2 DPO

Ah the 2 ww... So full of hope and promise! Happy thoughts run around in my head, "maybe I'll find out I'm PG in a week or so!", "maybe my little eggie is making it's way down to implant!", "maybe this will be an awesome winter!". I'm trying to not let myself get hyped up... It's so hard!

Let it be.

I decided today that whether I get a BFP or AF at the end of the month, I'm going to call that new doctor and get the ball rolling. I'm just going to plan on getting AF... I'm going to ask about my short LP and possibly cd3 and 7dpo testing. From the looks of it, my LP has gone from 10 days down to 8ish. My last four have been 10, 9, 7, and 10 or 8 (I had conflicting O days last month. I'd like to think 10, but I know it's probably 8). I'm still taking the Vitex, and I know it can take three months to work, but I'm a month and a half in and am not seeing any difference at all yet. I'll stick it out, and continue to take it, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to take up the fight again. It's time to be proactive again and make my concerns heard. I hope with this new doctor that won't be an issue like it was with my old OB. I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it yet, though. I'm just going to ride out this cycle, hope for a BFP, and if not, we'll go from there.

Let it be, let it be...

In other news, KJ and I have been adopting a new active lifestyle, which I'm loving. He's not naturally motivated to exercise like I can be, so I've been trying to get him moving more. We started doing the C25K program together and it's been a lot of fun. We did w2d3 tonight. I've continued to run on my own, too. I signed up to run a 5K on Labor day. This will be my first race since HS (9 years ago, whole crap!) and I'm nervous! It's been my summer goal to get back into 5k's and I feel ready, just nervous.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Love Keeps Us Kind

So, I'm not a huge Linkin Park fan, but KJ likes them and he got their newest CD the other day. I was listening to it with him and I really, really liked the last song on the CD called "The Messenger". It's the perfect song for the moment I'm in right now. It reminded me of the lovely TTCAL ladies, and so, I wanted to share it with you.  Remember to always love...
 
The Messenger
Linkin Park 

When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run

Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!


Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

As Usual, God Knows Best

KJ's Grandpa died this morning. He had been in hospice care for a little over a month now. He had been sick for a while even before that, so it was expected, but it's still hard. At least he isn't in pain anymore. He was a kind man who loved to dance and take care of his cats. He asked to be buried in the suit he bought for mine and KJ's wedding. He saved his boutonniere and everything.

My MIL is a retired nurse and she was the one taking care of him. I think it's been a physical relief to her that he's passed, but now she has to deal with all of the after math. Grandpa was KJ's step dad's (MIL's husband) step dad. Step dad is pretty worthless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve mowing grass, so the burnt of all this is falling on her. His whole family is a little screwy, so I'm sure there will be drama over who gets what and how things are to be divided up. But I digress...

Just like last month when my Grandpa died, God really does know best. As disappointed as I was not to get PG this past month, I'm glad I didn't now. I know the stress of being newly PG would have been too much for KJ to deal with right now. I'm glad that we've only had to deal with one loss at a time, rather than being hit with them all at once. Boy, God might have a plan after all!

"If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry. And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye. Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me. Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

I Saw Her Today

I saw my friend today who I have been successfully avoiding since Christmas. We were due the same day, but as I'm sure you can guess, unlike mine, her pregnancy ended in a beautiful baby girl. KJ and I were out yard saleing, a weekend hobby of ours, and there was a sale at the house across from hers. She was there, of course, and immediately started gushing about how wonderful the end of her pregnancy was, her labor, and having a new born was. Well, just in case you were wondering, it was amazing, apparently. She also couldn't help but tell me, in full detail, what a beautiful moment it was when she held her daughter for the first time. Oh wait, you really didn't want to know that? Funny, neither did I!

AaaaaHhhhh!!!!!!!

I had been doing so well! Why the eff did this day have to happen??

Then, this evening, KJ and I went to a cook out at his cousin's house. We had gone to their Christmas party this past December, also, and at the time I was blissfully 9w PG. There was another couple at that party with a 6m old. All I could think the whole time was that at Christmas time the next year, that would be us with a 6m old baby. Well, the same couple was at the cookout tonight and she is now 3m PG. She wasn't flaunting it or anything, thank god, but she did mention that she couldn't have any of the alcoholic Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I made. I felt overwhelming jealous of her situation, 2u2 on the way. If I could have kept my first baby, I would have a 6m old by now and maybe even been PG again. That should have been me...

I hate feeling this way...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Cook Outs & Waiting

KJ and I hosted our annual summer cook out this Saturday. It went really well. The food was good. I made fruit kabobs that went over well. We bought a new, bigger grill for this year and it worked out a lot better for KJ to get all the meat cooked up quickly. The food I had other people bring was delish, also. We had a good turn out. Both of our families came and a few neighbors. There were lots of new people this year who hadn't come in previous years. A few of KJ's college buddies made it out and it was really nice to see everyone.

There was one couple we both knew in school who brought their 10 month old little girl. She was the cutest! And the best thing about having her there, was I enjoyed having her there. I didn't look at her, feel my heart break, and think, "I should have one of those, too". When I looked at her I thought, "She's so cute, I want one!" They seemed like such a happy little family. I can genuinely say without any reservations, I'm happy for them. That's something I haven't been able to say in over a year. It feels good to feel good!

Another nice thing about having the LO there was the boys could get used to being around a baby. Tucker and Colby are good with kids, but they haven't really been around babies/toddlers. Tucker was curious, but was real gentle sniffing her. She pulled his hair a few times and he was perfectly fine. Colby was a little unsure of her, so he didn't get too close. I think he's at that puppy stage of being scared of a lot of things.

But, yes, the cook out went well. Now it's time rest! We've been so busy, it'll be nice to do nothing for a while.

I'm 10 dpo today. I tested Saturday and this morning, both were stark white BFN's. I'm a little bummed, but it's not over till AF comes. My temp was still high this morning, so I don't think she'll show today. Maybe the Vitex I've been taking this month is working! It still could be potentially early, though. The other times I didn't get a BFP until 12 and 14 dpo. Of coarse, those months I didn't test early, so who knows if it would have shown up early or not!

Even if this wasn't our month, as long as AF doesn't come for another day or two, I'll be happy. Last year before my second BFP my LP was 9-10 days. After the D&C now I've had 10, 9, and 7. If I get an 11 or 12 day LP, I'll consider the Vitex very successful. I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. Nothing else to do!

"I will keep waiting, I'll be waiting for you..."

We had such good timing this month, I still have hope!

"God, I loved you so..."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Sunny days ahead...

I went to a picnic this weekend. There were two PG ladies, three guy bragging about their PG wives, and at least five toddlers running around. And you know what? I was ok. In fact I was really fine. I even congratulated one of the guys when he told me they were going to find out the sex of their baby next week. It's like I've healed or something! When on Earth did that happen??

"Maybe it's just about time you turn it around tonight. You got to pack your bags and drive to a sunny day..."

It's nice to feel fine. I've gotten so used to being not ok, that it's a little weird feeling good. I've stared to feel this way more and more since my EDD passed. There are no more dates to dread, no more unbearable situations, no more "that should be me" thoughts running through my head. I no longer feel this unquenchable desire to get PG *now*. Oddly enough, I feel like I have all the time in the world. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. May of '10 right before our first loss, to be exact, was the last time I felt at peace with time.

"You got time, baby take it!"

I'm ok with taking time to get PG again. I mean, if I'm not PG I can't loose another LO. I'm enjoying this healed feeling and I don't want to mess it up with another loss! Is that so wrong? Maybe in another couple cycles I'll be ready to hurt again, but for now, I'm taking my time.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry

A lot has been going on lately. AF came early last Saturday (7/9), so it's on to cycle #3. Honestly, though, with everything that's happened between now and then, I'm glad it wasn't our cycle. The stress of getting PG again would have been too much with everything else. God really does know best.

"If I'm gone when you wake up it's not goodbye."

That same day, Saturday (7/9), KJ's Grandpa (his step dad's step dad) went home from the hospital for hospice care. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the beginning of the year and was given six months to a year. My MIL, who is a retired nurse, is caring for him and it's been extremely hard on her. Everyday she calls or texts KJ with an update and basically says, "I think it's going to be today". She is such a strong lady. I don't think I could watch some one die like that, especially a loved one.

"Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress. Remember me."

Sunday (7/10) started out like any other day. KJ and I went to Olive Garden for dinner that night. We had been sitting on a gift card since Christmas, so it was really nice to have a good meal for free. On our way home, though, my Dad called me and told me my Grandpa (my Mom's father) had died a half hour earlier. He was 90 years old and his health had been declining for quite a while now. I knew he didn't have a lot of time left, but I just didn't expect it to be then. You never do, I guess. He and my Grandma were married for 66 years last Thanksgiving. I hope KJ and I are blessed to be married for that long.

"Remember me, cause I'll be with you in your dreams."

I spent pretty much all of last week getting the house ready for company. Since we really don't know how much time KJ's Grandpa has, KJ's brother and family decided to come out to see him. They drove out from Philly Thursday night and stayed with us for the weekend since we had the room.

"I don't want you to cry and weep."

Friday (7/15) was my Grandpa's funeral. As sad as I was, my heart broke even more for my Grandma. She held it together, but you could tell she missed him terribly. The man she had spent her life with, had children with, who had taken care of her, who she did everything for... her best friend was gone. The service was nice and quite a few nieces, nephews, and cosines came into town for it, many more than we were expecting. One of my Grandpa's sisters died back in March and we were surprised how many people were willing to make the trip twice in just a couple months.

"I want you to go on living your life."

My Mom and my two uncles gave a really beautiful eulogy. I had managed to keep it together until my Mom started talking about how my Grandpa held my sister and me when we were born. We were his only grandkids and for some reason, he always told everyone I was his favorite. He was of the old school mentality where it was ok to have favorites, before everything had to be so PC. It was an open casket service, and honestly, while he looked peaceful, it didn't look like him. When I think of him in my mind he always had real thick wrinkles on his face. It looked like the funeral home had smoothed him out and it just wasn't the way I have always thought of him. I guess that's normal though. He was buried in a peaceful spot beneath a shade tree over looking a small stream. All in all, it was a hard day, but we got through it. I will miss my Grandpa.

"I'm not sleeping an endless sleep."

Like I said, my BIL and family stayed the weekend with us. It was pretty uneventful except for the typical family fight between him and his father (KJ's step dad). The thing is, my FIL isn't well. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. When he's on his medication he's ok, but when he starts to self medicate or stops all together (which is pretty often), he says and does some really hurtful things. But I digress...

"In your heart you'll have all of our good times."

The really only good part of the past few weeks was seeing Harry Potter. We saw it on Saturday (7/16) and it was amazing! I won't put any details out there because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but let me just say... Wow! An epic end to an amazing story. I've been waiting to see the movie before I read the last book because saw all the other movies before reading the books. I ordered it and I'm hoping it will be here by the end of the week. I felt like the movie wrapped everything up nicely, but I still have some questions I'm hoping the book will be able to answer. Cannot wait!

"I'll be with you in your dreams."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe