I've been having some crazy mind fetus this month, and I haven't even O'd yet! I've felt queasy every morning around 11:00am this cycle. So, of course, if I feel sick in the morning, it must be morning sickness, and I must be on my way to being KTFU! Right?! I wish!
Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!
I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??
"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."
On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."
Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.
"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Making a Move
I have officially moved blog homes! I didn't realize just how public my blog on The Bump was. From the looks of it, hardly anyone has blogs (public at least) on there. So when I would show up on the "recently updated blog" list, my most resent post would sit there for days sometimes. I started getting really stupid comments on my posts and it was making me angry. Some people just don't get it. I don't mind sharing my thoughts, but I guess it has to be with people who I know will be understanding. Like the ladies on TTCAL or other ladies who have had a loss (since that's mostly what the subject matter here is). So, I have made the move to here. I feel like I can control my privacy better... hopefully.
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Bitches need to be staying away from my Blog...
Preface: the comments mentioned in this rant were made on another site that I had my blog posted on. I have since moved!
****Warning: vent approaching!!****
Ok, so I realize this is a public blog on a public site... I get that. However, if I don't know you, have never talked to you, have no clue who you are... Why the hell are you commenting on my blog posts??? Your comments are NOT helpful!! They make me angry!!
So, for some crazy reason I had three comments on my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I have never talked to these women, have no clue who they are, and have no idea how all of a sudden the three of them found my blog at the same time. I can only imagine I was on one of those silly "connect with this Bumpie" lists.
I deleted the comments because I couldn't stand to look at them. I am trying my hardest to keep in mind that these women meant well, they just were severely miss guided. They all basically said "Just relax, it will happen for you! Ps I just found out I'm KTFU with my first (squeak!)" I would just like to say, eff all of you... Had these silly women read any of my other posts, perhaps they would have realized that... It already did happen for me. I already got PG, not once, but twice! But, MY BABIES DIED. So, don't give me this puppies and rainbows sh!t about "just relax" and "everything happens in it's own time". I sincerely hope you ladies never feel the pain of having your unborn baby's life ripped from you. We'll see how relaxed you are if, God forbid, that ever happens...
So, let me clarify my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I am not upset that my co-worker's wife is PG. I am not upset at how easy it was for them to get PG. It dose upset me, though, that he is announcing it at 6w. 6w is nothing! I made it to 6w, and past it; my baby still died.
Let me also put a PSA out there. Saying things like "Just relax, it will happen for you" or "It just takes time" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "It's all in God's plan" are NOT helpful. They are hurtful. Please never say these things to me, any women who is struggling to get PG, or to a woman who has had a loss. In fact, let's just stay on the safe side, and never say these things to anyone... ever.
So, if you made it through all of that and merely think that I'm bitter and jaded (two things I fully admit to being), I do welcome your comments. If you have something that is helpful, not hurtful, to say, please say it. If you have advice that is , again, helpful, not hurtful, then please share it. But if all you want to do is spread your naive FH-ishness around, please keep your puppies and rainbows to yourself. There is no room for those things in the land of the "have lost".
Vent over.
I'm going to Let it Be...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
****Warning: vent approaching!!****
Ok, so I realize this is a public blog on a public site... I get that. However, if I don't know you, have never talked to you, have no clue who you are... Why the hell are you commenting on my blog posts??? Your comments are NOT helpful!! They make me angry!!
So, for some crazy reason I had three comments on my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I have never talked to these women, have no clue who they are, and have no idea how all of a sudden the three of them found my blog at the same time. I can only imagine I was on one of those silly "connect with this Bumpie" lists.
I deleted the comments because I couldn't stand to look at them. I am trying my hardest to keep in mind that these women meant well, they just were severely miss guided. They all basically said "Just relax, it will happen for you! Ps I just found out I'm KTFU with my first (squeak!)" I would just like to say, eff all of you... Had these silly women read any of my other posts, perhaps they would have realized that... It already did happen for me. I already got PG, not once, but twice! But, MY BABIES DIED. So, don't give me this puppies and rainbows sh!t about "just relax" and "everything happens in it's own time". I sincerely hope you ladies never feel the pain of having your unborn baby's life ripped from you. We'll see how relaxed you are if, God forbid, that ever happens...
So, let me clarify my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I am not upset that my co-worker's wife is PG. I am not upset at how easy it was for them to get PG. It dose upset me, though, that he is announcing it at 6w. 6w is nothing! I made it to 6w, and past it; my baby still died.
Let me also put a PSA out there. Saying things like "Just relax, it will happen for you" or "It just takes time" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "It's all in God's plan" are NOT helpful. They are hurtful. Please never say these things to me, any women who is struggling to get PG, or to a woman who has had a loss. In fact, let's just stay on the safe side, and never say these things to anyone... ever.
So, if you made it through all of that and merely think that I'm bitter and jaded (two things I fully admit to being), I do welcome your comments. If you have something that is helpful, not hurtful, to say, please say it. If you have advice that is , again, helpful, not hurtful, then please share it. But if all you want to do is spread your naive FH-ishness around, please keep your puppies and rainbows to yourself. There is no room for those things in the land of the "have lost".
Vent over.
I'm going to Let it Be...Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Cd1- On to Cycle #2 Post MC
Well, this month was a bust. I was really hopeful at the beginning, but once my temp dropped yesterday, I knew AF would show up shortly. Also, I'm back to my 9 day LP. I need to find a way to get an appointment with that new doctor. She won't see me just to chat, but I really feel like there's something going on with me. Everything I've read says that 10 days and bellow isn't good. It's probably because I'm PMS'ing but I'm really grumpy about it today and I'm pissed off that no one will talk to me about it. I'm so tired, I just want to go back to bed.
This next month will be the last one where we could get PG and be able to announce it at ALF. Every year DH and I, and all of our old college friends go back to Clarion for homecoming and the Autumn Leaf Festival. Since we started trying I have been looking forward to having a bump at ALF, and later taking our babies to show off to all of our friends and old professors. If I got PG this cycle I would be 16w then. I wouldn't have a huge bump, but it would be something, and we would have a 6mo old for the following year. I am hopeful...
If I don't get PG this cycle, but do the next, I would only be 12w at ALF. That seems like it would still be too close to the high risk 1st tri to announce comfortably. This past time, we told some close friends at 10w and I still really regret it. I don't think I'll really be comfortable telling anyone until, like, 20+w. Maybe after we find out the sex, I'll be able to relax... When ever that happens.
As bummed as I am about cd1, I'm still very grateful that we can try at all. I keep thinking back to the four months of hell, and it makes me very thankful that I have my cycle back and we are able to actively TTC. This is cycle #2 post MC, cycle #9 overall.
"Tomorrow we can follow through with all that we've begun. Tomorrow we'll be free, my love. We'll never be afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
This next month will be the last one where we could get PG and be able to announce it at ALF. Every year DH and I, and all of our old college friends go back to Clarion for homecoming and the Autumn Leaf Festival. Since we started trying I have been looking forward to having a bump at ALF, and later taking our babies to show off to all of our friends and old professors. If I got PG this cycle I would be 16w then. I wouldn't have a huge bump, but it would be something, and we would have a 6mo old for the following year. I am hopeful...
If I don't get PG this cycle, but do the next, I would only be 12w at ALF. That seems like it would still be too close to the high risk 1st tri to announce comfortably. This past time, we told some close friends at 10w and I still really regret it. I don't think I'll really be comfortable telling anyone until, like, 20+w. Maybe after we find out the sex, I'll be able to relax... When ever that happens.
As bummed as I am about cd1, I'm still very grateful that we can try at all. I keep thinking back to the four months of hell, and it makes me very thankful that I have my cycle back and we are able to actively TTC. This is cycle #2 post MC, cycle #9 overall.
"Tomorrow we can follow through with all that we've begun. Tomorrow we'll be free, my love. We'll never be afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Somebody Just Shoot Me In The Face...
Yet another co-worker announced to the world today that his wife is 6w PG with their honeymoon baby. Then, of course Loudmouth McKnowitall, who sits beside me, talks for a half hour straight about dippers, formula, doc apps, insurance, and everything else remotely related. I effing hate people!!!
I was doing really well lately, too. Staying calm, staying happy and mostly up-beat, staying hopeful. Then, I heard that and I wanted to scream. Now I'm sad. Now I feel like it will never happen; the unattainable dream...
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
"Take these sunken eyes and learn to see... Black bird fly"
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I was doing really well lately, too. Staying calm, staying happy and mostly up-beat, staying hopeful. Then, I heard that and I wanted to scream. Now I'm sad. Now I feel like it will never happen; the unattainable dream...
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
"Take these sunken eyes and learn to see... Black bird fly"
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
First 2ww
So, I'm in my first two week wait since October. Well, really it's a ten day wait for me. I'm 4dpo today. Next Tuesday (6/14) I'll either get AF or a BFP. I'm hopeful.
"In a little while surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this heart will hurt no more."
I've been shaking off my best stress busters: running, music, and my new fave, tea. (as usual, I'll work my way backwards!) I'm in love with Yogi teas! From AF-O I drank Women's Energy with this Chinese herb, dong quai, that's supposed to help regulate my cycle. However, it says on the package not to drink it while PG... So, none for me in the 2ww! Then, all month I've been drinking Raspberry Leaf tea, which is supposed to help "tone" my uterus and make it nice and healthy for baby carrying. Tonight I'm going to try this new tea sample I got, Relaxed Mind. It's supposed to be calming and relaxing. If I like it, I think I'm going to stock up. I might drink it in the afternoon since that's normally when I feel most anxious.
"Ooo...Slow down my beating heart... Slowly, slowly love.."
"It's been a little while..."
This is my new fave running song, a resent Hanson discovery:
"Won't you watch me bleed rock and roll razor blade"
It has an awesome beat that's perfect to run to. I've discovered quite a few random Hanson songs lately, and I'm loving it! Sometimes I feel like a bad fan, for the fact that I didn't already know about all of these unreleased songs. I'm so behind! I should have been a fan club member all along... Don't tell anyone, but I'm saving up for a year's membership!
So, the 5k I mentioned before didn't happen. I'm just not up to par yet. I've been running 2.5m a day and will work my way back up to the true long distance. If I don't get PG, by the end of the summer I'd like to be back to running 10m once a week, with 4-5m on the other days. Then again, there's a big part of me that really hopes I don't get to that point! Like I said, I'm hopeful...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"In a little while surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this heart will hurt no more."
I've been shaking off my best stress busters: running, music, and my new fave, tea. (as usual, I'll work my way backwards!) I'm in love with Yogi teas! From AF-O I drank Women's Energy with this Chinese herb, dong quai, that's supposed to help regulate my cycle. However, it says on the package not to drink it while PG... So, none for me in the 2ww! Then, all month I've been drinking Raspberry Leaf tea, which is supposed to help "tone" my uterus and make it nice and healthy for baby carrying. Tonight I'm going to try this new tea sample I got, Relaxed Mind. It's supposed to be calming and relaxing. If I like it, I think I'm going to stock up. I might drink it in the afternoon since that's normally when I feel most anxious.
"Ooo...Slow down my beating heart... Slowly, slowly love.."
"It's been a little while..."
This is my new fave running song, a resent Hanson discovery:
"Won't you watch me bleed rock and roll razor blade"
It has an awesome beat that's perfect to run to. I've discovered quite a few random Hanson songs lately, and I'm loving it! Sometimes I feel like a bad fan, for the fact that I didn't already know about all of these unreleased songs. I'm so behind! I should have been a fan club member all along... Don't tell anyone, but I'm saving up for a year's membership!
So, the 5k I mentioned before didn't happen. I'm just not up to par yet. I've been running 2.5m a day and will work my way back up to the true long distance. If I don't get PG, by the end of the summer I'd like to be back to running 10m once a week, with 4-5m on the other days. Then again, there's a big part of me that really hopes I don't get to that point! Like I said, I'm hopeful...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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