Dear Little One,
Today is the second anniversary of your due date. Today we should be celebrating your second birthday. The house should be decorated and a cake baking in the oven. I should be making up favor bags and games for you to play with your little friends. You should be running around the house with too much excitement for you little body to handle in anticipation for your birthday party. I should be thinking back to the day you were born with fond memories.
Instead, we are apart today, and it still breaks my heart. Instead, I am thinking back to the amazing moment when I found out about you and the wonderful week daddy and I had with you. It should have been a lifetime longer, though. I miss you.
Your youngest sister gave me a "Mom" necklace for Christmas this year. It's nice to finally be called what you have called me all along... Mommy.
You will always be my first baby. You were the one that started it all. Know that I will always love you and I think of you often. You will never be forgotten. Today and always, you will be in my heart. I pray that Jesus gives you an extra big hug and kiss from me. I know you are well taken care of in His arms.
I love you. I miss you.
Mommy
Showing posts with label May Baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label May Baby. Show all posts
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday, May 28, 2012
2 Years
Two years ago today my life was forever changed. Two
years ago I lost my first baby and became a mom to an angel. I was only
pg for a week, but I loved my baby so much and still do.
Today I remember you, LO. You will always be my first baby. I miss you and love you.
Lots Love,
KJsbabe
Today I remember you, LO. You will always be my first baby. I miss you and love you.
Lots Love,
KJsbabe
Friday, January 27, 2012
A Song for my Angels
Today is one year since my first EDD. I'm so incredibly grateful for the LO growing inside of me, but I will anyways love and miss my angels. This is for you, sweet little ones. Mommy loves you.
Never Let Go
Hanson
Just lay down, and let your worry sleep
Don't think now, of waters dark and deep
Cuz you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go
Just cry out, yeah I've cried those tears before
Well I can feel it now, as your tear drops hit the floor
'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go
Yes I love you and never let go
You don't have to ask me do I love you
As I hold you it says how much I do
I'm yours until forever is though
Every time I stand before you
I know I'd lay my life down for you
I'll never let, I'd never let go
Just lay down, put your worry thoughts to bed
As slumber pulls you down, let my shoulder rest your head
'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
Yeah you know that I love you forever
Love you and never go
Yes I love you and never let go
Never let go...
I'll never let go...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Never Let Go
Hanson
Just lay down, and let your worry sleep
Don't think now, of waters dark and deep
Cuz you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go
Just cry out, yeah I've cried those tears before
Well I can feel it now, as your tear drops hit the floor
'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
And you know that I love you forever
Love you and never let go
Yes I love you and never let go
You don't have to ask me do I love you
As I hold you it says how much I do
I'm yours until forever is though
Every time I stand before you
I know I'd lay my life down for you
I'll never let, I'd never let go
Just lay down, put your worry thoughts to bed
As slumber pulls you down, let my shoulder rest your head
'Cus you know that I love you and never let go
Yeah you know that I love you forever
Love you and never go
Yes I love you and never let go
Never let go...
I'll never let go...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Looking Back...
Preface: I have written a lot about my second loss and It's been very helpful to me to get all of my thoughts out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to wright a bit about my first loss in May, also.
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, January 27, 2011
To my Baby
My Dearest Baby,
Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.
You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.
I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.
Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.
You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,
Mommy
Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.
You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.
I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.
Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.
You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,
Mommy
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Good Days and Bad Days
I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can think about. Other days it's easier not to think about so much.
Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...
Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.
Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.
For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.
I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...
Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.
Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.
For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.
I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)