Preface: I have written a lot about my second loss and It's been very helpful to me to get all of my thoughts out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to wright a bit about my first loss in May, also.
DH and I started TTC in February of 2010. I was so excited. Everything felt so fresh and new. It felt like we were on this wonderful adventure. I started charting, I bought a bunch of OPK's and HPT's, I read everything there was to read about TTC. I wasn't expecting to get PG right away. I knew that it could take some time and I was ok with that. I knew that I would get PG at some point.
On our third cycle of trying we got PG, May 20, 2010. I was so excited! Everything was going like we had planned. My EDD was January 27, 2011. We went to a wedding of one of our good friends from college that weekend. We decide to keep the good news to ourselves since it was still so early. With everything I had read about TTC I knew that MC's happened a lot more often than people think. It was so hard not to tell people.
The following week was the week before marmoreal day. We decided that it was too hard to keep the news to ourselves, so we planned a picnic for that Sunday to tell our families at.
May 28, 2010 was a Friday. I was 5w4d and had felt fine all week, just a bit of cramping here and there. I woke up that morning, took a shower, got dressed, and then it started. Things didn't feel right, so I went to the bathroom and there it was, bright red blood. I knew exactly what was happening and I started crying. I feel like I've been crying ever since.
I called my doctor and they sent me in for blood work. I still went to work, but then the cramps started, and I couldn't stay there any longer. They were the worst cramps I had ever had. So, DH took me to get the blood work done. On the way back home we stopped to drop off one of my papers at the doctor office. What a bad idea that was. As soon as I walked in my mind and heart started racing. There I was surrounded by obviously PG women all carrying healthy babies and I was just standing there in the middle of loosing mine. We left and as soon as a walked out side I started having a panic attack. I got light headed and dizzy, my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like I was going to through up. DH rushed me home and half way there I did through up. The rest of the day was spent in bed.
I bled heavily all day Friday and passed the sac. It continued on Saturday, a day that was spent yard saleing to keep myself busy. Sunday we put on a happy face and still had the picnic, but didn't tell anyone what had happened. At that point the only other person who knew about it was my SIL. We told her during the week because she wasn't going to be able to be at the picnic.
I felt so sad and so jaded. We had been so excited to start TTC. Everything had been joyous. I felt like something that was supposed to be such a wonderful experience turned into the complete opposite. I felt like something had been ripped from me, stolen. Utterly and completely jaded.
"Just don't tell them I've gone crazy. That I'm still strung out over you. Tell them anything you want, but just don't tell thank all the truth... I still love you"
I will always love and remember my first baby, no matter how short of time we had together. I still miss him every day.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Rattleing Ice and Blood Work
Sometimes I feel like I'm moving backwards. I feel like I'm rattling ice in the wind. My brain feels scattered. I can't seem to organized my thoughts lately.
"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."
"I go back to December all the time."
I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.
I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.
"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"
"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"
Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.
"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"
"And she says, please watch over me"
So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.
I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"It been a long long long time. How could I have ever lost you when I love you."
"I go back to December all the time."
I talked about the MC's to someone other then KJ or the online ladies the other night. I haven't been able to do that at all the last year. I talked to Monica, KJ's cousin. She and her husband have been facing some fertility issues, so we invited them over for dinner Saturday night. It was still kind of hard to talk about it. I'm not a very open person.
I have blood work again today. I wish I knew what my number was from last week. I feel lost, I don't know what I'm hopping for. I took a HPT on Friday and Sunday, faint + each time. I took the one on Friday at night and my pee was a bit diluted, so I thought I might be faint because of that. I took the one on Sunday with FMU and it was still faint, so hopefully that means something. Also, my temps have been below 97.5 for two whole weeks now. I'm hoping that's another good sign. I could really use some good news. Going by my temps, I'm hoping I'll ovulate at the end of the week.
"I'm still strung out over you...I still love you"
"There will be an answer. Let it be, let it be"
Let's get back to being an optimism. "I believe that the future is going to be better then the past" I really hope I get AF in the next couple weeks. I really want to try again. I want that excited anticipation back. I want to look forward to things. I want to have hope.
"Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end"
"And she says, please watch over me"
So, sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy. I totally just thought I got AF there for a minute. I have back cramps this afternoon which are usually a sure sign that AF is coming within the hour. I even convinced myself that I "felt" like it came, even though I know it's most likely weeks away. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed, that yes, I am going crazy, and that no, AF did not come.
I think I'm just emotional. It was a bad day getting blood work today. First they couldn't find my paper work. Then I got a lady that I never had before, I don't know if she was new or what. First she congratulated me on being PG. Talk about a kick to the gut. So, I had to correct her. Then she had me sign a bunch of paperwork, because she had never seen me before. Then she asked for my ID, "you know, to cut down on fraud" (because I would totally want to get stabbed in the arm once a week if I didn't have to!). Then she couldn't find my doctor in the system, even though he's a well known doctor and his office is literally right across the street. Then we started playing 20 questions: Are you off work today? Where do you work? What do you do? Are those pearl earrings your wearing? Random! And then to top it all off I'm 99% sure I left my nice, fuzzy, blue gloves there. I hope they have a lost and found box next week! Ugh!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March Already
I can't believe it's march already. I also can't believe I still do not have my cycle back yet. When this all first started I thought for sure we would be able to try again by now. Things really do not go the way you plan them.
This past weekend I learned that DH's cousin is facing some fertility issues. My heart just breaks for her. Having trouble having a baby has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone. I've been thinking about writing her a little note to let her know we're here for them. We have told exactly four people about the MC's, so they are among the many people who don't know anything about it. Even though we're not in the same exact situation, maybe my sharing will help her. I hope so.
I think I need to stop drinking coffee. I think it magnifies my anxiety. I feel like I need to keep taking deep breaths, like I've forgotten to breath, all morning until it wears off. Sometimes I just feel nervous for no reason. My heart starts to pound and I can feel the panic building up. It goes up my arms and into my chest. Sometime I just want to scratch my hand off!
Que music from Snow White and the 7 dwarfs "Some Day My Prince Will Come"
Some day AF will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to the bathroom we'll go
I'll be cramping forever I know!
Some day when spring is here (march 21)
My cycle will start anew
And DH will sing
For we'll resume TTCing
Some day when my dreams come true!
Haha! Sorry, it was a pretty boring day at work!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
This past weekend I learned that DH's cousin is facing some fertility issues. My heart just breaks for her. Having trouble having a baby has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone. I've been thinking about writing her a little note to let her know we're here for them. We have told exactly four people about the MC's, so they are among the many people who don't know anything about it. Even though we're not in the same exact situation, maybe my sharing will help her. I hope so.
I think I need to stop drinking coffee. I think it magnifies my anxiety. I feel like I need to keep taking deep breaths, like I've forgotten to breath, all morning until it wears off. Sometimes I just feel nervous for no reason. My heart starts to pound and I can feel the panic building up. It goes up my arms and into my chest. Sometime I just want to scratch my hand off!
Que music from Snow White and the 7 dwarfs "Some Day My Prince Will Come"
Some day AF will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to the bathroom we'll go
I'll be cramping forever I know!
Some day when spring is here (march 21)
My cycle will start anew
And DH will sing
For we'll resume TTCing
Some day when my dreams come true!
Haha! Sorry, it was a pretty boring day at work!
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Deep Breaths
Sometimes I feel like I can't breath. I take a deep breath and it's so hard I want to cry. I just want to cry.
"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."
I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.
I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.
Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.
"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
"Can't you see that I'm stuck in underneath. You make it hard to breath. Take a look around and tell me what you see, you'll find me underneath. If only you could feel what I dream maybe you could hear what I mean. There is nothing wrong but there's something missing. Can't you see I'm stuck in underneath."
I do my best to distract myself and not think about all of this. All thinking about it dose is make me cry. I've made a list of things I'd like to do inside the house, organization and decorating. I made a list of spring cleaning things and stuff to do in the yard when the snow melts. I've started my flower and tomato seeds inside. They have even sprouted already. It makes me feel like I'm not a total failure at creating life. I'm making a picture frame collage for over the archway. I listen to music all day at work to keep my mind busy. I run on the treadmill and immerse myself in TV shows, movies and books. I drink too much wine on the weekends. I focus on my diet. I spoil Tucker, Heath, and Casper. I pour all of my unrequited baby love on them. I look for new recipes to make for dinner. It makes me feel creative.
I try to keep myself distracted, but my thoughts always come back to this. I try to stay positive and optimistic, but most days it seems impossible. How can I stay positive when things just keep getting worse? It might be months before I get my period. I'm not exaggerating, that's a real possibility.
Last February I was so excited to start trying. I knew that it might take a while to get PG and I was ok with that. I was patient because in my mind I would defiantly be PG by the end of the year. Now it's a year later and I've had two MC's and no period in sight, which mean no TTC in sight. I feel jaded. The excitement and calm anticipation I felt last year has been replaced with anxiety and pessimism. I feel like all of the joy that I was supposed have on this journey has been ripped from me.
"Tomorrow we'll be free, my love, we'll never be... afraid."
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Good Weather, Good Mood
For the first time in literally months I feel like I'm in a good mood. The weather is beautiful out, it's Friday, we're going to Ikea tomorrow, we got our tax refund, we got the beetle back, we have money for home repairs, my temps have been low for 4 days in a row... Things are going ok. I hope I get a good number today from my blood work I had on Monday. FX
It's the weather that's really made the difference. It got up to 60 yesterday! Heaven! I know it won't last, it's supposed to be back in the 20's next week, but the brake is just what I needed. It was nice to go out side and not cringe from the coldness. Even though I consider spring to be by far the ugliest season, nothing beats a breath full of fresh, warm spring air.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
It's the weather that's really made the difference. It got up to 60 yesterday! Heaven! I know it won't last, it's supposed to be back in the 20's next week, but the brake is just what I needed. It was nice to go out side and not cringe from the coldness. Even though I consider spring to be by far the ugliest season, nothing beats a breath full of fresh, warm spring air.
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Little Discouraged
I'm starting to get discouraged. My temps are high and all over the place, which means my levels are still not 0, which means my period is still no where in sight, which means still no TTC for me. I'm getting really pissed. This should not be taking this long. I feel like it's never going to end! The snow will be gone before I get my period again! Ugh!
Standing still....
"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."
"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."
I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.
Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.
"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.
I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.
"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Standing still....
"I can't stop my brain, you know for three weeks, I'm going in sane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."
"Please don't spoil my day, I'm miles away, and after all I'm only sleeping."
I am an optimist. I can change. I can do better.
Thinking about it optimistically, though, my levels have been going down very quickly the past few weeks. Even if they are not at 0 yet, I hope they are under 100. My body obviously needs more time to heal and recover, and the more time it has, the better. The healthier I am, the better chance I have of having a successful pregnancy. I've been praying on and off ever since this last MC. The other day I prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant again until I would be able to take my baby home at the end of it. After the first MC in May all I wanted was to get pregnant again. That's all I cared about. I was so sure that if it happened again it wouldn't end the same way... Well, it still didn't end the same way, but it's not what I meant.
"It's been a long, long, long time. How could I ever have lost you, when I loved you? So many tears I was searching, so many tears I was wasting. Now I can see you. How can I ever misplace you? How I want you..."
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Well, I just got an update on my levels... 400. Again, disappointing. At least they are still going down. I didn't spot a ton last week like I had before, just a couple days, so maybe that's why. I've spotted more this week, Monday and yesterday (Tuesday), so far. It always seems to happen at night after I run. I'll have nothing all day, then I'll get off the treadmill and have to change my panties (sorry TMI). I feel like this is never going to end.
I had a dream the other night that I was going to jail and the thing I was most worried about was that I forgot my iPod cable, so I wouldn't be able to charge it to record my temps! Apparently this was a pretty nice jail I was going to. They were going to let me keep my thermometer and iPod with me once I explained to them I was charting. *rolls eyes at self* I mean I was only going to be there for three weeks, so by the time I got out I'd be ready to TTC again... How ridiculous.
"To dream that you are in jail suggests that you feel restrained, confined, or suffocated. It represents self punishment or guilt." I don't feel guilty, I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a body that cant seem to move forward. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. Every time it seems like things are starting to work out, it falls apart again. Somebody wake me up when the snow melts and this is all over...
Lots of Love,
KJsbabe
Thursday, January 27, 2011
To my Baby
My Dearest Baby,
Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.
You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.
I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.
Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.
You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,
Mommy
Today is our due date. I miss you as much now as I did when you left. Theses past eight months I don't think a day has gone by with out a thought of you. Have you met your sister yet? The only consolation I have is that your not in Heaven alone anymore. At least you two will have each other now.
You were my first baby. Today I should be meeting you for the first time. I should be looking down at you and thinking how beautiful and perfect you are. I should be holding you in my arms and falling more and more in love with you with every second. But I'm not and it still breaks my heart.
I still wonder what kind of life you would have had, all the things you would have done, the person you would have become. I know you would have been a wonderful little boy and a complete joy in my life. Sometimes I think that God must have made you too perfect to live on Earth, so he kept you in Heaven with him. I hope so. I miss you.
Your grandma gave me a charm bracelet for Christmas. I found a charm for you and your sister called "eternal hearts". Whenever I look at it, I think of you. You will be eternally in my heart. I want you to know that your Daddy and I have loved you with all of our hearts from the moment we found out about you. We will never stop loving you and you will forever be missed.
You are forever in my heart,
With all my love,
Mommy
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