, I stretch in my back yard. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part, is that after I'm done stretching, I sit in the grass for a good 15 mins looking for four leaf clovers! I think that maybe if I find one, it'll mean that I'm going to get lucky and get PG this cycle and have a St Patty's day baby! Insane!!
I know I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. I know that most likely I will get nothing but BFN's this weekend and start AF right on time on Monday. I keep telling myself that this is only cycle #2. It's going to take a while to get there. There's this concert I'm planning on going to in October and I keep thinking "I'll be 17w at the concert!". I have to keep reminding myself that most likely I will 0w. It's like I have multiple personalities or something! Half the time I'm like, "omg I'm so KTFU!". The other half of the time, I've stop making plans for myself because I don't want to be disappointed when I'm not _w at _event
I hate this roller coaster. When is it going to be my turn to get off this ride? When will I get to have what so many have?
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Continuing Mind Fetus Saga
So, I'm totally convinced that I'm going to get KTFU this cycle! I'm 2dpo and since I've O'd, both my nipples are sore. Didn't I tell you my right nipple was sore the last month I got PG... I'm just saying... I'm hopeful!
I know that if it turns out that this is all on my head (which it most likely is) I'll be pretty disappointed. The thing is, though, it feels good to get my hopes up. I like being excited about the future. I have at least a 20% chance that I won't be disappointed. It feels good not to be depressed. I am hopeful.
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your payers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rain will come again."
I have faith in God that He will take care of KJ and me. I know that someday He will bless us and give us a baby. He has taken care of us so well already and I know that He will continue to do so. I do really strive for patience, but sometimes I need to be reminded that "to everything there is a season".
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I know that if it turns out that this is all on my head (which it most likely is) I'll be pretty disappointed. The thing is, though, it feels good to get my hopes up. I like being excited about the future. I have at least a 20% chance that I won't be disappointed. It feels good not to be depressed. I am hopeful.
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your payers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rain will come again."
I have faith in God that He will take care of KJ and me. I know that someday He will bless us and give us a baby. He has taken care of us so well already and I know that He will continue to do so. I do really strive for patience, but sometimes I need to be reminded that "to everything there is a season".
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Ridiculous Mind Fetus and Other Confessions
I've been having some crazy mind fetus this month, and I haven't even O'd yet! I've felt queasy every morning around 11:00am this cycle. So, of course, if I feel sick in the morning, it must be morning sickness, and I must be on my way to being KTFU! Right?! I wish!
Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!
I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??
"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."
On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."
Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.
"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!
I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??
"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."
On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."
Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.
"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Cd1- On to Cycle #2 Post MC
Well, this month was a bust. I was really hopeful at the beginning, but once my temp dropped yesterday, I knew AF would show up shortly. Also, I'm back to my 9 day LP. I need to find a way to get an appointment with that new doctor. She won't see me just to chat, but I really feel like there's something going on with me. Everything I've read says that 10 days and bellow isn't good. It's probably because I'm PMS'ing but I'm really grumpy about it today and I'm pissed off that no one will talk to me about it. I'm so tired, I just want to go back to bed.
This next month will be the last one where we could get PG and be able to announce it at ALF. Every year DH and I, and all of our old college friends go back to Clarion for homecoming and the Autumn Leaf Festival. Since we started trying I have been looking forward to having a bump at ALF, and later taking our babies to show off to all of our friends and old professors. If I got PG this cycle I would be 16w then. I wouldn't have a huge bump, but it would be something, and we would have a 6mo old for the following year. I am hopeful...
If I don't get PG this cycle, but do the next, I would only be 12w at ALF. That seems like it would still be too close to the high risk 1st tri to announce comfortably. This past time, we told some close friends at 10w and I still really regret it. I don't think I'll really be comfortable telling anyone until, like, 20+w. Maybe after we find out the sex, I'll be able to relax... When ever that happens.
As bummed as I am about cd1, I'm still very grateful that we can try at all. I keep thinking back to the four months of hell, and it makes me very thankful that I have my cycle back and we are able to actively TTC. This is cycle #2 post MC, cycle #9 overall.
"Tomorrow we can follow through with all that we've begun. Tomorrow we'll be free, my love. We'll never be afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
This next month will be the last one where we could get PG and be able to announce it at ALF. Every year DH and I, and all of our old college friends go back to Clarion for homecoming and the Autumn Leaf Festival. Since we started trying I have been looking forward to having a bump at ALF, and later taking our babies to show off to all of our friends and old professors. If I got PG this cycle I would be 16w then. I wouldn't have a huge bump, but it would be something, and we would have a 6mo old for the following year. I am hopeful...
If I don't get PG this cycle, but do the next, I would only be 12w at ALF. That seems like it would still be too close to the high risk 1st tri to announce comfortably. This past time, we told some close friends at 10w and I still really regret it. I don't think I'll really be comfortable telling anyone until, like, 20+w. Maybe after we find out the sex, I'll be able to relax... When ever that happens.
As bummed as I am about cd1, I'm still very grateful that we can try at all. I keep thinking back to the four months of hell, and it makes me very thankful that I have my cycle back and we are able to actively TTC. This is cycle #2 post MC, cycle #9 overall.
"Tomorrow we can follow through with all that we've begun. Tomorrow we'll be free, my love. We'll never be afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
First 2ww
So, I'm in my first two week wait since October. Well, really it's a ten day wait for me. I'm 4dpo today. Next Tuesday (6/14) I'll either get AF or a BFP. I'm hopeful.
"In a little while surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this heart will hurt no more."
I've been shaking off my best stress busters: running, music, and my new fave, tea. (as usual, I'll work my way backwards!) I'm in love with Yogi teas! From AF-O I drank Women's Energy with this Chinese herb, dong quai, that's supposed to help regulate my cycle. However, it says on the package not to drink it while PG... So, none for me in the 2ww! Then, all month I've been drinking Raspberry Leaf tea, which is supposed to help "tone" my uterus and make it nice and healthy for baby carrying. Tonight I'm going to try this new tea sample I got, Relaxed Mind. It's supposed to be calming and relaxing. If I like it, I think I'm going to stock up. I might drink it in the afternoon since that's normally when I feel most anxious.
"Ooo...Slow down my beating heart... Slowly, slowly love.."
"It's been a little while..."
This is my new fave running song, a resent Hanson discovery:
"Won't you watch me bleed rock and roll razor blade"
It has an awesome beat that's perfect to run to. I've discovered quite a few random Hanson songs lately, and I'm loving it! Sometimes I feel like a bad fan, for the fact that I didn't already know about all of these unreleased songs. I'm so behind! I should have been a fan club member all along... Don't tell anyone, but I'm saving up for a year's membership!
So, the 5k I mentioned before didn't happen. I'm just not up to par yet. I've been running 2.5m a day and will work my way back up to the true long distance. If I don't get PG, by the end of the summer I'd like to be back to running 10m once a week, with 4-5m on the other days. Then again, there's a big part of me that really hopes I don't get to that point! Like I said, I'm hopeful...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"In a little while surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this heart will hurt no more."
I've been shaking off my best stress busters: running, music, and my new fave, tea. (as usual, I'll work my way backwards!) I'm in love with Yogi teas! From AF-O I drank Women's Energy with this Chinese herb, dong quai, that's supposed to help regulate my cycle. However, it says on the package not to drink it while PG... So, none for me in the 2ww! Then, all month I've been drinking Raspberry Leaf tea, which is supposed to help "tone" my uterus and make it nice and healthy for baby carrying. Tonight I'm going to try this new tea sample I got, Relaxed Mind. It's supposed to be calming and relaxing. If I like it, I think I'm going to stock up. I might drink it in the afternoon since that's normally when I feel most anxious.
"Ooo...Slow down my beating heart... Slowly, slowly love.."
"It's been a little while..."
This is my new fave running song, a resent Hanson discovery:
"Won't you watch me bleed rock and roll razor blade"
It has an awesome beat that's perfect to run to. I've discovered quite a few random Hanson songs lately, and I'm loving it! Sometimes I feel like a bad fan, for the fact that I didn't already know about all of these unreleased songs. I'm so behind! I should have been a fan club member all along... Don't tell anyone, but I'm saving up for a year's membership!
So, the 5k I mentioned before didn't happen. I'm just not up to par yet. I've been running 2.5m a day and will work my way back up to the true long distance. If I don't get PG, by the end of the summer I'd like to be back to running 10m once a week, with 4-5m on the other days. Then again, there's a big part of me that really hopes I don't get to that point! Like I said, I'm hopeful...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, May 16, 2011
Carry You There
"I'll be waiting to carry you there..."
Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."
"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."
He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.
Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.
By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.
"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."
After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...
"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."
I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.
"I'll be waiting to carry you there"
I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.
"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."
"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."
He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.
Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.
By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.
"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."
After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...
"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."
I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.
"I'll be waiting to carry you there"
I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.
"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Deep Breaths
Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.
"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."
I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.
I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.
Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.
"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."
I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.
I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.
Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.
"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Little Discouraged
I'm starting to get discouraged. My temps are high and all over the place, which means my levels are still not 0, which means my period is still no where in sight, which means still no TTC for me. I'm getting really pissed. This should not be taking this long. I feel like it's never going to end! The snow will be gone before I get my period again! Ugh!
Standing still....
"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."
"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."
I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.
Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.
"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.
I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.
"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Standing still....
"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."
"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."
I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.
Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.
"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.
I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.
"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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