Preface: I have written a lot about my second loss and It's been very helpful to me to get all of my thoughts out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to wright a bit about my first loss in May, also.
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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