Sometimes I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel like I'm rattling ice in the wind. My brain feels scattered. I can't seem to organized my thoughts lately.
"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."
"I go back to December all the time."
I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.
I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.
"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"
"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"
Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.
"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"
"And she says, please watch over me"
So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.
I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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