The Man I Can't Forgive

Sometimes I run though it all in my head again. My whole journey. I start out with the basics and then in this conversation I have in my head I go into greater and greater detail. My emotions start to swell up and I live through everything all over again in fast forward. I always seem to get stuck on my 4 month limbo-falling-beta time and how awful of a doctor I had then. I get angry and feel hateful towards him all over again. I remember conversations we had and all the things I should have said to him but didn't. And then I get to the part after my D&C and I'm trying to ask about IF testing, and he flat out says to me, "I'm not going to recommend testing or give you a RE referral until you've had a third MC." And then it hits me all over again... Had I stayed with him, my third baby... My sweet Lexi Grace, wouldn't be here. I would have lost her just like my first two babies. He would have let her die.

And then I cry.

That doctor no longer practices in the area, so there's no chance of randomly running into him and telling him what I think of him (not that I would have the words in the moment anyways). I imagine it, though. I would point to Lexi and say to him, "Look at her. Look at this perfect, sweet, kind little girl. She is the baby you refused to help. She is the baby you would have let die. Take a good look at her." And then in that moment, looking at my beautiful daughter, he would realize how awful of a doctor he's been, mend his ways, and treat his loss patients with a new found compassion. It sounds nice, and very vindicating, but I know it will never happen.

I'm usually a pretty forgiving person. I can look past a lot and forget many mistakes, unkind words, and hurtful things. Even my HS boyfriend who ripped my heart out and then rubbed my face in it, I managed to forgive him in time. But this... There are just somethings that are unforgivable. I don't blame him for my loss, but I do blame him for the terrible decisions he made regarding it. He was my doctor and I trusted him to guide me in the right direction. How wrong, how wrong.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe