Deep Breaths

Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.

"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."

I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.

I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.

Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.

"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

Good Weather, Good Mood

For the first time in literally months I feel like I'm in a good mood. The weather is beautiful out, it's Friday, we're going to Ikea tomorrow, we got our tax refund, we got the beetle back, we have money for home repairs, my temps have been low for 4 days in a row... Things are going ok. I hope I get a good number today from my blood work I had on Monday. FX

It's the weather that's really made the difference. It got up to 60 yesterday! Heaven! I know it won't last, it's supposed to be back in the 20's next week, but the brake is just what I needed. It was nice to go out side and not cringe from the coldness. Even though I consider spring to be by far the ugliest season, nothing beats a breath full of fresh, warm spring air.

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

A Little Discouraged

I'm starting to get discouraged. My temps are high and all over the place, which means my levels are still not 0, which means my period is still no where in sight, which means still no TTC for me. I'm getting really pissed. This should not be taking this long. I feel like it's never going to end! The snow will be gone before I get my period again! Ugh!

Standing still....

"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."

I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.

Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.

"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."

"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.

I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.

"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...

Lots of Love,
KJsbabe

To my Baby

My Dearest Baby,

Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.

You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.

I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.

Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.

You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,

Mommy

Good Days and Bad Days

I have good days and bad days. Some days it's all I can think about. Other days it's easier not to think about so much.

Friday was a bad day. (Refer to post #2 "Awful Day") I took a half day of work and cried all afternoon. Awful, awful day...

Saturday was a good day. DH took me out for some retail therapy. I had a bunch of gift cards, so I got to spend money without really spending a lot. We had a nice day together and it kept my mind off of things. At night I had a bottle of wine and put on a movie, which turned out to be amazing and sad all at the same time ("Same Time Next Year"). Such a good movie.

Sunday was a bad day. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was so sad and so tired and literally didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I had to force myself to do anything. I had to give myself a pep talk, "Holly, you can do this. You just have to do two things. You have to wash the dishes in the sink and vacuum. That's all you have to do, everything else can wait until tomorrow. It wont take you that long, so just do it and you can go back to the couch." I started crying while I was vacuuming.

For Christmas my MIL gave me a charm bracelet. I'm usually not a real big jewelry wearing kinda girl, but I actually really like it. Its simple, so I don't feel too fancy wearing it everyday and every charm has a special meaning. With the MC happening right over the holidays, it's kind of become my security blanket. I bought some charms on line this week. I got a kitty for Heath and Casper, a dog bone for Tucker, and a K for DH. The last one I got is called "eternal hearts" and it's for my babies who will be eternally in my heart. I believe life begins at conception and that my babies are in heaven now. I wanted to do something for myself to remember them by, and the charm seemed to fit well.

I don't know why, but I feel like my May baby would have been a boy and my December baby would have been a girl. Is that weird? I just had this feeling at the beginning of both pregnancies of what it would turn out to be. Maybe I would have been wrong, but that's how I'll always think of them.

Lots of Love,

KJsbabe

Miscarage #2

So, on Thursday my doctor told me I have a blighted ovem.

My heart is broken. I feel as if my world has ripped in two... again.

I found out I was pregnant on Nov 3. I wasn't expecting to get a positive. The month before I had stressed myself out so badly about not getting pregnant again that I made my period a week and a half late. I thought I was pregnant because I had never been late before, but I kept getting negative tests. Doctor said stress was the culprit, so I vowed to be stress free the next moth. I was late again and I thought it was stress again... and there is was, a faint pink line! I thought I was seeing things (it was after all 6 in the morning), but a line's a line, right? I took a digital test the next morning, just to make sure. "Pregnant" I couldn't believe it. It felt like it had been so long since I had got my first positive 5 months earlier.

I scheduled my appointment right away for Nov 29, I would be 8 1/2 weeks. Every new week felt like a major achievement. When I made it to my appointment and hadn't MCed, I was ecstatic. The doctor did an ultrasound, and was able to find the embryo, but it only measured 6 weeks. I was disappointed, but still relieved it was there. We saw what the doctor said was the heart beat, another good sign, but he told us to come back in two weeks when I would be 8 weeks again to make sure everything was on track.
I was really disappointed to have to repeat two whole weeks. It felt like forever waiting for the next appointment. I tried to stay positive, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Trying to stay positive.

Thursday was my new 8 week appointment. The doctor did the ultrasound right away and my worst fears were confirmed. We saw a sac, but the baby was gone.
 Heartbroken, I just couldn't think of anything else. The doctor kept talking, but I couldn't really hear anything he was saying. Blighted ovem, what does that even mean? He said at least this was better than seeing the baby still in there without a heartbeat. Yeah, better...

And you know what the worst part of all this is? I haven't even actually MCed yet. It's still in there. At least with my first one it was over with in two days. This one, I read, can take anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks for it to even start. Torture. I feel like this is a cruel joke.

Why is this even happening to me?? I'm 25! I'm young and healthy. I'm a good person. I've never broken the law. I have a nice house, a great husband, and I would be a wonderful mom. But God doesn't want to give me a baby. He gives babies to crack whores, and drug addicts, and stupid teenagers, and other people who don't even want them. But not me.

After the first MC I felt sad and jaded, like something was taken from me. This one, right now, all I feel is anger. I'm so incredibly mad.

"Always look at what you have left, never what you have lost"

I'm really trying to keep this in mind. I have a wonderful husband, a nice house, a great dog, and two cuddly cats. That's what I have left.

Lots of Love,

KJsbabe