Deep Breaths

Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.

"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."

I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.

I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.

Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.

"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe