Merry Christmas to Me!

On Christmas day we hit 12 weeks! I can't believe I've made it this far! The best present I received this year was hearing LO's HB on the doppler Christmas morning. I'm getting so excited about this baby! It's getting more and more real with each passing week. We might actually have a baby July!

Here is my three month bump picture from Sunday. (We're obviously holiday themed!)

I'm starring to get a tiny bump. I know it isn't all bloat because it hasn't gone away since about week 7. KJ says it's most obvious when I'm laying down.

KJ and I went out after Christmas shopping today. We got about 10 rolls of wrapping paper, 10 packs of holiday paper plates, napkins, cards, and gift tags all for 1/2 price. I love a good sale! We also found some other things on sale: My very first purchase for LO!

We went to Target and I tried on some maternity jeans. They were still pretty big on me so I think I'm going to wait another month and revisit them. I picked up a BeBand instead. My regular jeans are getting tight, but I'm not sure how much I'm going to like it. I bought the small/medium size because by the sizing chart that's what I should be. I tried it on tonight, though, and it seems really tight. I guess I'll just have to wear it around and see how I like it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today my world came crashing down around me. It was our second pg and I should have been 10w6d. KJ and I went in for an u/s and found our LO was gone. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was so angry and upset that this had happened to us again. What did we do to deserve this? At that point I didn't know if I would ever heal from the pain I felt. I remember sitting on the couch that night doing shots of vodka so I would just stop feeling...

Today, though, surprisingly has been a good day. I woke up this morning and decided to give the doppler another go. I had got it in the mail on Monday and wasn't able to hear LO's HB that night and got pretty discouraged. The PgAL ladies told me to put it away for a couple days and try again later. So, that's what I did. With in five minuets of trying this morning I had found it! "Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish" Best sound ever!! It was a very different sound than my own HB (I had gotten pretty good at finding that!) which was a slow "squish, squish... squish, squish... squish, squish".

Hearing LO's HB has made all the difference. I was prepared to have a really down day. Just knowing, though, that today of all days, my baby has a HB, it's the most wonderful and comforting thing I could ask for. I'm tearing up as I wright this! Geez these pg hormones! This LO might have a shot after all...

I will always love and miss my lost LO's, but today, I'm ok. Finally!

Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

And I don't have Chicken Pox!

Woo hoo!

To recap the saga: when we started IF testing at the beginning of October my doctor tested me for chicken pox, as a routine thing they check for. It came up positive, even though I didn't have any symptoms. I had it rechecked a few weeks later and it came up positive a second time. Shortly after that I found out I was pg again and then it became a whole new ball game. Chicken pox while pg can be all kinds of bad (birth defects and other scary complications). I saw an infectious diseases doctor at the beginning of November who didn't spiciaze in pg women. She basically told me, "Well you're pg now so I can't do anything for you!". I had it check a third time a couple weeks ago and I'm still postitive...

Well, long story short I saw a MFM doctor today at McGee Women's Hospital. She was very nice and said that the test my OB was using (testing for IgM) is notorious for getting false positives. She consulted with a different infectious diseases doctor who specializes in pg women (also at McGee) and they went over all of my labs in depth. They're both very confident I've been getting false positives and do not have chicken pox! Yay!

It feels so good to get this resolved and not have to worry about it any more!

Since KJ and I had taken the whole day off work, we decided to make our time in the city worth while and went to Ikea. Love! We browsed the baby section and saw so many things I want to get! If we have a boy we're planning on a jungle themed nursery and if it's a girl we'll do a garden theme. They have these big canopy-like leafs that I just love!



We also looked at the cribs and dresser/ changing table combos. Our future nursery is a pretty small room, so non-bulky and duel purpose pieces are a must. It seems like all the cribs at Target and BRU are these huge tanker things. I mean, I definitely want something sturdy, but I feel like you can still have that without all the bulk. That's why I like the Ikea ones. It doesn't look like there's much to them, but they feel really sturdy and durable.

Hensvik crib


(I can't believe I'm debating about cribs! I'm only 9 weeks! Crazy girl KJ's coming out again!)

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Have a Baby in Me!!

We had our second u/s this morning. I was so incredibly nervous before hand. I was so sure we weren't going to get good news. I guess I've just gotten used to getting bad news that I assume it will happen every time. But the app could not have gone better! Such a relief! I'm so happy I feel like crying!

My doctor started out with the usual "how do you feel" stuff. He said it's a very good sign I've been having ms since I really didn't have it last time. He did an internal exam and said my ute felt excellent! Huge sigh of relief right there. Then, we saw the tech who did the u/s (she's always so nice and cheery!). Right away we saw our LO with a little flicking HB. S/he is measuring 8w1d, which going by my O date is dead on. Our official EDD is 7/8/12, which is what I thought, but it's nice to have the conformation. LO is 1.7cm long and has a heart rate of 174!! My baby has a HB!!



Our next app will be the NT scan. I'll be 12w on Christmas day and of corse my doctor is going to be out of town that week, so we have to wait until Janurary 4 when I'll be 13w3d. We were planning on announcing on New Years at midnight, but it looks like that will have to wait now. I'm just not comfortable announcing until after the scan. It's a small inconvenience, though! I'm just happy that there's a little peanut in me! We were only going to see KJ's dad and family at New Years, so we were going to have to make the rounds again to his mom's and my family anyways. A little disappointing, but certainly not the end of the world. I just hope KJ doesn't try to talk me into announcing anyways...



Before our app, all I could think was that I was in the exact same spot I was in last year at this time. I was ~8w and we went in the Monday after Thanksgiving for an u/s (our first) and found out our LO wasn't growing properly. S/he only measured 6w and by the time we went back to check on growth, our LO was gone. There are so many similarities on the time line with my current pg and last years, it's so hard not to compare. One thing that isn't similar, though, is that I have a, so far, healthy 8w baby with a HB. Even though I was pg for longer with the last, this is the most actually pg I've ever been. Milestone!!

It seems so long until our next app! I have to wait all the way til next year. One good thing, though, is that the holidays will be much better this year than last. I have to admit, I was decorating the house for Christmas this weekend and I couldn't help but think about how broken hearted I was when I put all of those decorations away last January. This has been a hard year all around, with the MC that never ended and both KJ and I lossing a grandfather. 2012 will be much better, I just know it! A year of new beginnings!

This was me on Sunday: 2 months!! (We're fall themed for November, if you couldn't tell!)

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

First Snow, Food aversion, and Days of nausea

Friday morning KJ and I woke up to our first snow of the year. We got a pretty heavy dusting. It was Colby-Jack's first time really seeing snow. He was born at the end of February, but I don't think he was old enough to really see it before it all melted this spring. He didn't seem to mind the snow. I think he was more interested in eating it than anything! By lunch time it was all melted and hasn't been back since. I'm sure we'll see it back perminatly very soon.

Friday was also my first day of food aversions. It started out just mainly as sweets. I usually love cookies, but I couldn't even stand to look at the chocolate chunk cookies KJ bought me. :( I felt bad. Then on Saturday, I added meat to the yuck-o list. Or at least processed meat. We had chicken nuggets for dinner and they tasted pretty gross. Sunday fruit got a little iffy, but I think it's ok now. This morning I pretty much didn't want to eat any thing. The only thing that sounds good right now are carbs and occasionally cheese. Ugh... I can't wait until the first tri is over!

Today is also the first day I feel like I could actually throw up. Yuck! It's probably party my food aversions fault, since I haven't felt like eating anything. They say you feel worse when you don't eat, so I've been munching on popcorn. No puking yet, but ginger ale has definitely been my bestie today. I think I might try going to 5 or 6 small meals a day insted if my regular 3 big ones. I've been feeling incredibly bloated after eating lately and I seem to feel better just snacking.

The only thing about snacking, though, is I'm afraid I'm going to give myself away at work. I sit at the back of a room by the kitchenette with three other people. Every time I have to go to the bathroom (which has been a lot lately) I have to walk by every one. Every time someone goes to the kitchen (which is pretty often) they have to walk by me and can see everything I'm doing. Maybe I'm just paranoid! I don't mind my supervisor knowing I'm pg (I havn't told her yet) because she knows about my losses and she's very discrete with personal matters. She actually recommended my OB to me when I was looking for a new one. The other people I work with, though, are very , umm, not discrete. They are in your face, let's talk about every little detail, kind of people. I don't want them knowing anything about my losses, or being pg, or anything else until I'm much further along. Ugh, this is going to be difficult... Any suggestions on sneaky snacking??

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Didn't Expect November to be so Nice

November has been a wonderful month so far. The weather has been amazing for this time of year. It's been in the 60's all week, which for western PA is unheard of in November. I just wish Daylight Savings had held off a week or two so when I get home from work it was actually still light out and I could enjoy the nice weather. Oh well.

Other things have been nice, too. It's been two whole weeks since my BFP and I'm still pg! Today I'm 5w4d. This is the point in my first pg that I MC'ed. It's been kind of a personal milestone for me today that everything is still doing well. My third beta check from Thursday came back at 1254. Another great number! I had my fourth and final check on Monday which came back at 6320. Woo hoo! So here's the list for anyone who's been keeping track (like me!):

Oct 28 (12 dpo) - 82.8
Oct 31 (15dpo) - 383
Nov 3 (18dpo) - 1254
Nov 7 (22dpo) - 6320

Those are some great looking numbers, if I do say so myself! My last beta was high enough that my OB nurse scheduled me for an early ultrasound today. KJ and I got to see the sac, but no fetal pole or heartbeat yet. Since I'm still so early, we were expecting that. The u/s tech said that the sac was measuring right on track, though, which was great. At least we know that it's in there and, so far, it's doing what it should be doing. I have another appointment with my OB nurse on Tuesday (11/15), but I'm not sure if I'll get to have another u/s or not. I hope so. A lot of the PgAL ladies said that when they went in a 6w they didn't see a HB yet, but when they went back a few days later, it was there. I'm not too concerned about it. I'm choosing to have faith.

Also, today I had my app with the infectious diseases doctor. She literately told me, "I don't know why you're here!" She said that 9 times out of 10 when chicken pox comes up positive like that it just means that at some point recently I was exposed to the virus. Also, because I'm pg now, she doesn't even deal with prenatal care so she has no idea how to even treat me if I did have it. She said she was going to consult with Magee Woman's Hospital down in Pittsburgh and see what they had to say about it. All in all, it was a pretty pointless appointment! It literately took longer to take my BP and temp than the whole consolation with the doctor took. A whole morning off work wasted.... Oh well, at least we're 90% sure it's nothing.

"Good day Sunshine!"

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Betas are Coming in!

It's been a whole week since I got my BFP and I'm still pregnant! Such a relief! On Monday I got my first beta number back from my Friday b/w. I was at 82.8, was is a good start. Since I'm officially pg by medical standards now, my doctor put me on progesterone suppositories, Endometrine 100mg 2x a day. Just being on it makes my mind more at ease. I'm not worrying so much now if my LO has enough of what it needs to grow on or not. On Tuesday I got my second beta number back from my Monday b/w which was 383. Yay for quadrupling numbers! I went in again today and then Monday (11/7) for more checks. Hopefully we'll still see the doubling numbers we need. My OB nurse (not my IF nurse anymore! Same lady, though) said that as long as I get a good number on Monday she'll have be come in for an early u/s next week. So exciting! I need some major FX'ing!

I'm still extremely nervous about this pregnancy. Sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate this feeling. I'm trying my best to stay hopeful and trust in God, but I'm so scared. I had a tiny bit of pink spotting last night a freaked the eff out. It happened right before bed and it was all I could do to fall a sleep. Today, it's just been a bit of brown, so that's been a huge relief. I think what happened was I got a little to firm with the progesterone applicator. I will definitely be more careful from now on! Please that be the last scare I have with this pg!

My symptoms have started to increase, which only makes me feel better. My (.)(.) are much more sore today than they have been, I have a bit of light cramping now and then, and I could really go for a nap. Bring on the morning sickness!

"I want it all!"

I'm anxiously awaiting my third beta check which I'll probably get back tomorrow. Please double, LO! Mommy loves you!!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe



P.S. On a side note, I unfortunately was in the musical Baby in college. It was such a horrendous production I seem to have successfully blocked out of my mind. I only remembered how funny and ridiculous the songs were and didn't seem to remember how annoying and ear splitting the "Broadway" (I use that term very loosely) soundtrack was. I've removed the song "I Want it All" from the playlist because I figure if I can't stand it, you probably can't either! Instead, enjoy the lyrics:

I want it all
I want it all
I want the whole female experience in a ball
I want it all
I want the morning sickness and the elations
I want every known female sensation
I want to be Scarlett O’Hara, Joan of Arc, Lauren Bacall
I want it all!

This Time Around

Where do I even start? I guess I'll just say it. I'm pregnant!!!! I'm still a little in shock and don't fully believe it yet. I'm really nervous and scared, but I'm trusting God, and whatever happens, I know he will take care of me.

I thought beyond a doubt that I had gotten AF on Tuesday. For me, it was "on time" and my temps went down like normal. Then Thursday rolled around and I had a huge temp spike. At that point Crazy-Girl-KJ came out and thought, "Well I know AF is here, but it's been pretty light and with that temp spike... I could still be pg, right??" I took a wondof and got a barely there BFP. Shocked!



I called my IF nurse and she said that what I thought was AF was probably really implantation bleeding. Now, I've always read that implantation bleeding is normally just a tiny bit of spotting, and I defiantly had a full on flow for a day and a half. That alone makes me pretty nervous. I spotted a bit Thursday and it's pretty much stopped yesterday. I'd be lying if I said, I have a lot of faith this pg will last. I'm trying to stay positive, though. For now, for today, I am pregnant!

Yesterday morning I took the plunge and tested with a EPT digital. Seeing a definitive "Pregnant" made this much more believable. I went yesterday afternoon for a blood test. I won't get my numbers back until Monday, though.



Last week at my follow up app I opted to have a RPL panel ran and it's a good thing I did. I got the results yesterday and it came back with one mutation of MTHFR, C677T. My doctor wants me to start taking extra folic acid starting ASAP. After my +blood test comes back on Monday, he'll also put me on progesterone supplements. It sucks that I have to wait all the way until Monday, though. I have some progesterone cream that I've been putting on my wrists, but it's no where near as potent as the supplements will be. Hang on till Monday, LO!

^^This is why I love my new OB! He's so proactive. If I had stayed with my old OB, I'd probably be in line for another MC. I actually feel like I have a chance of keeping this LO now.

I announced my BFP on TTCAL and intro'ed on PgAL yesterday. I was nervous, but the support from those ladies was just overwhelming. They have been such a blessing and have really helped me get through my last lost and everything that came with it. I hope they know how much they mean to me!

"All I know's that the fear has got to go this time around."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Morning With the Boys

Every morning there's an obstacle corse in my kitchen while I'm trying to make lunches. The boys are very lovey in the morning.

Colby-Jack, Casper, and Tucker

Another Busy Week

On Wednesday this week (10/19) KJ and I went to my follow up app with my new OB. He had some questions about the SA that I wasn't answering very well, so it was good he went with me and got some answers. We got some good news and some, I guess, interesting news. The interesting news is that my doctor has dx me with the "thin person's" version of PCOS. All of my additional b/w came back normal (testosterone, TSH, insulin, glucose, ect), but the two main things pointing to it are my unbalanced FSH & LH and a cyst on my right ovary. I guess this isn't the worst thing in the world. My doctor said it's very treatable, especially in my "thin person" state. Since everything else was clean, I don't have to be on any meds or anything. I feel like this is really just a "label" for my fertility issues. He said next time I get pg I'll be monitored very closely and be put on progesterone right away. I was very glad to hear that!

On to the good news: we got the exact numbers back from KJ's SA (before the nurse just told me they were "good"). His count was 90mil with 70% motility! My doctor thinks that the reason we haven't gotten pg again yet has something to do with the mysterious white blood cells they found in his sample. He said it's probably a minor infection and the urologist will give him some antibiotics to help clear it up. He was very confident that after that's taken care of, I'll be pg in no time.

With only two MC's my doctor doesn't consider me to have reoccurring pg loss, but offered to do an RPL panel anyways. I did that b/w on today (all 10 viles!). I also have a SIS on November 1 to check for polyps and fibroids. I figured we might as well continue with the testing while we're waiting for DH's urologist app next month. In the mean time, he wants us to continue trying on our own and if I'm not pg by January he'll start me on a couple cycles of clomid. He didn't want to start me on it now if DH's sperm aren't in top shape. I had thought that we might start on the clomid right away, but I get why he wants to wait. It made me feel really good that's he's so sure I'll be pg in the next next few months. I hope he's right!

Yesterday my IF nurse called to tell me that the recheck for chickenpox that I did on Monday, came back positive again. *le sigh* She set me up with a referral app with an infectious diseases doctor. It's possible that this is just a false positive, meaning there's no active infection, but she wants me to get this checked out now rather than later. If I were to get pg with a live infection, it can be all kinds of bad and cause some serious birth defects. My mom swears that I had them as a baby, so I have no idea why this is coming up. My app with the ID doctor is on November 10.

We got the bill for KJ's SA in the mail today. It's the first bill we've gotten from the testing so far. It was only $16.05!! Phew! A lot of insurances don't cover IF related things and I'm so glad our's does.

I have to say, I am so, so grateful I finally found a good doctor with an amazing staff. I feel like when I bring up a concern or a question they actually listen and take it seriously. They don't brush me off as just another silly patient with a dumb question. All of the testing they've offered has been exactly what I was looking and hoping for. I feel like we're finally on the right track!

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Where to Start?

Where to start? So much has been going on! Busy busy. You had better grab your popcorn now, because this is going to be a long one!

 
 
On Sept 20 I had an appointment with an infertility nurse at my new OB's for a consultation. She was really nice. I explained to her everything about trying, MC #1, the whole MC #2 debacle, and my short LP's. She was really wonderful about everything. She knew exactly what I was talking about and jumped right in to talking about testing and Clomid. She said that because we've been trying for a year and a half and have had two MC's, I qualify for testing with them. When she said I should start charting my BBT, I got really excited and said, "I love charting!". She was very open to looking at my charts (my old OB pretty much rolled his eyes at my charts) and even complimented how neat and organized FF was. The plan we came up with was on my next cycle to do CD3 blood work, a HSG on CD7, and a SA for KJ. The app really could not have gone better.

Mine and KJ's 4th wedding anniversary was on Sept 22. I was really sick all that week, so we had a low key celebration of take out, a movie, and FWP. I, of coarse, was O'ing while I was sick, but I wasn't about to give up on a perfectly good month just because I wasn't feeling well. We ended up going out to a nice dinner that weekend to celebrate properly.

I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to test until Monday, Oct 3, because I was planning on running two races that weekend. If I did happen to get a BFP, I didn't want to be thinking, "OMG, I'm PG, I'm so scarred to run!" I wanted to be able to run well and not have any emotional distraction. Well. I didn't even make it to my test date. AF came Friday (Sept 30) night and gave me another 7 day LP. Joy. Another reason I didn't want AF to come on that day was because last year my last AF before my BFP started on Sept 30. Now I'm lined up to O and possibly get a BFP exactly when I did last year. This is the one and only month I hope I don't get pg. It would be really hard go through the same time line again. I think I would be twice as worried as any other month. *Le sigh*




Saturday, Oct 1 KJ and I drove over to Clarion for the start of ALF week 5k. It was rainy and cold and all around gross outside. I ran anyway, but I didn't have a great time. I got 24:00 and came in 59th. I just wasn't pushing myself and was kind of disappointed because of it. Also, that day we went back to that yard sale from a few weeks ago and bought the rest of the ALF glasses that sweet old lady had. I have them all set up in my cabinet now and they look great. The search is back on for more!



On Sunday Oct 2, KJ and I went to the next town over and we both ran in the Clark Vol FD 5k. It was still cold and rainy (high of 49 degrees!), so there was hardly anyone there (42 runners!), but we ran anyways. It was KJ's first race and I was very proud of him. I also redeemed myself from the day before. KJ came in 22nd over all with 25:47 and I can in 12th over all and 1st female with 22:19, and new personal best. I was pretty proud of my time and that I won! I've never come in first before. I won a fruit basket and everything!




Monday, Oct 3 I did my CD3 blood work (even though it was cd4).


Wednesday, Oct 5 I took a half day of work and drove with my sister to Cleveland. We saw Hanson at the House of Blues!! I had such an awesome time. They are such great live performers. You know, sometimes you go see acts live and they don't sound anything like what they're supposed to. Hanson is nothing like that. They sound exactly like they do on their CDs and they're so energetic and fun to watch! The concert was by far the best I've ever been to! Life changing!




 

On Thursday, Oct 6 I had my HSG. It went pretty well. When they put the catheter in and blew up the balloon, I had a pretty bad cramp, but other than that it was fine. Everything looked good. My ute had a good shape and my tubes were clear, so that was good news. Also, I got my b/w back that day. Everything looked good except for my FSH and LH levels. They were out of balance which can be an indication of PCOS. I was pretty surprised by that. I've read over the symptoms a few times before and it's never sounded like something I had. My IF nurse sent me for more b/w and I also had an u/s done that day to check for cysts. It showed I have a small cyst on my right ovary. I'm not sure what that means. I thought I've read before that a cyst now and then is normal. I honestly haven't had time to look anything up about it.

Friday, October 7 I went in for my extra b/w and KJ had his SA drop off. He was kind of nervous about it, but got through it. After that, we headed over to Clarion for ALF. Every year on the Friday of ALF there's a huge craft fair down main street. it stretches for 12 blocks all the way from campus to the stadium. On years where the weather is nice (like this year) there's been up to a quarter of a million people all over this little college town. I officially started my Christmas shopping! I found some nice gifts for my sister and MIL. I got a cute little sign to hang in my kitchen, also.



KJ and I had a really good time catching up with all of our old college friends at ALF. A lot of KJ's friends are starting to have kids now. Last year at this time I was so sure I would have a baby to show off this weekend, or at least a nice bump. It was hard seeing everyone ooo and aww over all of these adorable babies. I tried to stay positive, though. It helped to know we're at least moving forward with the testing. Maybe someday I'll have a LO to take to ALF.



"Someday. Say it's coming soon"

Yesterday, my IF nurse called with KJ's SA results. She said he has good motility, a good amount of normal sperm, and good morphology. She did say, though, that they found white blood cells in his sample. She said it probably means that he was sick or is getting sick, and that's probably nothing. They do want him to see an urologist, though, just in case to check things out. KJ wasn't too happy about seeing a specialist, but is going to go for me. I really hope the nurse is right and it's nothing.

Today I got a new iPhone! I'm excited! This is a really big step for me. I've had the same LG flip phone since before we were married. It's still in pretty good shape, so I really didn't feel the need to upgrade. I have an iTouch, and between the two, it did pretty much everything I needed. Lately, though, I've been seeing the need more and more to get a smart phone. I wanted the GPS, camera, Internet anywhere, touch and phone all in one pretty package. I really like it so far. I'm just trying to transfer everything over now. What a pain!




Phew! That was long! If you made it all the way through, that deserves some cheese cake!

 


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

In a Little While, Surely You'll be Mine

I really need to stop lurking on PgAL. If I can't handle it after all this time, I don't know why I keep doing it. I recognize so many ladies there who have moved on from TTCAL. I'm so happy that they have all been blessed with another LO, but at the same time I feel very left behind. I usually venture over when I'm having a good day, normally in the 2ww (like today). I click on a post from a SN I recognize and read about their good news. I start looking at every one's tickers and see how far along they are now. I think back to when I congratulated them on their BFP's and it doesn't seem like it's been 16, or 20, or 32 weeks now, but it has. It's been that long, and longer. The first lady who I remember from the MC/PL board getting a BFP is about ready to pop. She has spent all of this time PG, and I have spent all of this time not even close.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

I trust God to give me a healthy baby when He is ready. There's really nothing else to do. Every life is a gift from Him. It might sound silly, but since my second loss I have prayed that He will not let me become pg again until I am able to have a healthy baby. Maybe it's the wrong thing to pray for, but that's what it is. Even with trust, though, it's hard not to feel left behind.

I think it's time for some wine...




Now that's my kind of glass!

"Slow down my beating heart. Slowly, slowly love."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

And I waited for you...

This weekend was pretty busy. On Saturday KJ and I drove over to the Peanut Butter Festival and I ran the 5k. It was a chilly morning, but it turned out to be a good race. My time was 23:32, which I was really happy with. Only 9 seconds off of my personal best. I came in 22nd over all, 4th woman, and 2nd in the 20-29 female age bracket. I got a silver medal!

On our way home from the race we saw a sign for a yard sale, and since we both love a good sale, we stopped. The town we were driving through was close Clarion where KJ and I met and went to school. Every fall for homecoming they hold the Autumn Leaf Festival. It's this huge thing where a quarter of a million people come to this tiny college and swarm main street in search of crafts, fried food, and of course, leaves. We go back every year and we love it. Also, every year since 1959 they have made a commemorative glass to go along with the theme that year. I started buying them half way through school and thought it would be cool to collect them. So, whenever I see an old one I pick it up. Back to the yard sale,  we hit the jackpot! This sweet old lady was having a sale and had a ton of old ALF glasses. It was awesome! I only had $12 on me so I bought six glasses: '01, '99, '98, '96, '95, and '94. We got to talking and she obviously knew all about the glasses and how people collect them. She offered to keep the rest of what she had back for me for later. I couldn't believe she was willing to do that! We'll be going back to Clarion for a 5k on Oct 1, so now we also have plans to go back to this woman's house and buy eight more glasses (much older ones) for $30. Plus she said she'd keep an eye out for any more for me. It was an awesome day!



Sunday I ran the Sharon PD Five-O 5k. It was another chilly morning, but that's September for you. The race went really well and I made a new personal best! I had a time of 22:44, 22nd over all, 4th woman, and 1st in the 25-29 female age bracket. I can't believe I'm in the 22's! I never thought I'd get that fast. I'm very proud of my new time! I got another medal, too.



Sunday night I stared feeling like I was coming down with something. This morning I woke up with a full blown sinus infection. I feel like poo... There's a race on both Saturday and Sunday that I haven't signed up for, but could still do. I guess I'll have to see how I'm feeling towards the end of the week and decide if I feel up to them or not.



I hope I feel better soon...

"Maybe some day..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Running for Fun!

"Maybe. It's a vicious little word that could slay me."

I ran in the Saxonburg Arts Festival 5k this weekend. It was a much harder course than last weekend, but went pretty well. I improved my time from last week and that's really my main goal when racing. My official time was 23:45, but the photo evidence begs to differ. KJ took a picture of me crossing the finish line and you can clearly see the clock at 23:52.



Even still, it was a whole minuet faster than last week. Placing wise, I did much better than I though I would. 61st over all, 12th over all female, and 1st in the 25-29 year old females. I won a medal and everything! There wasn't a lot of competition (only three other girls in my age bracket), but I was still pretty proud of my self.



Next up this weekend is the Peanut Butter Festival 5K on Saturday and the Sharon PD Five-O 5K on Sunday. I've never been to the PB festival, but I think it's pretty amusing they have a whole celebration just for peanut butter. I bet poor jelly feels a little left out!

"Someday. Say it's coming soon."

BT-Dubs, I'm loving Sara Bareilles' CD "Kaleidoscope Heart"

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

6 Day LP and Other Downers

Every month I feel more and more like I'm being left behind. Every few weeks there's a BFP wave on TTCAL, and as usual I get stuck in the undertow. I'm happy for each and every lady who gets to graduate, I just wish I could move on with them. The ladies who came onto the board about the same time I did (back in Feb) have dwindled to only about a handful. I'm a few months shy of becoming an official TTCAL oldie, something I never wanted to be. If I don't get PG this cycle, next month will be one year since my BFP cycle. I never thought it would take this long to get PG again.



AF came way early for me this weekend giving me a 6 day LP. That was my shortest yet. As I said before, I decided to call and get an appointment with a new doctor (my old doc was awful). First, I called a doc that my GP recommended and her office couldn't get me in until Oct 27. The girl I talked to kind of gave me attitude and didn't seem like she had a clue as to what I was talking about when I briefly explained about my LP's. I wasn't happy, but I made the app anyways, so at least I had something. My SIL is a PA and when she was doing her rotations, she did her OB/GYN one with another area doctor. She spoke pretty highly of him and my boss actually recommended him, too. So, I called his office, also. It was like night and day compared to the first doc's. The office lady I talked to was really nice and very helpful. She was thorough in getting all of my information and offered to help me transfer over my records from my old doc. She was able to get me in on September 20. I'm going to be seeing an infertility nurse (that sounds scary!) for a consultation and then we'll go from there. I feel good about this and I hope it's a step in the right direction.



Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up. We're 19 months into trying. This is our 12th cycle of actively TTC (5th since the last MC). It was never supposed to have taken this long. I'm starting to think, what's even the point anymore? Even if I do get PG, it's not like I'll be able to keep it. Maybe the app in a few weeks will renew my want to try, but right now, I'm pretty, "meh" about the whole situation.

The one good thing about this weekend was Labor Day. It was a three day weekend, and on Monday I ran my first 5k since my Sr year of XC (9 years ago this fall!). I was nervous leading up to it, but it went really well. My time was 24:56 and I came in 5th in my age division. Admittedly, it was probably the easiest course I've ever ran (all pavement and 80% down hill), but I'll take it! I've gotten so excited about running again that I have plans to run six more races in the coming weekends. They probably won't be all as easy, but now at least I have a time to beat. My personal best back when I ran XC was 23:23. I'd love to be able to run that again!



Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

2 DPO

Ah the 2 ww... So full of hope and promise! Happy thoughts run around in my head, "maybe I'll find out I'm PG in a week or so!", "maybe my little eggie is making it's way down to implant!", "maybe this will be an awesome winter!". I'm trying to not let myself get hyped up... It's so hard!

Let it be.

I decided today that whether I get a BFP or AF at the end of the month, I'm going to call that new doctor and get the ball rolling. I'm just going to plan on getting AF... I'm going to ask about my short LP and possibly cd3 and 7dpo testing. From the looks of it, my LP has gone from 10 days down to 8ish. My last four have been 10, 9, 7, and 10 or 8 (I had conflicting O days last month. I'd like to think 10, but I know it's probably 8). I'm still taking the Vitex, and I know it can take three months to work, but I'm a month and a half in and am not seeing any difference at all yet. I'll stick it out, and continue to take it, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to take up the fight again. It's time to be proactive again and make my concerns heard. I hope with this new doctor that won't be an issue like it was with my old OB. I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it yet, though. I'm just going to ride out this cycle, hope for a BFP, and if not, we'll go from there.

Let it be, let it be...

In other news, KJ and I have been adopting a new active lifestyle, which I'm loving. He's not naturally motivated to exercise like I can be, so I've been trying to get him moving more. We started doing the C25K program together and it's been a lot of fun. We did w2d3 tonight. I've continued to run on my own, too. I signed up to run a 5K on Labor day. This will be my first race since HS (9 years ago, whole crap!) and I'm nervous! It's been my summer goal to get back into 5k's and I feel ready, just nervous.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Love Keeps Us Kind

So, I'm not a huge Linkin Park fan, but KJ likes them and he got their newest CD the other day. I was listening to it with him and I really, really liked the last song on the CD called "The Messenger". It's the perfect song for the moment I'm in right now. It reminded me of the lovely TTCAL ladies, and so, I wanted to share it with you.  Remember to always love...
 
The Messenger
Linkin Park 

When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run

Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

As Usual, God Knows Best

KJ's Grandpa died this morning. He had been in hospice care for a little over a month now. He had been sick for a while even before that, so it was expected, but it's still hard. At least he isn't in pain anymore. He was a kind man who loved to dance and take care of his cats. He asked to be buried in the suit he bought for mine and KJ's wedding. He saved his boutonniere and everything.

My MIL is a retired nurse and she was the one taking care of him. I think it's been a physical relief to her that he's passed, but now she has to deal with all of the after math. Grandpa was KJ's step dad's (MIL's husband) step dad. Step dad is pretty worthless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve mowing grass, so the burnt of all this is falling on her. His whole family is a little screwy, so I'm sure there will be drama over who gets what and how things are to be divided up. But I digress...

Just like last month when my Grandpa died, God really does know best. As disappointed as I was not to get PG this past month, I'm glad I didn't now. I know the stress of being newly PG would have been too much for KJ to deal with right now. I'm glad that we've only had to deal with one loss at a time, rather than being hit with them all at once. Boy, God might have a plan after all!

"If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me. Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Saw Her Today

I saw my friend today who I have been successfully avoiding since Christmas. We were due the same day, but as I'm sure you can guess, unlike mine, her pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby girl. KJ and I were out yard saleing, a weekend hobby of ours, and there was a sale at the house across from hers. She was there, of course, and immediately started gushing about how wonderful the end of her pregnancy was, her labor, and having a new born was. Well, just in case you were wondering, it was amazing, apparently. She also couldn't help but tell me, in full detail, what a beautiful moment it was when she held her daughter for the first time. Oh wait, you really didn't want to know that? Funny, neither did I!

AaaaaHhhhh!!!!!!!

I had been doing so well! Why the eff did this day have to happen??

Then, this evening, KJ and I went to a cook out at his cousin's house. We had gone to their Christmas party this past December, also, and at the time I was blissfully 9w PG. There was another couple at that party with a 6m old. All I could think the whole time was that at Christmas time the next year, that would be us with a 6m old baby. Well, the same couple was at the cookout tonight and she is now 3m PG. She wasn't flaunting it or anything, thank god, but she did mention that she couldn't have any of the alcoholic Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I made. I felt overwhelming jealous of her situation, 2u2 on the way. If I could have kept my first baby, I would have a 6m old by now and maybe even been PG again. That should have been me...

I hate feeling this way...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Cook Outs & Waiting

KJ and I hosted our annual summer cook out this Saturday. It went really well. The food was good. I made fruit kabobs that went over well. We bought a new, bigger grill for this year and it worked out a lot better for KJ to get all the meat cooked up quickly. The food I had other people bring was delish, also. We had a good turn out. Both of our families came and a few neighbors. There were lots of new people this year who hadn't come in previous years. A few of KJ's college buddies made it out and it was really nice to see everyone.

There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!

Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.

But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.

I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!

Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!

"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."

We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!

"God, I loved you so..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Sunny days ahead...

I went to a picnic this weekend. There were two PG ladies, three guy bragging about their PG wives, and at least five toddlers running around. And you know what? I was ok. In fact I was really fine. I even congratulated one of the guys when he told me they were going to find out the sex of their baby next week. It's like I've healed or something! When on Earth did that happen??

"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."

It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.

"You got time, baby take it!"

I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry

A lot has been going on lately. AF came early last Saturday (7/9), so it's on to cycle #3. Honestly, though, with everything that's happened between now and then, I'm glad it wasn't our cycle. The stress of getting PG again would have been too much with everything else. God really does know best.

"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."

That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.

"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."

Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.

"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."

I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.

"I don't want you to cry and weep."

Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.

"I want you to go on living your life."

My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.

"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."

Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...

"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."

The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!

"I'll be with you in your dreams."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I'm setting myself up for disappointment

All I can think about is testing tomorrow and getting a BFP this weekend. I'm so excited that I might find out I'm PG. **might** I'm reading way too much in to all of my "symptoms". I keep pinching my nipple to see if it's still sore. Well yeah, it'll still be sore if I keep pinching it!! Agh! I'm going crazy!

Let me tell you exactly how crazy I am... I've been running every evening and after I get home, I stretch in my back yard. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part, is that after I'm done stretching, I sit in the grass for a good 15 mins looking for four leaf clovers! I think that maybe if I find one, it'll mean that I'm going to get lucky and get PG this cycle and have a St Patty's day baby! Insane!!

I know I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. I know that most likely I will get nothing but BFN's this weekend and start AF right on time on Monday. I keep telling myself that this is only cycle #2. It's going to take a while to get there. There's this concert I'm planning on going to in October and I keep thinking "I'll be 17w at the concert!". I have to keep reminding myself that most likely I will 0w. It's like I have multiple personalities or something! Half the time I'm like,  "omg I'm so KTFU!". The other half of the time, I've stop making plans for myself because I don't want to be disappointed when I'm not _w at _event

I hate this roller coaster. When is it going to be my turn to get off this ride? When will I get to have what so many have?

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

A Letter to My December Baby

My Sweet, Sweet Baby,

Today is our due date and I can't believe it's here already. I still miss you so much. Today I should be meeting you. Today I should be falling in love more and more with you. Today you should have come into my life and and I in to yours. Even though I can't hold you today, I am comforted by the fact that our heavenly Father is holding you now and forever.

When your daddy and I found out about you, I was nervous but excited. I thought, "This will be our baby. This is it!" I was so looking forward to meeting you, and loving you, and sharing everything in life with you. My mind filled with images of what a beautiful little girl I know you would have been. I imagined your sweet smile and beautiful curly hair bouncing as you left for you first day of school. I imagined you gliding down our stairs, dressed up like a princess to go off to your prom. I imagined you as a glowing bride walking down the aisle on your wedding day. I had so many dreams for you.

I was devastated when your Daddy and I found out that you were gone. My world crumbled around me. Every dream that I had for the future vanished with you. Even after the doctor said you had left, you held on to Mommy so tight, and I did everything I could to save you. I didn't want to let you go, even though I knew I had to. "All I could do was love you hard, and let you go."

I think of you and your brother everyday. I miss you terribly, especially today. I am grateful, though, for the time we did have. I am so blessed to have been your Mommy. You will always be in my heart. I miss you.

I love you.
Mommy

The Continuing Mind Fetus Saga

So, I'm totally convinced that I'm going to get KTFU this cycle! I'm 2dpo and since I've O'd, both my nipples are sore. Didn't I tell you my right nipple was sore the last month I got PG... I'm just saying... I'm hopeful!

I know that if it turns out that this is all on my head (which it most likely is) I'll be pretty disappointed. The thing is, though, it feels good to get my hopes up. I like being excited about the future. I have at least a 20% chance that I won't be disappointed. It feels good not to be depressed. I am hopeful.

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your payers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rain will come again."

I have faith in God that He will take care of KJ and me. I know that someday He will bless us and give us a baby. He has taken care of us so well already and I know that He will continue to do so. I do really strive for patience, but sometimes I need to be reminded that "to everything there is a season".

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Ridiculous Mind Fetus and Other Confessions

I've been having some crazy mind fetus this month, and I haven't even O'd yet! I've felt queasy every morning around 11:00am this cycle. So, of course, if I feel sick in the morning, it must be morning sickness, and I must be on my way to being KTFU! Right?! I wish!

Logically, I know that I feel sick because the breakfast I ate at 7am has now been digested and all that's left in my stomach is Women's Energy tea and POM pill remnants. Mmmm, good combo! Plus I've been looking at my computer screen too closely again, so my eyes hurt a lot. But, a headache plus feeling queasy means that I'm clearly PG! Again, never mind that I haven't even O'd yet!

I'm on the verge of beginning one of those silly women who thinks a nosebleed is a sign of being PG! But... During the cycle I got PG the last time, my right nipple was sore the entire month... Defiantly a sign... right??

"Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home."

On a less silly note, a friend of mine who is(was) due on the same day I was (7/7/11), had her baby yesterday. She had a beautiful baby girl... and I didn't. I'm going to tell you something I'm not proud of: I have successfully avoided her since my loss. We're not terribly close friends and, frankly, I just couldn't listen to her go on and on about how wonderful her pregnancy was going. I couldn't let her tell me how perfect her baby was growing. I couldn't look at her and think, "That's how far along I should be. That should be me."

Call me an awful person, call me a bad friend. I deserve it, because I just can't bring myself to be happy for her. I'm not even going to lie and say, "Oh, deep down I'm happy for her, I'm just still sad for myself." No, I'm not happy for her at all. Deep down I feel like she's undeserving. Deep down, it's really ugly down there. I could say, "I wish I was happy for her", but really, I just wish I was never in a position to not be happy for her. Sometimes I look in the mirror and my reflection looks like a stranger's.

"When I look at you, what I always see, is the face of someone else who once belonged to me. Why do you smile her smile?... When I look at you, she is touching me. I could reach for her, but who can hold a memory?... Oh, you were once that someone who I followed like a star. Then suddenly you changed, and now I don't know who you are... Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me. And now remembering is all that I can do, because I miss her so, when I look at you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Making a Move

I have officially moved blog homes! I didn't realize just how public my blog on The Bump was. From the looks of it, hardly anyone has blogs (public at least) on there. So when I would show up on the "recently updated blog" list, my most resent post would sit there for days sometimes. I started getting really stupid comments on my posts and it was making me angry. Some people just don't get it. I don't mind sharing my thoughts, but I guess it has to be with people who I know will be understanding. Like the ladies on TTCAL or other ladies who have had a loss (since that's mostly what the subject matter here is). So, I have made the move to here. I feel like I can control my privacy better... hopefully.


"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Bitches need to be staying away from my Blog...

Preface: the comments mentioned in this rant were made on another site that I had my blog posted on. I have since moved!

****Warning: vent approaching!!****

Ok, so I realize this is a public blog on a public site... I get that. However, if I don't know you, have never talked to you, have no clue who you are... Why the hell are you commenting on my blog posts??? Your comments are NOT helpful!! They make me angry!!

So, for some crazy reason I had three comments on my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I have never talked to these women, have no clue who they are, and have no idea how all of a sudden the three of them found my blog at the same time. I can only imagine I was on one of those silly "connect with this Bumpie" lists.

I deleted the comments because I couldn't stand to look at them. I am trying my hardest to keep in mind that these women meant well, they just were severely miss guided. They all basically said "Just relax, it will happen for you! Ps I just found out I'm KTFU with my first (squeak!)" I would just like to say, eff all of you... Had these silly women read any of my other posts, perhaps they would have realized that... It already did happen for me. I already got PG, not once, but twice! But, MY BABIES DIED. So, don't give me this puppies and rainbows sh!t about "just relax" and "everything happens in it's own time". I sincerely hope you ladies never feel the pain of having your unborn baby's life ripped from you. We'll see how relaxed you are if, God forbid, that ever happens...

So, let me clarify my "Shoot Me in the Face" post. I am not upset that my co-worker's wife is PG. I am not upset at how easy it was for them to get PG. It dose upset me, though, that he is announcing it at 6w. 6w is nothing! I made it to 6w, and past it; my baby still died.

Let me also put a PSA out there. Saying things like "Just relax, it will happen for you" or "It just takes time" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "It's all in God's plan" are NOT helpful. They are hurtful. Please never say these things to me, any women who is struggling to get PG, or to a woman who has had a loss. In fact, let's just stay on the safe side, and never say these things to anyone... ever.

So, if you made it through all of that and merely think that I'm bitter and jaded (two things I fully admit to being), I do welcome your comments. If you have something that is helpful, not hurtful, to say, please say it. If you have advice that is , again, helpful, not hurtful, then please share it. But if all you want to do is spread your naive FH-ishness around, please keep your puppies and rainbows to yourself. There is no room for those things in the land of the "have lost".

Vent over. I'm going to Let it Be...


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Cd1- On to Cycle #2 Post MC

Well, this month was a bust. I was really hopeful at the beginning, but once my temp dropped yesterday, I knew AF would show up shortly. Also, I'm back to my 9 day LP. I need to find a way to get an appointment with that new doctor. She won't see me just to chat, but I really feel like there's something going on with me. Everything I've read says that 10 days and bellow isn't good. It's probably because I'm PMS'ing but I'm really grumpy about it today and I'm pissed off that no one will talk to me about it. I'm so tired, I just want to go back to bed.

This next month will be the last one where we could get PG and be able to announce it at ALF. Every year DH and I, and all of our old college friends go back to Clarion for homecoming and the Autumn Leaf Festival. Since we started trying I have been looking forward to having a bump at ALF, and later taking our babies to show off to all of our friends and old professors. If I got PG this cycle I would be 16w then. I wouldn't have a huge bump, but it would be something, and we would have a 6mo old for the following year. I am hopeful...

If I don't get PG this cycle, but do the next, I would only be 12w at ALF. That seems like it would still be too close to the high risk 1st tri to announce comfortably. This past time, we told some close friends at 10w and I still really regret it. I don't think I'll really be comfortable telling anyone until, like, 20+w. Maybe after we find out the sex, I'll be able to relax... When ever that happens.

As bummed as I am about cd1, I'm still very grateful that we can try at all. I keep thinking back to the four months of hell, and it makes me very thankful that I have my cycle back and we are able to actively TTC. This is cycle #2 post MC, cycle #9 overall.

"Tomorrow we can follow through with all that we've begun. Tomorrow we'll be free, my love. We'll never be afraid."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Somebody Just Shoot Me In The Face...

Yet another co-worker announced to the world today that his wife is 6w PG with their honeymoon baby. Then, of course Loudmouth McKnowitall, who sits beside me, talks for a half hour straight about dippers, formula, doc apps, insurance, and everything else remotely related. I effing hate people!!!

I was doing really well lately, too. Staying calm, staying happy and mostly up-beat, staying hopeful. Then, I heard that and I wanted to scream. Now I'm sad. Now I feel like it will never happen; the unattainable dream...


"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."


"Take these sunken eyes and learn to see... Black bird fly"

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

First 2ww

So, I'm in my first two week wait since October. Well, really it's a ten day wait for me. I'm 4dpo today. Next Tuesday (6/14) I'll either get AF or a BFP. I'm hopeful.

"In a little while surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this heart will hurt no more."

I've been shaking off my best stress busters: running, music, and my new fave, tea. (as usual, I'll work my way backwards!) I'm in love with Yogi teas! From AF-O I drank Women's Energy with this Chinese herb, dong quai, that's supposed to help regulate my cycle. However, it says on the package not to drink it while PG... So, none for me in the 2ww! Then, all month I've been drinking Raspberry Leaf tea, which is supposed to help "tone" my uterus and make it nice and healthy for baby carrying. Tonight I'm going to try this new tea sample I got, Relaxed Mind. It's supposed to be calming and relaxing. If I like it, I think I'm going to stock up. I might drink it in the afternoon since that's normally when I feel most anxious.

"Ooo...Slow down my beating heart... Slowly, slowly love.."


"It's been a little while..."

This is my new fave running song, a resent Hanson discovery:
"Won't you watch me bleed rock and roll razor blade"
It has an awesome beat that's perfect to run to. I've discovered quite a few random Hanson songs lately, and I'm loving it! Sometimes I feel like a bad fan, for the fact that I didn't already know about all of these unreleased songs. I'm so behind! I should have been a fan club member all along... Don't tell anyone, but I'm saving up for a year's membership!

So, the 5k I mentioned before didn't happen. I'm just not up to par yet. I've been running 2.5m a day and will work my way back up to the true long distance. If I don't get PG, by the end of the summer I'd like to be back to running 10m once a week, with 4-5m on the other days. Then again, there's a big part of me that really hopes I don't get to that point! Like I said, I'm hopeful...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Day Sunshine

I guess I haven't written in a while (or that's what it seems like, anyways). Probably because I haven't been feeling down lately! I've been feeling really good and really hopeful. So much has happened, but it's been mostly really great. I guess I'll start with the most resent and work my way back.


"Today is never too late to be bran new"

The weather was beautiful this weekend! After what seemed like months of nothing but rain, we finally had some sun. KJ and I were able to get a lot done in the yard. There's still more to do, but at least we've made progress. I really hope it's nice next weekend, too, (memorial day) so we can get some of the big things done. We have a "cabaña" (a patio with a roof over it) that has outdoor carpet on it currently and it's gotten really gross. We want to pull that up, power wash the concrete under it, and re-paint it a tan-ish color. We also have to power wash the deck and re-stain it, same with the pool deck. So much to do...

Sunday we went to church and had a much better experience than last time. In the bulletin there was a flyer for the next town over's Memorial Day events. They are having a fun run 5k. When KJ saw it he got really excited and was like, "You should totally do this!!" It's only a week away and he wants me to run a 5k! Yikes! I've been running on and off for months, but not steadily and not long distance. I told him I would give it my best shot, though. I went to the park where I could map out 3.2 miles. I tried, but I could make it the whole way running. I felt like such a fail. I'm going to try again tonight and hopefully I'll make it further. We'll see...

Friday, May 20 was Tucker's 2nd birthday. I can't believe he's two already! He is such a good dog and I love him to death.

My work has a program where it will cover a cretin percentage of medical bills on top of what insurance covers. I got two big checks on Monday and Friday of last week. They were for all of the B/W, the U/S, the chest x-ray, and a few of the tests I had done last month. It's such a relief to have the money now to pay these bills. They were really starting to pile up there for a while. God has really taken care of us!

Monday started out really good. I got my first AF since September!! I was so excited! FINALLY time to TTC! Then, I had my F/U appointment, and we all know how well that went. As I said before, we will not be waiting yet another cycle. I'm not going to let that douchebag get me down any more. I need to be hopeful. I need to be able to try again. We're planning on starting FWP on Thursday. Can't wait!

"It's simple, but some how letting go is the hardest part."

Last Sunday, May 15 we picked up our new furbaby, Colby-Jack. He's such a cutie! We've had him for a little over a week now, and I'm completely in love. He's not quite there with the potty training, but he starting to pick somethings up. He can sit and is starting to recognize his name. He's so different than Tucker was at that age. Tucker was a huge chewer and chased the cats a lot, but he caught on to the potty training really quickly and was super focused. Colby has really only been chewing on the toys and hasn't had much interest in the cats, but he's had a number of accidents and gets distracted pretty easily.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Carry You There

"I'll be waiting to carry you there..."

Today was my follow up app from my D&C. The only good news is that I never have to see my doctor again! I am free to switch doctors as I please now. I took my charts in for him to look at. Basically what it boiled down to was that my year+ of charting really doesn't have much weight now that I've had the D&C. I understand that your cycle can change after, but even this month I still had a 10 day LP, like normal. He said that he's not going to worry about it until it happens the next two cycles. I feel like that's all he ever tells me! "Let's wait and see what happens."

"And I waited for you... Run, run, runway. Maybe some day I will find someone, too..."

He said that he wouldn't refer me to a RE (even though I didn't ask to be) until a few more cycles. He did give me the name of the one in the area to call if I want, "because you seem so impatient." That really ticked me off. I guess I was being a little pushy with my charts, but I'm not impatient. I'm just not willing to sit around another four months for him to decide to do something. I'm just trying to be proactive.

Also, at one point he said I have one more cycle until we're "good to go." I just gave him a look and said, "that's not what you said before!" Then he told me that what he really meant when he said to wait one cycle, was to wait one cycle after my first AF. Bull effing sh!t! Yeah, sorry doc, I will not be waiting yet another cycle.

By the end of the of the appointment, I was pretty annoyed. He tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Maybe one of these days we'll get you to smile!" All I could say was, "Well maybe one of these days you'll give me some good news!" I really don't care that it was a rude thing to say.

"I don't care what you say. I don't have use for your words anyway."

After I got out of there I was so upset. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do something that hurt. I just started driving. I ended up at a near by park that has a walking trail, and I ran...

"It's alright. It can get too much to handle by yourself. But if you can't do it alone I know you will say, 'I don't know what's at stake, or what it takes'... I'll be waiting with my bare back, to care you there."

I ran as fast as I could for a while and then slowed down to a steady pace. It hurt, but it felt so good. I really need to get rid of all the adrenaline that had built up during the appointment, I hate confrontation. I needed the catharsis. I'm defiantly going to be running more often.

"I'll be waiting to carry you there"

I don't think I want to call the RE, I just want a doctor who takes my concerns seriously. I want one that I actually like seeing and that I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack every time I have to go in. I think what I'm going to do is make an app with my GP. I like her and trust her, and I'm over due for my annual anyway. Hopefully she can recommend a nice OB.

"It's simple, but some how, letting go's the hardest part."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Positive Things Happen to Positive People

I need to start making a conscious effort to be happier. Yesterday DH and I got into a pretty big fight. We went to church in the morning. It was the first time we've gone since Christmas eve. I haven't wanted to go and DH hasn't pushed to go, so we just haven't. There's a church softball team that he played on last year, though, and he wanted to play again this year. You have to be a "regular attender" to be eligible so we went mainly for that.

There was going to be a baby detection at the service and, honestly I thought I would be fine. I've seen them lots of times before, and there usually nothing to them. I defiantly wasn't expecting for them to show a slide show of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen with Phil Collins "You'll be in My Heart" playing under it. I tried to not look at the pictures. I put my head down and tried to focus on my program. I tried to go into my own little world and block the song out, but I couldn't. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They streamed down my face. I told DH I couldn't stay, and I got up and left. He followed me out and we went home. I told him I was sorry for leaving like that and he got mad. He said he was embarrassed running out like that and that he doesn't want me to fall apart every time I see a baby.

We don't fight very often, and I really hate it when we do. We made up that night, so everything is ok now, but he really wants me to talk to someone about my sad feelings, and I really don't. DH is a very open person. He's very chatty and very much an open book. I am not. I like to keep things to myself and I don't like a lot of other people knowing my business. To him, talking about it is the thing to do, but to me it's the last thing I want to do. I mean, I have talked about my losses to him and the the bump ladies and I've blogged about it, but to him that apparently doesn't count. It's like he thinks, if I spill my guts to someone I'll all of a sudden get over everything and be happy-go-lucky Holly again. I feel like he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think I'll ever be "over it". The truth is I don't want to be over it.

"I'm not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end."

Anyways so, I thought if I start making a conscious effort to act happier DH would drop the whole "you need to talk to someone or else" thing. I know he's just trying to help, but as I said, we are two different people.


"Here comes sun, here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. The smiles returning the the faces, It seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

My Follow-up Appointment

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Yesterday was my f/u appointment for the u/s I had on Friday. My doctor said the lining in my uterus looked a little thick and wants me to have a D&C to take it out. Hopefully after that my cycles will return to normal.

I'm really hurt and angry that he made me wait this long to have it done. This should have been done shortly after we found out about the BO. Four months. If I had had this done back then, I would have gotten AF by now, we could have been TTC by now, I could have been pg again by now. I feel like he stole this time from me. I'm never going to get these months back. They are lost and waisted. I feel like I've lost my baby all over again.

I posted about my f/u on the TTCAL board last night. The support those ladies give is amazingly overwhelming. They are so wonderful and I am blessed to be a part of their group. They understand when no one else does.

"Did you think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be?... Don't we get to be happy, Kathy? At some point down the line don't we get to relax?"

So, the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning (4/21). I just want this to be over

"I could never rescue you, no matter how I tried. All I could do was love you hard and let you go... I will be waiting. I will keep waiting for you."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

The Last 99 Days

Cd 99. That's today. I was really hoping I wouldn't get here. 99 days is how long I was PG for before the MC started and 99 days is how long I've been waiting to move on.

The last 99 days have been hard, to say the least. I feel like my body is broken. Sometimes I feel like my life is not my own. If I had known at the beginning of the first 99 days that this is where I'd be 198 days later, I honestly don't think I would have wanted to TTC that month. This has been the worst experience of my life.

"I don't want to be here any more"

I don't want to feel this way any more! I don't want to be sad and stuck. I want to be hopeful and able to move on. I need closure!

"I just want to feel ok again"

So, that u/s I was supposed to have on Monday was rescheduled for today. The tech called in sick. I was nervous before, but now I just want to get it over with. I have b/w today, too. I took a HPT yesterday and it was still faint +, so I know I won't be at 0. At the f/u appointment this coming Monday, I'm really going to push for Provera. I need to have AF come, I need to start again. If I don't get any closure, I am going to seriously consider switching doctors. It's completely ridiculous that I've had to wait 99 days for my doctor to take any action. I'm not satisfied with the level of care I'm receiving.

I don't know if I really mean that. I'm probably just saying because I'm angry and hurt. The truth is they're really nice there, I'm just mad at my body.

"I am on my own journey and my journey is my own"

While doing the b/w today, the tech told me I have an outstanding balance of $86.68. Well, this is the 17th time I've gone. At $21.63 each time that's $367.71 total. Not to mention the $250 worth of b/w they did at my first app back in November. So, only owing $86 out of $617.71, I think I'm actually doing really well! That's almost an entire paychecks worth of b/w!! omg... I think I felt better before actually figuring it out... I wonder how much the u/s is going to cost...

"Black bird fly"

"You can plan for a change in the weather and time. I never planned on you changing your mind."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

April, Please be Kind

"Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I got some not so good news from the doctor today. They never called me last week with my B/W results, so I called them today. They said even though I have been dropping, it's been all together too slowly. They want me to go in to the Woman's Care Center next Monday the 11th for an ultrasound to see what the eff is going on in there. Then I have to go in for a F/U appointment the following Monday the 18.

"There will be an answer, let it be"

I'm really nervous about all of this, especially going back into the office. I haven't been there since we found out we lost the baby. Last May right after my first MC, I went into the office for, literally, three minuets and had a panic attack. I just stared at all the obviously PG ladies who all had healthy babies, and I lost it. I wanted to throw up and pass out at the same time. It was bad, and I don't want a repeat event. I really hope at the end of all this I have some actual answers and not just told to wait some more. I have to be my own advocate. I have to be forward and un-shy.

"No one lives to change your fate, you'll have to do it for yourself"

I'm worried that the doctor will say something terrible is wrong with me. I'm worried that he'll say I have to have a D&C or that we have to wait some more before TTCing. Why did it have to come to this? Why couldn't my body have just been normal and regulated itself?

"I just want feel ok again"

So, please dear April, be kind to me. Please let this be a good month. I don't think I can take many more bad ones.

"Black bird fly..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Have a Plan

I finally got up the courage to ask my doc about my short LP. I talked to the NP and told her how I had been charting and that my LP was 9-10 days and that I O'd on cd20. She really didn't seem concerned at first and said that length of the different phases really didn't matter. I was a little shocked at that because that's the opposite of everything I've ever read or heard. Normally I would have left it at that, but I said to myself, I have to be my own advocate, I can't just walk away, I need an answer, don't be a push over, Holly. So, I told her how I had had two MCs and asked if it might have had anything to do with causing them. She said that its possible and explained about progesterone (which I already knew, of course). Then she gave me the plan: as soon as I get a BFP I need to call in and have them run a blood test and a progesterone check.

I cannot tell you how good having a plan makes me feel! I feel truly hopeful for the first time in months. I feel like next time I won't just be sitting around hoping it won't happen again. I'll be doing something proactive to help my baby. The next time I get PG I have a better chance of getting my take home baby!

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Three Months

It's been three months since we found out we lost the baby. I can't believe it's been that long. Some days it still feels so fresh and other days it seems like it happened years ago. Three months, three days, three years... It all feels the same.

It's been three months and I am still no closer to trying again then I was that day. My levels are still not at 0 and I still have not gotten AF. I am on cd 69, how ridiculous! How much longer am I going to have to wait? I'm hoping only another month. From the look of things, I can count out 2011 for a birth year. To have my EDD on December 31, 2011, I would have to O on April 9, which means I would have to get AF on March 21. I don't see that happening.

This isn't how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to have already had a baby in 2010. Then I was going to have my second in 2012. That was the plan.

Oh... it still feels fresh.

DH and I have finally set our "babymoon" plans in stone. I was worried about the money for a while, but he talked me into it in the end. We both need a brake from life. We've pretty much been broke since we got married, which was 3 1/2 years ago. For the first time since then we finally have some money in bank, but I'm scared to spend it. I'm afraid something else is going to come up, we'll get behind on the bills again, and we'll have collectors breathing down our necks, again.

We are planning to go to Virginia Beach for our birthdays in May. DH is very optimistic about our trip, and I know he's being up beat for me. I've been so down the past three months. He says that this will be our new start to TTC. He's confident that we'll be able to try by then. I used to be confident that we'd be able to try by now... I hope he's right. I could really use a new start.

We're planning on driving down and spending three days and nights at a beach front hotel. Our room will have an ocean view. On the fourth day we are going to Busch Gardens and we'll spend the night in random city, VA. Day five will be driving home. I am looking froward to it.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe