Running for Fun!

"Maybe. It's a vicious little word that could slay me."

I ran in the Saxonburg Arts Festival 5k this weekend. It was a much harder course than last weekend, but went pretty well. I improved my time from last week and that's really my main goal when racing. My official time was 23:45, but the photo evidence begs to differ. KJ took a picture of me crossing the finish line and you can clearly see the clock at 23:52.



Even still, it was a whole minuet faster than last week. Placing wise, I did much better than I though I would. 61st over all, 12th over all female, and 1st in the 25-29 year old females. I won a medal and everything! There wasn't a lot of competition (only three other girls in my age bracket), but I was still pretty proud of my self.



Next up this weekend is the Peanut Butter Festival 5K on Saturday and the Sharon PD Five-O 5K on Sunday. I've never been to the PB festival, but I think it's pretty amusing they have a whole celebration just for peanut butter. I bet poor jelly feels a little left out!

"Someday. Say it's coming soon."

BT-Dubs, I'm loving Sara Bareilles' CD "Kaleidoscope Heart"

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

6 Day LP and Other Downers

Every month I feel more and more like I'm being left behind. Every few weeks there's a BFP wave on TTCAL, and as usual I get stuck in the undertow. I'm happy for each and every lady who gets to graduate, I just wish I could move on with them. The ladies who came onto the board about the same time I did (back in Feb) have dwindled to only about a handful. I'm a few months shy of becoming an official TTCAL oldie, something I never wanted to be. If I don't get PG this cycle, next month will be one year since my BFP cycle. I never thought it would take this long to get PG again.



AF came way early for me this weekend giving me a 6 day LP. That was my shortest yet. As I said before, I decided to call and get an appointment with a new doctor (my old doc was awful). First, I called a doc that my GP recommended and her office couldn't get me in until Oct 27. The girl I talked to kind of gave me attitude and didn't seem like she had a clue as to what I was talking about when I briefly explained about my LP's. I wasn't happy, but I made the app anyways, so at least I had something. My SIL is a PA and when she was doing her rotations, she did her OB/GYN one with another area doctor. She spoke pretty highly of him and my boss actually recommended him, too. So, I called his office, also. It was like night and day compared to the first doc's. The office lady I talked to was really nice and very helpful. She was thorough in getting all of my information and offered to help me transfer over my records from my old doc. She was able to get me in on September 20. I'm going to be seeing an infertility nurse (that sounds scary!) for a consultation and then we'll go from there. I feel good about this and I hope it's a step in the right direction.



Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up. We're 19 months into trying. This is our 12th cycle of actively TTC (5th since the last MC). It was never supposed to have taken this long. I'm starting to think, what's even the point anymore? Even if I do get PG, it's not like I'll be able to keep it. Maybe the app in a few weeks will renew my want to try, but right now, I'm pretty, "meh" about the whole situation.

The one good thing about this weekend was Labor Day. It was a three day weekend, and on Monday I ran my first 5k since my Sr year of XC (9 years ago this fall!). I was nervous leading up to it, but it went really well. My time was 24:56 and I came in 5th in my age division. Admittedly, it was probably the easiest course I've ever ran (all pavement and 80% down hill), but I'll take it! I've gotten so excited about running again that I have plans to run six more races in the coming weekends. They probably won't be all as easy, but now at least I have a time to beat. My personal best back when I ran XC was 23:23. I'd love to be able to run that again!



Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

2 DPO

Ah the 2 ww... So full of hope and promise! Happy thoughts run around in my head, "maybe I'll find out I'm PG in a week or so!", "maybe my little eggie is making it's way down to implant!", "maybe this will be an awesome winter!". I'm trying to not let myself get hyped up... It's so hard!

Let it be.

I decided today that whether I get a BFP or AF at the end of the month, I'm going to call that new doctor and get the ball rolling. I'm just going to plan on getting AF... I'm going to ask about my short LP and possibly cd3 and 7dpo testing. From the looks of it, my LP has gone from 10 days down to 8ish. My last four have been 10, 9, 7, and 10 or 8 (I had conflicting O days last month. I'd like to think 10, but I know it's probably 8). I'm still taking the Vitex, and I know it can take three months to work, but I'm a month and a half in and am not seeing any difference at all yet. I'll stick it out, and continue to take it, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to take up the fight again. It's time to be proactive again and make my concerns heard. I hope with this new doctor that won't be an issue like it was with my old OB. I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it yet, though. I'm just going to ride out this cycle, hope for a BFP, and if not, we'll go from there.

Let it be, let it be...

In other news, KJ and I have been adopting a new active lifestyle, which I'm loving. He's not naturally motivated to exercise like I can be, so I've been trying to get him moving more. We started doing the C25K program together and it's been a lot of fun. We did w2d3 tonight. I've continued to run on my own, too. I signed up to run a 5K on Labor day. This will be my first race since HS (9 years ago, whole crap!) and I'm nervous! It's been my summer goal to get back into 5k's and I feel ready, just nervous.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Love Keeps Us Kind

So, I'm not a huge Linkin Park fan, but KJ likes them and he got their newest CD the other day. I was listening to it with him and I really, really liked the last song on the CD called "The Messenger". It's the perfect song for the moment I'm in right now. It reminded me of the lovely TTCAL ladies, and so, I wanted to share it with you.  Remember to always love...
 
The Messenger
Linkin Park 

When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run

Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

As Usual, God Knows Best

KJ's Grandpa died this morning. He had been in hospice care for a little over a month now. He had been sick for a while even before that, so it was expected, but it's still hard. At least he isn't in pain anymore. He was a kind man who loved to dance and take care of his cats. He asked to be buried in the suit he bought for mine and KJ's wedding. He saved his boutonniere and everything.

My MIL is a retired nurse and she was the one taking care of him. I think it's been a physical relief to her that he's passed, but now she has to deal with all of the after math. Grandpa was KJ's step dad's (MIL's husband) step dad. Step dad is pretty worthless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve mowing grass, so the burnt of all this is falling on her. His whole family is a little screwy, so I'm sure there will be drama over who gets what and how things are to be divided up. But I digress...

Just like last month when my Grandpa died, God really does know best. As disappointed as I was not to get PG this past month, I'm glad I didn't now. I know the stress of being newly PG would have been too much for KJ to deal with right now. I'm glad that we've only had to deal with one loss at a time, rather than being hit with them all at once. Boy, God might have a plan after all!

"If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me. Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Saw Her Today

I saw my friend today who I have been successfully avoiding since Christmas. We were due the same day, but as I'm sure you can guess, unlike mine, her pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby girl. KJ and I were out yard saleing, a weekend hobby of ours, and there was a sale at the house across from hers. She was there, of course, and immediately started gushing about how wonderful the end of her pregnancy was, her labor, and having a new born was. Well, just in case you were wondering, it was amazing, apparently. She also couldn't help but tell me, in full detail, what a beautiful moment it was when she held her daughter for the first time. Oh wait, you really didn't want to know that? Funny, neither did I!

AaaaaHhhhh!!!!!!!

I had been doing so well! Why the eff did this day have to happen??

Then, this evening, KJ and I went to a cook out at his cousin's house. We had gone to their Christmas party this past December, also, and at the time I was blissfully 9w PG. There was another couple at that party with a 6m old. All I could think the whole time was that at Christmas time the next year, that would be us with a 6m old baby. Well, the same couple was at the cookout tonight and she is now 3m PG. She wasn't flaunting it or anything, thank god, but she did mention that she couldn't have any of the alcoholic Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I made. I felt overwhelming jealous of her situation, 2u2 on the way. If I could have kept my first baby, I would have a 6m old by now and maybe even been PG again. That should have been me...

I hate feeling this way...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Cook Outs & Waiting

KJ and I hosted our annual summer cook out this Saturday. It went really well. The food was good. I made fruit kabobs that went over well. We bought a new, bigger grill for this year and it worked out a lot better for KJ to get all the meat cooked up quickly. The food I had other people bring was delish, also. We had a good turn out. Both of our families came and a few neighbors. There were lots of new people this year who hadn't come in previous years. A few of KJ's college buddies made it out and it was really nice to see everyone.

There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!

Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.

But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.

I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!

Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!

"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."

We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!

"God, I loved you so..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe