I saw my friend today who I have been successfully avoiding since Christmas. We were due the same day, but as I'm sure you can guess, unlike mine, her pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby girl. KJ and I were out yard saleing, a weekend hobby of ours, and there was a sale at the house across from hers. She was there, of course, and immediately started gushing about how wonderful the end of her pregnancy was, her labor, and having a new born was. Well, just in case you were wondering, it was amazing, apparently. She also couldn't help but tell me, in full detail, what a beautiful moment it was when she held her daughter for the first time. Oh wait, you really didn't want to know that? Funny, neither did I!
AaaaaHhhhh!!!!!!!
I had been doing so well! Why the eff did this day have to happen??
Then, this evening, KJ and I went to a cook out at his cousin's house. We had gone to their Christmas party this past December, also, and at the time I was blissfully 9w PG. There was another couple at that party with a 6m old. All I could think the whole time was that at Christmas time the next year, that would be us with a 6m old baby. Well, the same couple was at the cookout tonight and she is now 3m PG. She wasn't flaunting it or anything, thank god, but she did mention that she couldn't have any of the alcoholic Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I made. I felt overwhelming jealous of her situation, 2u2 on the way. If I could have kept my first baby, I would have a 6m old by now and maybe even been PG again. That should have been me...
I hate feeling this way...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Cook Outs & Waiting
KJ and I hosted our annual summer cook out this Saturday. It went really well. The food was good. I made fruit kabobs that went over well. We bought a new, bigger grill for this year and it worked out a lot better for KJ to get all the meat cooked up quickly. The food I had other people bring was delish, also. We had a good turn out. Both of our families came and a few neighbors. There were lots of new people this year who hadn't come in previous years. A few of KJ's college buddies made it out and it was really nice to see everyone.
There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!
Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.
But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.
I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!
Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!
"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."
We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!
"God, I loved you so..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!
Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.
But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.
I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!
Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!
"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."
We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!
"God, I loved you so..."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunny days ahead...
I went to a picnic this weekend. There were two PG ladies, three guy bragging about their PG wives, and at least five toddlers running around. And you know what? I was ok. In fact I was really fine. I even congratulated one of the guys when he told me they were going to find out the sex of their baby next week. It's like I've healed or something! When on Earth did that happen??
"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."
It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.
"You got time, baby take it!"
I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."
It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.
"You got time, baby take it!"
I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry
A lot has been going on lately. AF came early last Saturday (7/9), so it's on to cycle #3. Honestly, though, with everything that's happened between now and then, I'm glad it wasn't our cycle. The stress of getting PG again would have been too much with everything else. God really does know best.
"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."
That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.
"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."
Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.
"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.
"I don't want you to cry and weep."
Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.
"I want you to go on living your life."
My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.
"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."
Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...
"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."
The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!
"I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."
That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.
"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."
Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.
"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."
I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.
"I don't want you to cry and weep."
Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.
"I want you to go on living your life."
My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.
"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."
Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...
"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."
The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!
"I'll be with you in your dreams."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm setting myself up for disappointment
All I can think about is testing tomorrow and getting a BFP this weekend. I'm so excited that I might find out I'm PG. **might** I'm reading way too much in to all of my "symptoms". I keep pinching my nipple to see if it's still sore. Well yeah, it'll still be sore if I keep pinching it!! Agh! I'm going crazy!
Let me tell you exactly how crazy I am... I've been running every evening and after I get home, I stretch in my back yard. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part, is that after I'm done stretching, I sit in the grass for a good 15 mins looking for four leaf clovers! I think that maybe if I find one, it'll mean that I'm going to get lucky and get PG this cycle and have a St Patty's day baby! Insane!!
I know I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. I know that most likely I will get nothing but BFN's this weekend and start AF right on time on Monday. I keep telling myself that this is only cycle #2. It's going to take a while to get there. There's this concert I'm planning on going to in October and I keep thinking "I'll be 17w at the concert!". I have to keep reminding myself that most likely I will 0w. It's like I have multiple personalities or something! Half the time I'm like, "omg I'm so KTFU!". The other half of the time, I've stop making plans for myself because I don't want to be disappointed when I'm not _w at _event
I hate this roller coaster. When is it going to be my turn to get off this ride? When will I get to have what so many have?
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Let me tell you exactly how crazy I am... I've been running every evening and after I get home, I stretch in my back yard. That's not the crazy part. The crazy part, is that after I'm done stretching, I sit in the grass for a good 15 mins looking for four leaf clovers! I think that maybe if I find one, it'll mean that I'm going to get lucky and get PG this cycle and have a St Patty's day baby! Insane!!
I know I'm setting myself up for a major disappointment. I know that most likely I will get nothing but BFN's this weekend and start AF right on time on Monday. I keep telling myself that this is only cycle #2. It's going to take a while to get there. There's this concert I'm planning on going to in October and I keep thinking "I'll be 17w at the concert!". I have to keep reminding myself that most likely I will 0w. It's like I have multiple personalities or something! Half the time I'm like, "omg I'm so KTFU!". The other half of the time, I've stop making plans for myself because I don't want to be disappointed when I'm not _w at _event
I hate this roller coaster. When is it going to be my turn to get off this ride? When will I get to have what so many have?
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Letter to My December Baby
My Sweet, Sweet Baby,
Today is our due date and I can't believe it's here already. I still miss you so much. Today I should be meeting you. Today I should be falling in love more and more with you. Today you should have come into my life and and I in to yours. Even though I can't hold you today, I am comforted by the fact that our heavenly Father is holding you now and forever.
When your daddy and I found out about you, I was nervous but excited. I thought, "This will be our baby. This is it!" I was so looking forward to meeting you, and loving you, and sharing everything in life with you. My mind filled with images of what a beautiful little girl I know you would have been. I imagined your sweet smile and beautiful curly hair bouncing as you left for you first day of school. I imagined you gliding down our stairs, dressed up like a princess to go off to your prom. I imagined you as a glowing bride walking down the aisle on your wedding day. I had so many dreams for you.
I was devastated when your Daddy and I found out that you were gone. My world crumbled around me. Every dream that I had for the future vanished with you. Even after the doctor said you had left, you held on to Mommy so tight, and I did everything I could to save you. I didn't want to let you go, even though I knew I had to. "All I could do was love you hard, and let you go."
I think of you and your brother everyday. I miss you terribly, especially today. I am grateful, though, for the time we did have. I am so blessed to have been your Mommy. You will always be in my heart. I miss you.
I love you.
Mommy
Today is our due date and I can't believe it's here already. I still miss you so much. Today I should be meeting you. Today I should be falling in love more and more with you. Today you should have come into my life and and I in to yours. Even though I can't hold you today, I am comforted by the fact that our heavenly Father is holding you now and forever.
When your daddy and I found out about you, I was nervous but excited. I thought, "This will be our baby. This is it!" I was so looking forward to meeting you, and loving you, and sharing everything in life with you. My mind filled with images of what a beautiful little girl I know you would have been. I imagined your sweet smile and beautiful curly hair bouncing as you left for you first day of school. I imagined you gliding down our stairs, dressed up like a princess to go off to your prom. I imagined you as a glowing bride walking down the aisle on your wedding day. I had so many dreams for you.
I was devastated when your Daddy and I found out that you were gone. My world crumbled around me. Every dream that I had for the future vanished with you. Even after the doctor said you had left, you held on to Mommy so tight, and I did everything I could to save you. I didn't want to let you go, even though I knew I had to. "All I could do was love you hard, and let you go."
I think of you and your brother everyday. I miss you terribly, especially today. I am grateful, though, for the time we did have. I am so blessed to have been your Mommy. You will always be in my heart. I miss you.
I love you.
Mommy
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Continuing Mind Fetus Saga
So, I'm totally convinced that I'm going to get KTFU this cycle! I'm 2dpo and since I've O'd, both my nipples are sore. Didn't I tell you my right nipple was sore the last month I got PG... I'm just saying... I'm hopeful!
I know that if it turns out that this is all on my head (which it most likely is) I'll be pretty disappointed. The thing is, though, it feels good to get my hopes up. I like being excited about the future. I have at least a 20% chance that I won't be disappointed. It feels good not to be depressed. I am hopeful.
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your payers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rain will come again."
I have faith in God that He will take care of KJ and me. I know that someday He will bless us and give us a baby. He has taken care of us so well already and I know that He will continue to do so. I do really strive for patience, but sometimes I need to be reminded that "to everything there is a season".
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
I know that if it turns out that this is all on my head (which it most likely is) I'll be pretty disappointed. The thing is, though, it feels good to get my hopes up. I like being excited about the future. I have at least a 20% chance that I won't be disappointed. It feels good not to be depressed. I am hopeful.
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your payers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rain will come again."
I have faith in God that He will take care of KJ and me. I know that someday He will bless us and give us a baby. He has taken care of us so well already and I know that He will continue to do so. I do really strive for patience, but sometimes I need to be reminded that "to everything there is a season".
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate. A time of war, and a time of peace."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
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