My Follow-up Appointment

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.

I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.

I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.

"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"

So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over

"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

The Last 99 Days

Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.

The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.

"I don't want to be here any more"

I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!

"I just want to feel ok again"

So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.

I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.

"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"

While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...

"Black bird fly"

"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

April, Please be Kind

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.

"There will be an answer, let it be"

I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.

"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"

I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?

"I just want feel ok again"

So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.

"Black bird fly..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe